Sights, sounds and memories
Back in March, I wrote about my annual check-up and the inevitable fears and worries that day can bring. I wrote also about the power of the sights and smells of the hospital to bring back all those memories of diagnosis, doctors, chemo, blood tests. Re-reading Lance Armstrong’s “Every Second Counts”, I see that this is a common feeling among cancer survivors.
“Each time I visited the hospital” he writes “I had an uneasy reaction. The first thing that struck me is the smell. If I did a smell test, I could find the hospital with my eyes closed: disinfectant, medicine, bad cafeteria food, and recycled air through old vents…the sounds were artificial and grating…these are the odors and sensations and images that all cancer patients carry with them no matter how far removed they are from the disease, and they are so traumatic, so concentrated, that they can bring about reactions years afterward.”
Do you find yourself having a similar reaction when you enter hospitals, or smell a certain smell, hear a certain song? I had a beautiful jar of expensive lavender body lotion with me in hospital, one of my favourite brands, but now when I smell that body lotion I am transported right back to those post surgery days lying in my hospital bed, all hooked up to my drain, and I can never use it again. A certain song, which was popular at the time, played on the radio in the chemo ward, and of course if I hear it now on the radio, I am right back in there, waiting in that chair, the chemo dripping through the IV into my veins. Hats and scarves I wore during chemo, I should really send them to the charity store, for when I come across them in a drawer, I touch my head to make sure I still have hair, that is how visceral the feeling is. What about you? What are your stories?
This post really speaks to me – I feel exactly the same when I return to the hospital and yes, I had a particular perfume which I always wore and was wearing when I got my diagnosis – cannot even bear to look at the bottle anymore 😦
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hey me too on the perfume – smells really nauseated me during chemo so i stopped wearing my favorite scent but yes, come to think of it i was wearing it when i was told i had cancer and i never wore it again
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i had to give away all my funky scarves which i wore through chemo – just looking at them gave me the heebie jeebies
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my chemo hats had to go 😦
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day i had first chemo the lunch trolley came round – i didn’t know enough to know that the soup i chose from the trolley would come up two hours later – but here’s the thing they served it in these aluminium type bowls you see in hospitals and I can never ever take soup out of those bowls when I go to lunch in a restaurant or pub anymore – imagine I have to check what kind of a bowl they serve soup that’s how powerful the memory is!
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this post reminds me of when i was one year post stem-cell transplant and i went visiting friends in the hosptial and i just had to leave the stem cell ward too much . I think it was a panic attack. had to leave and my friend came to the lobby to visit. ( she is a art therapist so she understood).
on a FUNNY note when i was in the hosptial i had to have a hot dog with mustard and wings now these aren’t my favorite foods at all but the cravings were so strong it was odd. Also i hated blue cheese but after chemo i loved it.
As for the stem cell ward what bothered me was the strong smell of metal ( the chemo) werid but true but i will tell ya it’s 13 years this may and the memories fade with time and believe me i never thought i would say that.
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Thanks so much Noreen for sharing your experience with us. It is interesting that you got those cravings at the time, but no surprize to me that you don’t like the hot dogs now. I never heard of the reverse though..with the blue cheese. It made me smile 🙂 Great to hear this all took place 13 years ago and that you are doing so well now. What a great story!
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