Err On The Side Of Kindness

Dr David Lewis 1963-2013 (Image courtesy of Dr Karen Price)
I have just finished reading the text of the American writer, George Saunders’ convocation speech at Syracuse University for the class of 2013. It touches on the real need for kindness in our lives and it feels apt today as on and offline friends mourn the loss of David Lewis (@DrPlumEu) whose death from cancer occurred a few days ago. His friend and colleague, Karen Price has written a beautiful tribute to David which reflects on his abiding legacy of great kindness. A legacy we would all do well to emulate in our lifetimes – the theme indeed of Saunders’s speech.
So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it:
What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.
Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.
Or, to look at it from the other end of the telescope: Who, in your life, do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth?
Those who were kindest to you, I bet.
It’s a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but I’d say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than:
Try to be kinder.
Now, the million-dollar question: What’s our problem? Why aren’t we kinder?
Here’s what I think:
Each of us is born with a series of built-in confusions that are probably somehow Darwinian. These are: (1) we’re central to the universe (that is, our personal story is the main and most interesting story, the only story, really); (2) we’re separate from the universe (there’s US and then, out there, all that other junk – dogs and swing-sets, and the State of Nebraska and low-hanging clouds and, you know, other people), and (3) we’re permanent (death is real, o.k., sure – for you, but not for me).
Now, we don’t really believe these things – intellectually we know better – but we believe them viscerally, and live by them, and they cause us to prioritize our own needs over the needs of others, even though what we really want, in our hearts, is to be less selfish, more aware of what’s actually happening in the present moment, more open, and more loving.
So, the second million-dollar question: How might we DO this? How might we become more loving, more open, less selfish, more present, less delusional, etc., etc?
Well, yes, good question.
Unfortunately, I only have three minutes left.
So let me just say this. There are ways. You already know that because, in your life, there have been High Kindness periods and Low Kindness periods, and you know what inclined you toward the former and away from the latter. Education is good; immersing ourselves in a work of art: good; prayer is good; meditation’s good; a frank talk with a dear friend; establishing ourselves in some kind of spiritual tradition – recognizing that there have been countless really smart people before us who have asked these same questions and left behind answers for us.
Because kindness, it turns out, is hard – it starts out all rainbows and puppy dogs, and expands to include…well,everything.
One thing in our favor: some of this “becoming kinder” happens naturally, with age. It might be a simple matter of attrition: as we get older, we come to see how useless it is to be selfish – how illogical, really. We come to love other people and are thereby counter-instructed in our own centrality. We get our butts kicked by real life, and people come to our defense, and help us, and we learn that we’re not separate, and don’t want to be. We see people near and dear to us dropping away, and are gradually convinced that maybe we too will drop away (someday, a long time from now). Most people, as they age, become less selfish and more loving. I think this is true. The great Syracuse poet, Hayden Carruth, said, in a poem written near the end of his life, that he was “mostly Love, now.”
So, quick, end-of-speech advice: Since, according to me, your life is going to be a gradual process of becoming kinder and more loving: Hurry up. Speed it along. Start right now. There’s a confusion in each of us, a sickness, really: selfishness. But there’s also a cure. So be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf – seek out the most efficacious anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life.
Do all the other things, the ambitious things – travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers (after first having it tested for monkey poop) – but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness.
Extract from New York Times. You can read the speech in full here.
This is really lovely – so heartfelt, if only more people would practise kindness in this world
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Kindness is so important. Healthy conversation with differing opinions are fine, but when people are mean spirited (like Twitter) through social media it’s just cruel. Also kindness is so important in our daily lives.
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I think it’s wonderful. What a smart man.
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Beautiful, thanks for sharing
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for those a little more jaded – kindness is mostly a win/win situation. a great example is a smile; you make eye contact with someone who looks a little lost or blue and you smile at them. immediately, if the object of your smile responds with a smile of their own, it becomes transformative – mind (wow! he/she looks like a different person!), body (endorphins and other pleasure chemicals begin to circulate for both smiler and smile) and heart ( the heart remembers every smile, even if we don’t) – and that’s why every smile counts, just as every act of kindness counts. I wonder what out society would look like if every act of kindness could appear on the Wall Street board every day – people who “traded”, “invested” and counted in “futures” of something as simple as a smile, and more valuable than gold..
love, XOXO
Karen, TC
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Kindness really does make a difference in the lives of everyone it touches. I have to disagree with him, however, on his statement that most people become kinder as they age. I haven’t found that to be true in my own life, and read some articles confirming my own observation. Mellowness unfortunately doesn’t necessarily accompany aging. Most people with difficult personalities remain difficult, or become even more so, as they grow old. I wish it were otherwise, and what Mr. Saunders advocates is certainly a goal we should all strive to achieve. The world would be such a better habitat for humanity. Thanks for sharing this inspiring speech. xo
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Kindness is one of the most beautiful legacies to leave behind in this world.
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Thanks for sharing this wonderful reflection on kindness
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