Reconnecting with aliveness
I have been a regular reader of the Cary Tennis advice columns on Salon.com and have always enjoyed his wise and witty columns. He is currently on leave while he recovers from cancer surgery, but has been documenting his experience on his Open Salon blog. Reading his latest post, I was struck once more by the highs and lows, the rollercoaster journey we make with cancer.
Yesterday for the first time in a while I felt the mad rush of physical being. I felt the exhilaration of strength returning. I felt the sheer wonder of taking a breath.
I love this description of his sense of aliveness – that feeling I remember of being totally awake to the moment, that heightened sense of being and clarity, which coming face to face with your mortality gives you.
Cary goes on to write that he has come to a realisation of
how much fear had dominated so many aspects of my life. It wasn’t big enormous fear. It was little fears. Like little fears of being uncomfortable about stuff. And now, after all I’ve been through, after what I’ve faced, I just kind of don’t have that
I remember thinking just the very same thing and thinking how I had wasted so much of my precious time in the past sweating the small stuff and worrying about every little thing. And so I changed and I became less fearful and more grateful and in the moment and it was wonderful while it lasted…right up until the first week I returned to work after cancer treatment had ended. As I sat in traffic watching the rain team down and fought for a parking space and faced a mountain of work in an unheated cramped office, and…well you know the rest…normal life resumed.
What was so good about reading Cary’s piece for me was remembering that the feeling of aliveness is still there, waiting for us in this very moment, if we just become aware. We are imperfect human beings struggling with the human condition, so sometimes we slip back into our old habits. Yes, we know that life is too precious to allow the small stuff to overwhelm us, but we are only human after all, and sometimes it does. The thing we need to remember is we always have that chance to become aware and then start again. Life is precious and we have been given this second chance – let’s seize it today.
Great post and the sad thing is how easily we can loose this connection to aliveness…
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I am a big fan of Cary too and I had missed him from Salon..hadn’t realized he had cancer..wishing him all the best in his recovery.
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Marie, thank you for another wonderful encouraging story about Cary. Fear robs us of living, of being alive! I needed this reminder today as I am going to see about the next leg of my journey-radiation and am once again fearful of this. The last time I looked I am alive. Thank God I am alive! And as my mom use to say, this too shall pass.
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Luann, I am thinking of you! Take your courage in your hands and sally forth xxx
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Thanks for sharing Cary’s story, Marie! I think fear can also be a positive part of being alive – the thing that jolts us back into awareness and reminds us to be grateful. When I read about Cary it brought to mind a quote I wrote down recently (I keep a box of inspiration beside me when I work):
‘The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.’
M. Scott Peck
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Am a big fan of Cary Tennis – have always enjoyed his posts on Salon – wish him all the best in the future.
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I love Angela’s idea of keeping a box of inspiration beside her as she writes 🙂 and thanks Angela for the M. Scott Peck quote.
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This is a great post. My father is currently in between treatments, he begins chemotherapy again next week. While I was there last week he said to me almost the same exact thing, “Today was the first day I have felt like myself, like I have my stamina back.” I have been by my father’s side since he was diagnosed, I have seen first hand his transformation, good days and bad, it is truly a roller coaster, and believe me to hear him utter those words was like music to my ears.
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Rollercoaster is an apt description. Reading these words of Cary, I cannot help but be struck by the thought..enjoy it while you can, because the down days aren’t over. Not to be pessimistic or rain on his parade here, it’s just as topsurf so perfectly put it, there are down days and up days – know that in the down, the ups will come again. Good luck Cary on the ride
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Angela, thank you so much for sharing the M.Scott Peck quote with us and I do love your idea of a box of inspiration by your side as you write 🙂
Topsurf, thank you for sharing news with us of your Dad. It truly is a rollercoaster ride!
Thanks to you all for your comments – you know how much I love to read them!
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I love when he writes I felt the exhilaration of strength returning. I felt the sheer wonder of taking a breath – that really hit home for me. We should all feel this wonder every day – even taking a breath is a miracle we take for granted.
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Thanks for sharing this Marie. I have recently been thinking alot about the roller-coaster ride of cancer, I have been riding it for 3 years now. And I had reached the highest point of clarity a few months ago and now have reached my lowest point of fear, depression and anxiety. I realize that it will always be up and down, that is the way life goes. Everyday I struggle to let go of the fear and pain and focus on all the wonderful little moments in my life. Everyday, every moment, is a new opportunity to try my best to make the choices that will heal me. The trick for me is to let go every day and every moment. Much love to you, Deb
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Great post and Debbie I have to say your comment has also really helped me enormously today.
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Thanks everyone once more for your comments and a special thanks to you Debbie for your honesty.
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This has been so great – reading about others experience of the rollercoaster has really helped me not feel as if I am going mad!
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Helena, of course you aren’t mad! it’s very normal to experience these highs and lows during cancer treatment and indeed as Debbie points out, beyond it too.
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I have never heard of this writer before, but I am looking forward to reading more on his insights into cancer.
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love it! hey have you ever read Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years? Sounds like something you might like. it’s religious, but laid back if that makes sense. but it’s all about writing a great story for our lives. this post made me think about it.
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Thanks for the recomendation Katy 🙂
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