The nesting instinct of cancer
Last month in the New York Times, Dana Jennings, who has been writing a regular column about his experience of dealing with prostate cancer, wrote about his desire to “nest” following treatment:
“More than ever these days, I want to shrink the world to the couple of rooms in my house where I’m most comfortable. I’ve been declining requests for my time, and the social whirl is less compelling than it ever was…this was something I needed to do. It was part of the healing process, of coming to grips with my new vulnerability.”
This nesting instinct is something which will be familiar to many of us both during treatment and in the immediate aftermath. I certainly found it to be an introspective time and I still find myself from time to time, slipping back into that impulse to take time out from the hustle and bustle of life and just “be” quietly with myself and my thoughts. However, Jennings also sees something inherently “dangerous” in this impulse, as he struggles with that other familiar fellow feeling of post-treatment depression. ” It is a thin line between the womb of healing and cutting yourself off from the world.” he cautions.
Even so, that nesting impulse remains strong in us. Jennings has a beautiful phrase for the reason why this is so, because it is not just our bodies that are healing, but our spirits too are “convalescing”. “I’m still reinterpreting myself in the face of cancer, and that takes time and quiet. It can’t be rushed, and I can’t do it successfully if I’m caught up in our huckster culture’s unrelenting ruckus”, he writes.
So today, I am wondering how many of you share that desire to nest following cancer treatment? Or did you feel a desire to get out there and reclaim your life again, throw yourself back into the fray? Did cancer or another illness change how you want to spend your time?
Oh yes, this post really resonated with me – i felt very much like i wanted to stay at home recuperating for the longest time, but Jennings is right – it can become a little too comfortable and there comes a time when you need to push yourself out in the world again.
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i also identify with this nesting instinct and i am glad to see a reference to that post-treatment depression state which i also struggled with.
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The nesting analogy is very appropriate and yes, I find myself wanting to go there…the question for me is how to find the time? With full time work, family, rehab and doctor visits, I find myself in a whirlwind of activity, which is very good, however I am finding myself longing for the quiet in a way that is foreign to me.
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Yes nesting is all I wanted to do for a long time. And I went with it, watched movies and read books and sat by the fire with a cup of tea. I said no thanks to social outings and stayed away from society in general as much as I could. I think it is so necessary to have that time for your body and soul to heal, and really it takes a long time to do that. And now I find myself taking the steps to get back to a life that involves other people, but the kind of people and situations that can continue to nurture my soul. I do find that I have to force myself at times to call a friend and say “Let’s have lunch.” It always turns out to be helpful and fun, but my mind is still resistant. It has a hard time trusting that I can go back to normal and not worry about the rug being pulled out from under me again. Part of the nesting thing for me is control, if I stay in my little cocoon then I’ll be safe and cancer wont come back and I wont have to face all the ways it messed with me and my life. But that’s not a great reason to stay in my cocoon. So I grow in my little cocoon until I am ready to break out, and spread my wings of the new ‘after-cancer’ me.
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I loved this post – it really resonated with me – i also love Debbie’s comment
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Like the author and Debbie too, I just wanted to stay in my little cocoon and lick my cancer wounds
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Dear marie,
Missed a blog I see, will have to read hat one next. The one on nesting is beautiful written, as always and I can see why you would do so. Once again, thank you for this insightful piece. If I will ever be part of your “group” I will be the best informed patiënt ever, thanks to you!
Love, Annemieke
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This was a beautiful piece which really spoke to me. I also got a lot from Debbie’s comments and am off to check out her blog now too.
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I really recognised myself in this post and also in Kim and Debbie’s comments. I am really enjoying reading your blog.
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This was a great piece – I am recovering from prostate cancer and I was surprised by my need to “nest” – it wouldn’t have been what I would normally have wanted to do – being a business man and a go-getter all my life. However, it has been an amazing experience getting in touch with myself at a deeper level than before.
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