Birthday Blues
I’ve got the birthday blues today.
There, I’ve said it.
I looked back on last year’s birthday entry here and the celebratory mood I was in to try to recapture some of that feeling, but it didn’t work. I debated whether I want to write such a down-beat post today, but since I stopped keeping a diary when I started blogging, I still want to keep a record of my thoughts and feelings for myself and I always feel better once I’ve written things down here.
I’ve never had the birthday blues before; but this year, I feel so much sadness that my mother, who always made a lovely fuss over all her kids’ birthdays, isn’t even aware of the day. I know I am lucky that she is still here, although I can’t communicate with her in the same way, and I am lucky that I have my health, and so many other blessings in my life, but still..I’ve got the birthday blues.
I am really conscious of the passing of time this year- partly it’s watching my parents ageing and becoming frail and vulnerable and partly it’s that another year has passed by with failed fertility attempts. You know how when you are small and blowing out the candles on your birthday cake, you make a wish for your heart’s desire to come true…well for the past few years, I’ve blown out those metaphorical candles and made the same wish and hoped next year on my birthday, it will have come true. I’ve come close for the past three years, but it wasn’t to be.
Reading back on this post, I am afraid I come across as a spoilt, petulant child who hasn’t got the birthday presents she expected to get. But, I ask you, am I the only one who gets the birthday blues from time to time?
My own mother hated her birthday and never wanted us to acknowledge it. This would stress me out each year, as I wanted to make a fuss and spoil her on her birthday, but was aware from a young age, how down she got on the day. This year, I decided I would respect her wishes and I wouldn’t make a big deal out of the day and then the very next day after her birthday, was the day she fell ill. I now feel really guilty that I didn’t do more for her on that day after all.
I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didn’t get my usual birthday card and present from my Mum this year, that I hadn’t even opened the present that my husband gave me. I was hoping to shake off some of these birthday blues before opening his gift. We had long ago in our relationship wisely come to the agreement that he would give me a gift card to choose my own present, but for some reason, he wanted to buy me something this year, and I’ve just opened it now. It’s a purple woolly hat and scarf! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The first thing that springs to mind is Jenny Joseph’s poem about purple-wearing old women:
When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me
You know, I think I feel better already…..
So, I shall put on my purple woolly hat and scarf and take myself off for a walk through the autumn leaves, and then I will treat myself to a cappuccino and a slice of something very chocolaty and fattening for my birthday, and by the time I come home, I am sure I will have shaken off these birthday blues.
How about you? Do you ever get the birthday blues? How do you shake them off if you?
Happy Birthday to Me!
Aw don’t be so hard on yourself Marie – you’ve been through a lot over this past year and it’s only natural that at a time when you are “supposed” to be having a great day, you feel pressurised when you don’t feel like celebrating – hence the birthday blues…
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Men! They just don’t get it do they – my husband is hopeless too when it comes to gift buying.
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At least you still got your sense of humor 😉
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Happy Birthday xoxoxoxoxox
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Oh, Marie! I’m so sorry you feel so blue. You have every right to feel sad, and you do not come off as petulent! If we didn’t live an ocean apart, I would be thrilled to walk in the leaves with you and share a cappuccino & cake. Although we’ve never met, I feel I know you, and I respect and care about you!
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Oh Nancy, just thinking about going for a walk with you and getting to know you better has cheered me up 🙂 Thank you xxxx
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Aww I’m sorry Marie. I’m sure the walk and the coffee will do you the world of good. You’ve had a lot to deal with, much more then some people have in a lifetime so it’s OK to feel down x
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Val, thank you so much for caring x
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Happy birthday, Marie! Feeling sorry for oneself is not unusual, especially on those days when we should be in a celebratory mood. Your purple scarf and hat remind me of our Red Hat Society in the U.S. I don’t know if you have that in Ireland, but it was formed from that very poem you included in your post. A color symbolizing royalty, purple is my favorite, so when I get a gift bearing that hue, I rejoice. And am thankful it is not pink!!
I’ve gotten blue especially on Christmas. We stopped giving gifts to our children and each other several years ago, and I mourned the loss of that tradition. I felt that my childhood was no longer valid. On Christmas mornings I would look forward only to opening gifts from my loyal secret sister and some lovely friends who would slip a bag to me in church or in the grocery store. I treasured what was inside those bags and what was written on the cards. And my birthdays were never the same once my Mom died, and then my Dad. No more cards from them. No more calls to say how much they loved me. No more opportunities for me to say how much I loved them.
But I digress.
This is your day. Go out and enjoy that cappuccino and the goodies to go with it. But don’t feel guilty that you are feeling blue. It’s a natural reaction to the sadness in our lives, and the annual milestones emphasize the empty feeling of dashed hopes.
Take heart, and take good care, good friend.
Jan
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Dearest Jan, you always manage to shift my perspective so beautifully. I shall wear my wooly purple hat and scarf with even greater pride now – thank you xxxx
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Oh Marie, I started the post feeling sad right along with you, but by the end, I was smiling. Not to be a downer (but I often can’t help it), my mom died a few months before my birthday and I felt her loss immensely on that day. No one in life makes as big a deal of a birthday as a mother for their child. I missed the happy phone call she always made and the card she never failed to send. Birthdays haven’t been the same since. So, I totally understand what you’re saying.
But, on a cheerier note! Your upbeat attitude at the end of your post reassures me that you’ll be fine and maybe even find something to enjoy about the day. Go get that cake and picture all your blogging friends from across the sea helping you eat it. Happy birthday and love to you.
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Thanks for understanding, for reaching out, and for your kindness. Feeling blessed right now by your words xxxx
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Oh, how I wish I was there to go for a walk with you and share a cappuccino & cake…plus, I am sure we would be sharing a few giggles to celebrate your day!
I personally think by being “true” to your feelings…calling ’em for what they are…and making a plan is a wonderful birthday gift to your self!
What a great day to say thanks for blessing of you!!
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You wise, wonderful woman you! Thank YOU so much xxxxxxxx
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Marie, you don’t come off like a spoiled child at all. I don’t know many daughters who wouldn’t feel like you if their mother were here but not in the way she used to be because she’s sick. And BELIEVE ME, I know how painful the fertility roller coaster can be and don’t know how I’d handle it if I didn’t get my one child. And I think and worry about time flying by too. Sometimes birthdays make us do that more, especially if we’ve faced our mortality the way we all have who come to this blog. B-days … time for reflecting, Sometimes happy, sometimes not. Happy birthday anyway, Sweet Marie.
Rachel
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Rachel…thank you so much for your support xxxxxx
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but you know, you did give her what she wanted for her birthday marie. that was likely the bestest birthday she ever had…and the only one that she ever got what she wanted.
there are no rule about when we experience joy and why we do, and I am glad you gave yourself permission today.
joy, of the kind you wish for, will find you…maybe not like you thought it would or how it would arrive or in the color you thought you wanted, but it will come, and wrap itself just as softly and unexpectedly around you as a purple scarf, if you let it.
hugs
lauren
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Oh Lauren, you always make me cry with the beauty of your words and wisdom xxxx
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As I’ve gotten older and gone through many of the same challenges you’ve gone through (cancer, infertility), I’ve definitely experienced the birthday blues. You know what makes it better for me? Waking up the day after my birthday and feeling a true sense of relief that the pressure is off! I hope tomorrow is a great day for you, Marie. Hang in there and many hugs to you.
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Have woken up the next day Debbie with exactly the feeling you described 🙂 thank you xxx
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Marie, your honesty in this post has really moved me. Sometimes the pressure to be grateful, to be content with our lot, can be overwhelming. How dare we want more? Well, why not? And why not be disappointed if it doesn’t work out? When did being human become all about positivity, acceptance, gratitude, happiness? When did we start putting ourselves under pressure not to feel bad – for any reason? Being human is so much more complex, and we should embrace it all: without the dark, there could never be any light. I remember once reading a book called ‘Learning to Dance with your Shadow’. I can’t remember much of the content, but the title says it all, and I’ve held on to it through the years: don’t just embrace our dark side, but dance with it. Never fails to de-stress me and cheer me up!
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Maire, I am so grateful for you comment – I feel empowered by your words! And, I am headed straight to amazon to find that book !
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Marie,
You’ve got me wondering if saying Happy Birthday makes someone feel like they have to be happy… Maybe we should start a new trend where we just say “Birthday!” ??
So Marie, today I wish for you a BIRTHDAY in which you feel any way you like. It’s YOUR day. Only you get to decide how you feel. No guilt or strings attached!
-Renn
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You know I was pondering that very same question! Does that greeting fall into the category of “cheer up” “think positive” etc?? Thanks so much for taking the time to wish me a birthday 😉
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Marie, you are so far from a spoiled and petulant child. It’s perfectly okay to have the birthday (or any other) blues. It’s entirely possible to be grateful and sad at the same time. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that if you try to suppress your feelings they’ll just find a way to bubble up anyway. I’m glad you just rolled with it and I hope writing this post helped you. And I loved how the purple scarf reminded you of the “When I’m an old woman I shall wear purple” story. The picture you found to go with it was great!!!!
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Oh Jackie, thank you so much for the reminder that it’s possible to be grateful and sad at the same time -what a relief that is to read!
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Oh, Marie – thanks so much for the laugh – much needed as my birthday is coming up soon. I can see myself as that woman in the photo – probably sooner rather than later! I too went through a period of birthday blues while trying to regain my health – and then a period of mourning the lost time. However now each day, and each year is a gift, and reminder remain grateful for the time I have, as it can be taken away at a moment’s notice. I wish you many joyous birthdays to come, and lots and lots of cake!
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So grateful for you comment Dr Attai – and the gentle reminder to be grateful for what I have right now…esp my health. Thank you!
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Marie,
I one of the things I appreciate about you is your honesty! A long time ago, I think the music group was The Birds sang about To Every thing there is a time and a purpose under Heaven. A time to be born, a time to die, a time to weep a time to heal…and so it goes. Life is full of seasons, it is a natural process so I am glad you are human. I like to call it reflection of the past. And as Annie sings “The sun will come up tomorrow!” Praying you will see that today.
As always long distant hugs from North Carolina.
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Oh Luann, thank you very much for that reminder..it was just what I needed to hear xxx
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Self compassion, my friend. 🙂 (as our mentor pema chodron would probably advise). you are beautiful, with the blues or without.
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Katy that is so beautiful…and I have her book When Things Fall Apart right beside my bed … need to re-read it again I think!
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Birthdays do that to us, bring all that emotion to the fore. I’m glad you did post, so that we can share but also so that you can process and almost “download” those emotions. Renn’s words reminded me of last year, when I told a friend that it was a year since my surgery and hence a year since Twang Arm came into being. She looked down at Twang Arm and said “Happy BIrthday Twang Arm”, whereupon I retorted. Don’t tell Twang Arm Happy Birthday, I wish it no happiness, I hate and resent it”. She didn’t blink, she looked at Twang Arm again and said with a deadpan expression “Birthday, Twang Arm”! We both roared with laughter!
I just love the picture you chose at the end of your post, your humour comes shining through 🙂
Love and warm wishes
P
xxxx
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What a great comment Philippa! Thank you and yes, I am really glad now that I posted this – it was cathartic to write it and then to read everyone’s comments was incredibly uplifting and enlightening.
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….wrapping you up in a big warm hug where you need only be who you are and how you truly feel today and every day.
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*Sighs* just what I need x
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Marie, How was your walk, your cappuccino and chocolatey birthday dessert? Hope it made your birthday sweet!
Rachel
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Oh my, Marie, yes I have had birthday blues too. My mom used to call me weeks in advance and start planning my birthday “celebration.” Even through my adult years, she had a way of fussing over birthdays. I’m sorry your mom isn’t able to be aware of things, even your birthday. Change is hard isn’t it? I’m glad you put on that hat and scarf and took a walk. You made a consicous effort to do something to make yourself feel better. I hope your birthday turned out to be pleasant after all. And I love the photo of the old lady. It makes me wonder what kind of old ladies we’ll all become!
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Thank you so much Nancy for such a great comment – your support and your compassion means so much to me…always x
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This is my first post to your wonderful blog. But I could so relate to your birthday post.
In 1998, my birthday (October 1) fell exactly two months after my dad died. I was on a trip in Oregon, speaking about breast cancer, and I wrote this poem:
A Birthday :Mourning
A birthday morning–
an ocean shore, far from home
whitecaps blend
into the mist above
driftwood lies gray upon the sand
relics of places distant, days of yore
A birthday morning–
my first as an orphan, the woman who bore
me gone three years and more–
the man who sired me, ashes encrypted
A birthday mourning–
for the two who gave me life
and where am I
under this threatening sky?
Who am I
and when
shall I die?
(excerpted from The Last Violet: Mourning My Mother, copyright 2002 Lois Tschetter Hjelmstad)
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Oh this is so beautiful – thank you so much for sharing it – I am in tears reading it, but I can relate so much to it . Thank you xxxxx
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Sorry to hear the blues grabbed you for your birthday. Birthdays are all about the love, so I can imagine (though won’t pretend to know) how you’re craving your mother at the moment.
But don’t forget, you’re doing incredible things with your life – this blog is such an inspiration. And that, if nothing else, is worth celebrating. Each passing year is a year where Journey Beyond Breast Cancer finds new voices, new depths and reaches out to even more people looking for support. Plus that purple hat sounds like a statement-maker.
Anyhow, I love it when people sing me happy birthday, so will pass on the joy. Please imagine a Celine Dion type voice, pouring from your speakers (better than imagining my actual voice): “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Dear Marie. Happy birthday to you.”
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Oh Catherine you brought the biggest smile to my face today – thank you so much xxxx
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