Mother’s Day Without My Mother
We are celebrating Mother’s Day today in Ireland, a day I have been dreading all week. And yet, this day is no different from yesterday or the day before, or any day before that – every day is mother’s day without my mother, for every day I miss her.
Maybe I’m just curmudgeonly, but the older I get the more weary I grow of these forced days (Valentine’s Day is another) when we feel obligated to buy over priced flowers and effect some annual display of gratitude to people who deserve our gratitude, love and caring every day.
Or maybe, the real reason behind my cynicism is because for me Mother’s Day is a painful reminder of not being a mother myself. Writer Anne Lamott in a 2010 Salon article Why I Hate Mother’s Day sums up my feelings when she writes:
I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. The non-mothers must sit in their churches, temples, mosques, recovery rooms and pretend to feel good about the day while they are excluded from a holiday that benefits no one but Hallmark.
Mother’s Day is also a painful day for those for whom Alzheimer’s and dementia have changed the mothers they once knew into strangers. I also know that those who have a difficult relationship with their mothers find this is a hard day to cope with too. And what of the mothers themselves? Those mothers who have lost children, those who have difficult relationships with their own children?
So, today I am making an appeal on behalf of all who find this day painful for whatever reason. Please deal compassionately with your family members and friends who are struggling today with feelings of sadness and loss. Hallmark makes money on people feeling guilty about what they “should” be doing on this day. But what if we also thought of this day as a day to send a thoughtful text, email or make a phone call to those for whom this day is difficult; or why not send a little gift or card to those women who have been substitute mothers to us? Could we reclaim this day in some way so that all women feel included?
And just to prove that I am not all bah! humbug! about this day, to those of you for whom this day is a celebration, celebrate it whole-heatedly. Embrace your mother, embrace your children, and to quote Rumi “wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving”.
Just make sure you remember to do the same thing every day!
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I love the way you are always so inclusive, Marie – and I don’t think you’re being bah! humbug! about it at all. We never celebrated Mother’s Day or Father’s Day in our family, because we believed it’s a false celebration that benefits Hallmark, as well as florists and people who make chocolate! I had a difficult relationship with my mother at times, and I felt it would have been inauthentic to “celebrate” her on one day in the year. Better to try and repair the relationship and treat her respectfully every day. I miss her now – but not especially so today.
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Thanks for all your comments and your support everyone – it really means the world to me x
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I’m a member of the motherless daughter’s club too and our Mother’s Day in the U.S. brings out the same feelings. Thinking of you today and appreciate your advice to cherish EVERY day.
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Oh, Marie, as one who understands, hugs to you. Hold tight to all those memory treasures of your heart.
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I find a lot of comfort in knowing that others like you know what I feel when it comes to grieving my mum – thanks Nancy. Marie
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Marie, I’m so sorry you are struggling today. I don’t know what to say, except that I’m so sorry and I hope that you are surrounded by love. Certainly, here online, we’ve got buckets of it for you.
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(((hugs))) and thank you Catherine – so grateful for that x
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nothing that I can write will help take away the pain that you Marie and other ladies may feel today but you have mothered all of us with your lovely written words over the net. It does what a mother does, brings hope, kindness and a bountyfull of so many other things. So maybe we should remember the lovely times and consider a happy friend day because that is what being a woman can be to so many people. yeah i am rambling again!!!
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You can ramble anytime Mona 🙂 Not that I thinki this was rambling – your words really touched me – thank you so very much xxx
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I have friends who’ve recently lost their mothers to cancer. I have friends who long to be mothers but it hasn’t happened. This is a sad day for my friends and I am thinking of them very much today
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I HATE, HATE, HATE Mother’s day!!! I wanted to know if others did too so I did a search and came up with your blog. Thank GOD! I am not alone in finding this day to be specifically made to drive a knife through my heart
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Oh Marie,. I can only project what it is like for you to taste your loss when so many are ignorant about the sorrow the day can hold. Sending you warmth and love…
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Feeling that warmth – thank you Lori x
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Marie, you never come off as a bah-humbug type, even when honestly sharing pain. You have a double whammy on this day, being slapped on the right and the left cheeks. When life is less than a stellar Hallmark card on any holiday, it’s a great day to shrink from society and pretend it’s just another day. Know that you are so appreciated for who you are and all you do. xo
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Eileen, I really appreciate your words and your support – thank you x
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We can definitely reclaim this day as you suggest. Our Mother’s Day is not until May, but I look forward to touching base with my sons on that day. They, plus my brother, are the closest family I have, so precious. I continue to pray for you, Marie, for solace. xox
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oh, marie,
all i can think of to say to you is that your beautiful and loving spirit, your generosity, compassion, and deep desire to give of yourself even in the face of disappointment, pain, and sorrow pays witness to how beloved your mother is. you are her mother’s day card, her bouquet of the most beautiful flowers, her pride, her joy, the true essence of love that never dies – every. single. day. i hope that all the best parts of you that come from being her daughter fills your heart with the warmth of your mother’s love for you and gives you comfort and solace.
thank you for sharing that lovely photo of your mom – i see the exact shade of radiance in her face as i do in yours.
much love, XOXO
karen, TC
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Oh Karen.. what can i say except thank you xxx
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All good points, Marie. And I did think about the fact that Mother’s Day is different for someone who may not be able to have children, or lost their child or children. It’s gotta hurt to be reminded of this on a day that’s as good as in your face – when it feels like almost everyone but you and a few others is celebrating.
I think if the people closest to you can understand where you are, that it might be better for them to say something rather than nothing at all on this day. As long as it’s the right thing that speaks directly to you.
I just posted a Happy Mothers day wish on today’s (May 12) Weekly Roundup. I hadn’t yet seen this post here of yours about Mothers Day. Still, I had thought about how you have had so much pain tied to what you’ve been through trying to have a baby AND BELIEVE ME, I UNDERSTAND, even though I eventually had my daughter.While we were unsuccessfully trying, hearing my friends talk ad nauseum about their parenting and bragging about their fertility hurt. Just one of many experiences: A year after my first miscarriage and I still couldn’t get pregnant, I was walking in the woods with a pregnant “friend” and out of the blue she says, “Well I know I’M FERTILE!!!. Huge emphasis in her tone and loudness on the words! Knowing this woman, you would know it was meant as a jab. So I get it, but still you are one of the most nurturing persons I know – more so than many mothers. So I hope I did not make you feel bad with Mothers Day wishes I made before reading Mothers Day Without Mother. And I hope that on Mothers Day in Ireland, you were able to think of wonderful loving memories of your own mom even though you don’t have her here.
BTW, My Dads b-day is a week from today.
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I am also part of this club, since I was 19 😦 my mother has missed so much and I have missed even more I feel like I have been ripped off at times. She only wanted to be a Grandmother “Granny ” as she would say, and never got to see any of her 10 grandchildren. This year I turned 48 ( that was the ages she died) and I found this birthday a hard one, WHY?? On August 5, 2014 she will be gone 29 years and I can close my eyes and feel like it was yesterday. Thank you for your post I thought that maybe I just did not know how to let go, and really I don’t want to let her go .
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Rhoda, I feel your pain – a wound which never heals completely x
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