Life would be easy… if it weren’t for difficult people
This headline was in my inbox today and I clicked eagerly to read it. I am dealing with a very difficult situation right now which is causing me huge stress and quite literally making me ill, so I read this hoping for some tips on how to deal with certain difficult people in my life.
The first thing author, Connie Podesta writes is
We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn’t have to deal with those few (or many) difficult people we just can’t seem to avoid.
Well that’s true!
“What’s not okay” she continues ” is to give up something you need, want or deserve because of their behavior. So if you’re tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You can not change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them – and ultimately how they affect your life.”
If this sounds like a message you need to hear today for the difficult people in your life…then read on:
The Good News… and the Bad News
Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children – and more important, it continues to work for them as adults.
I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.
The game of life is basically about “getting our needs met.” And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.
We have three choices each time we respond to another person
1. Be positive
2. Be negative
3. Avoid or ignore them.
Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.
What do they really want?
Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate – even work extra hard – to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.
What can I do about it?
We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.” We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that “Maybe it’s me.”
Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change our selves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
The good news is that because we are partly responsible there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That’s great news! By focusing on our selves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us.
So over to you now. How do you handle the difficult people in your life? I would love to hear your advice and I am sure many other readers would too.
Connie Podesta is the author of Self-Esteen and the Six Second Secret
UPDATE:
What a great response to this post and it seems that many of you are concerned particularly with the issue of workplace bullying. Catherine Connors has a great post on this subject at Bloggertone. Click here to read.
Sorry to hear you are dealing with this Marie..how could anyone be nasty to you! Seriously, I hope you do get it sorted..knowing what you are going through right now with your Mum and other things, you don’t need this stress in your life!
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The key is always to confront the person – never let it fester. Sometimes bringing it out into the open can help things enormously.
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While i agree with Angeline, I do also see why we can choose not to confront a person or an issue for fear of it getting worse and in the hopes that it might go away if we ignore it.
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It rarely does go away if it is unconfronted Deirdre. Best way is to try to sort it out up front.
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I so needed to read this today..but I am none the wiser on what to do. Hope readers will leave some more comments on how to handle these situations.
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Sadly, difficult people are part of everyone’s life and this is true even if you are dealing with the stress of cancer in your life. I do think that your tolerance for these people goes down hugely when you are dealing with illness such as cancer. What does anyone else think?
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You are right Caroline – it is harder to be tolerant of their crap when you are going through cancer!
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Waiting and worrying is probably the most common response people have, but it is not the right one. You need to face up to the situation and handle it in order to have good self esteem again. I learned that through a situation with a colleague who was subtly bullying me at work. it wasn’t easy because as i said her bullying wasn’t overt so I chose to ignore it and hope it would go away for a long time. It didn’t and I got ill through the stress of it. Eventually I talked to my boss, who surprised me by being more understanding than I would have expected. He said he knew my personality and hers, and he knew who he believed. He was sorry I hadn’t brought this to his attention before. He asked if i would be ok if we all sat around the table and discussed it together. I was nervous, but agreed. Well folks, when confronted by the two of us, she crumbled, she blustered, she cried – tried to make out it was me who was at fault, but I stood firm. Next week she asked for a transfer and I could finally sleep well at night again! So, please, if you are in a similar situation, don’t let it continue, don’t hope it will change – it won’t. DO something proactive and take back control of the situation.
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Shauna, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It has been enormously helpful to me as I am dealing with a similar case of subtle bullying. I have even questioned if it was my fault, but reading this post and your comment has made me see that it is not my fault and given me the courage to go do something about it today! Wish me luck!!
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Shauna you were right to go to your boss and i am so pleased it had a good outcome. You have an understanding boss, but not everyone is so lucky. My advice is as someone else said in their comment, do your preparation first before having a talk with your boss. Take notes and address the issues, not as interpersonal problems, but as issues affecting your productivity, the work and your progress on projects. Tell your boss exactly what the difficult person does but do keep things on a professional footing. You have far more chance of a successful outcome this way and good luck!
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A great point Theresa – it is important to remember to keep it professional and not to let your emotions come into play, however hard that may be.
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I think how Shauna handled the situation was perfectly right. If you confront the person head on, it can seriously back fire. This happened to me. I was being bullied at work by a jealous co worker and when I confronted her she went on the defensive, yes, cried and pulled the victim card. I ended up in the wrong and being hauled up in front o my line manager. I was the one who ended up leaving the job. She won, I lost.
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Fiona, I am sorry to hear what happened to you, but it does illustrate that you need to plan in advance how you will handle the situation. Get written evidence, times of incidences, etc if you can and calmly present them to your manager, or if you can’t face them, your HR person.
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When you face and resolve the problem yourself, you will feel so much better as Shauna has demonstrated.
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It is all about getting back control of the situation. While the other person is in control with their bullying, you are always going to feel bad. Once you get in control your self esteem will soar.
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Taking positive action, despite your fears, is the kind of courage we all need to succeed in life. Don’t let the bullies win.
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My advice for what it’s worth 🙂
Whenever you encounter a difficult person, ask yourself, “Do I own this problem?” If yes, acknowledge it. If not, move on.
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Excellent advice Sophia!
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How difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your courage. Work on building up these resources and you will find that you will be far more in control of your life and able to handle the difficult people you encounter.
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Excellent point Valerie!
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Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person but it is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution. This is a situation i am in right now at work. reading your post and the comments today has been very helpful – thank you!
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I am so glad you found it helpful Nic and i hope you can resolve the situation at work
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You cannot escape dificult people in life – they are everywhere but no matter the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must. Well done to all those who have commented with this advice. It is the key to dealing with the situation.
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Left unaddressed, these situations usually get worse. Deciding to live with the situation long term is not an option. You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
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Try not to assume a victim mentality Don’t blame the difficult person for “making” you feel bad. Do take responsibility for how your feel, and act to get back in control. You will feel better about yourself in the long run – even if they don’t change their behaviour.
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Back to assertiveness and self esteem themes here William and thanks so much for your comment.
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Thank you so much for facilitating another great discussion here Marie. Your readers are always so supportive and full of great advice. What a community!
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They are indeed consistently wondeful Mary!
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Great discussion. My mind is writing a post for my own blog already! One of the most fruitful counselling/coaching questions I know in this situation is “Who does this person remind me of?” Usually people can quite quickly say, “s/he reminds me of Auntie Mary, Granny etc.” If that question doesn’t bring an answer try “When did I feel like this before?” It may seem daft but usually if a client takes this route and speaks out loud or in writing what they would have liked to say to the past person it changes what is going on in the present. New possibilities open up. It is worthwhile making a list of possible options including being rude!
One other thing I must say is that there is a myth that bullies only pick on vulnerable people but my experience is that adult bullies pick on POLITE people, someone who is extremely unlikely to just say F**K off
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Like me! I don’t see myself as vulnerable and interestingly I had a chat with a friend recently who I always think of as very strong and capable and when you admitted the reason she is currently out of work, is because she couldn’t handle a bullying manager at work and had to walk away – well I was shocked. I thought if this could happen to her, it could happen to anyway. Thanks Martine and I do hope you write about…I was going to ask you to guest blog on it for me! Once again..same wavelength 😉
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For the bully, jealousy is often their issue. They want what you have and they think the only way they can have it is to “take you out”
For the person who is being bullied it is worth also considering “Is this God/the Universe banging on your door saying it’s time to move on?????”
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Wow! I just had a BIG AHA moment Martine!!
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SOOOOO GLAD! Let me know via email if it is not too private. x
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Will be in touch later x
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Maria, whatever is going on, and whoever it is whose being difficult, I’m sorry for this tsuris in your life right now. You have enough going on & you don’t need this, too.
I’ve dealt with a lot of difficult people in my life & work. It’s easier in a way to deal with them in my personal life, because I’ve learned not to let most of them in my life in the first place. At work, it’s harder, because sometimes you don’t get the support you need from your workplace. I once had a boss who got increasingly abusive to everyone in our department. His behavior was documented & a number of us brought it up to Human Resources & even the president of the hospital. They did nothing, and tended to back him (& other managers) at our expense. Finally, the HR director retired, and I was part of a committee who helped hire the new one. So, I took the issue to her. She listened & agreed with me that something needed to be done. Nearly all of my colleagues backed me up, spoke candidly with her, and helped keep the ball rolling. It took a while, but eventually he was fired, thank goodness.
You do have to pick your battles though. Sometimes, it’s not worth the effort. But all the professional advice I’ve ever encountered about this recommends at least to state very clearly to the person that their behavior toward you is unacceptable & futile, and that it needs to stop.
A lot of bullies, I have found, are people who, like Marie says, don’t know any better. But some of them do know better. Yet their behavior is so entrenched, and underneath, they feel so ineffectual that they think the only way to get their needs met is to hit everyone on the head with a plank in some fashion. They are never thinking of the other person, only themselves, & are often surprised that anybody feels hurt by them. Some version whacking them back with a plank — with witnesses if possible — can be the only way to get through to them.
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Thank you Kathi for your insight which I value very much.
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Marie, sorry you have had to go through this. Like others, I suspect the only reasons someone would do this to you are jealousy and the bully’s low self-esteem. None of us are immune to it. Paul Sartre the nihilist defined heaven as a place with no people. On some level I can identify with that.
I’ve experienced bullying at work, as have a number of your readers and people I know. I went to HR about my manager, but unbeknownst to me my HR contact had a crush on my boss so she told him what I said. After that, he treated me even worse and finally I had to retire after 20 years with the company. I had worked so hard, and then went down in flames. After two bouts with cancer.
I’ve also had bullies in my personal life, including loved ones. They are harder to deal with than co-workers and managers unless you find estrangement (just like leaving a job) to be an acceptable option. I’ve learned to pick my battles. As you stated, avoidance of the issue doesn’t work. Confronting the person worked for a time, but then the person justified continued unacceptable behavior and didn’t care if I objected or not. That really hurt. So it is good to know I am not alone on this tortuous path of handling life’s bullies.
Thanks for a fabulous, thought-provoking post.
Jan
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Oh Jan, I am so sorry to think of you going through this and it makes me think of what my friend Martine says in her comment about the misconception that only the weak are bullied..not true, as I am learning. Martine also mentions the jealousy factor, which I find very interesting too – that had never occurred to me before. Thank you for sharing your story with us and helping us feel less alone in dealing with our situations. Blessings to you xxx
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A therapist friend gave me one of my favorite bits of advice.
“You can’t teach a pig to sing. It just pisses off the pig and makes you angry.”
It’s taken me years to employ that bit of wisdom when dealing with my mother–mental illness and now dementia make her more difficult–but I finally have it mastered. What a relief!
XOXOXO,
Brenda
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What a great mental image for me to hold next time I encounter this person – as always Brenda..you are a fount of wisdom.
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Jan, that’s awful about what happened to you.
I had one relationship that included emotional/verbal abuse. We did actually go to couples counseling — both of us willingly — and our counselor also required us to see her a few times individually. It was she who actually told me that she felt the behavior was the result of so much childhood damage, it was not going to change, that it was corrosive to me, and that I needed to break up with this person.
Sadder, but wiser, I did.
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same situation i hv,,thnks a lot kathi coz i need to break up with my guy.
He is vry abusive & he luves whn he sees me cry…
thnks once again for ur comment.
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Kathi, I’m glad you both were willing to see the counselor and that the counselor revealed to you that you needed to end the relationship. Sometimes that’s what we have to do, especially when childhood abuse enters the equation, a very difficult background to overcome. Thanks for sharing.
J
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Great post Marie! Difficult people hum… I have a question..do you think most difficult people know they are difficult?
Hugs and love from North Carolina 🙂
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Good question Luann! I would say most would say that the other person is the dificult one which raises a whole other set of questions…
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Thanks Marie, going to post this in some of my Facebook groups. It certainly helps put things in perspective to remind yourself when people are PIA’s it’s usually more about them than the person they aren’t treating right. That’s actually pretty easy for me to see; but the getting control part, so they can’t manipulate you, well, I need more practice at that 🙂
Rachel
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Oh me too Rachel! Thanks for commenting x
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Marie,
Finally catching up with some blog reading. This is an excellant post with much to think on…
Like many of your other readers, I have had much experience dealing with difficult people in my life. Sadly, it took me many years to learn how to effectively relate with them, without hurting myself.
Part of my new motto, “living a life of no regrets,” includes limiting my time with difficult people. If this difficult person is one who has a close relationship with me, I have learned to draw protective boundries around myself.
Praying for you,
k
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As always Kim, I draw huge solace from your words – thank you for commenting x
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Marie, This is a difficult situation isn’t it? It brings to mind a quote of Oprah’s that says something like (I’m paraphrasing here) “Surround yourself only with people that will lift you up.” Of course this isn’t always possible in the work place.
My advice here would be to document any situations where you feel bullied. Documentation will help support your claims if you ever go to your boss. I guess I would suggest speaking with the person face to face in a very calm and professional way too and then go to your boss with documentation. Too often this type of situation still goes unresolved or the boss doesn’t care/believe/listen and then you have to ask yourself if you really want to stay. And that leads right back to the quote.
Like someone else mentioned, I find it hard to believe someone would treat YOU this way. And there are no easy solutions as you know. I’m sorry you have to waste time dealing with this, Marie. Good luck.
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Thank you Nancy for your input. I have taken your advice and the other comments to heart and am working on a strategy this weekend to deal with the situation. I do appreciate everyone’s support and advice hugely – it has given me great strength to tackle things.
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Lots of great comments here but I particularly liked Shauna’s way of dealing with her subtle bully and also Martine’s comment of it being the universe/god/whatever perhaps giving you a message to move on and your response Marie 🙂 Great blog post and comments
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Thanks Lorna for your comment – and for all your support both on and off line x
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