An unrequited love
Artist: Jayasiri Semage
It’s been a while, but I still remember those heady first days and weeks of falling in love, when the first thought in the morning, the last thought at night and all during the day, your mind and your heart is full of thoughts of your new love. You want to be with them all the time and can’t bear when the time comes to part.
Now, in a strange way, I feel as if I am going through a parody of those feelings. My mother is on my mind constantly, my lips silently saying her name over and over again, like a prayer of invocation. All I want is to be with her, to hold her hand in mine, to stroke and kiss her face; but it’s an unrequited love, because our mother doesn’t want us there any more.
My mother has only 3 words left in her vocabulary – ” yes”, “no” and “go”. She can’t say our names, she can’t tell us what she is thinking or feeling, but she says the word “go” to us almost as soon as we arrive at her bedside. She makes it clear by turning her head away from us that she wants to be left alone. We want to spend as much time as possible with her, but she has gone to a place where we can’t reach her or comfort or reassure her. So, all we can do, is take it in turns to come in for her meal times, because she can’t feed herself properly with the paralysis on her right side, and honor her wishes to be left alone, even though it breaks our hearts not to be with her all the time.
Cancer is the cruellest of thieves. It steals so much from our lives. This I already know, but I wasn’t prepared for it to rob from us our last chance to comfort and love our mother, to talk to her, to be by her bedside as her loving family together. I am coming to realize that the tender death bed scene I’ve seen in the movies is just another Hollywood moment which cancer wants to stomp its big ugly hob-nailed boots all over.
Thinking of you & your family at this time. With lots of love, Chez. xx
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Thank you Chez xxx
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That tender death scene – strange to think how the movies have encouraged us to think of it isn’t it? I’m guessing your mum just feels too ill and just wants to sleep.
Being there to feed her though will serve a practical purpose as well as giving you all time to be with her.
xx
Thinking of you
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Another myth Lorna we’ve been made to buy into. Death isn’t wrapped up so neatly and sweetly 😦
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Hi, Marie,
Loving somebody as they need to be loved isn’t always easy: we want to be able to love them our way. It’s truly loving – and brave – of you to abide by your mothers wishes. It’s the best gift you can give her right now. And while it might feel unrequited, it’s not – she’s just not able to express her love and appreciation for what you’re giving her right now.
Hang in,
Máire x
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Oh Maire, you are so wise and compassionate x
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Dear Marie,
I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. This is so sad to read and I am so sorry it has come to this…. I wish I had some wise comforting words. None will come. Instead, I will just say I am thinking about you EVERY day. And I send love.
AnneMarie
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AnneMarie sometimes there are no words and let me tell you that your reaching out to me goes beyond words – thank you x
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My Dear Marie,
One of the hardest parts for me when my mom was really failing was stepping back and allowing her to pull away from us.The pulling away is really really hard to accept. We kept trying for the longest time to pull her back in. We tried to “make” her eat. We tried to “make” her talk. We tried and tried to make things better, for ourselves really I suppose, not for her. Finally, I realized I had to let her pull away. It made it easier somehow for her I think.
Ultimately, all you can do is be there and love her, but those two things are what matter most anyway. She will feel them both. No need for more. Hugs.
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Oh Nancy – it means so much to me that you understand. I can’t bear to let her go, but reading your words makes so much sense to me – yes, we are desperately trying to pull us back towards us, and yes, it’s selfish, it is for us – because we want one more chance to talk to her, to have her talk to us, but I can see now, that she is gone from us, so I am going to have to be more courageous and find the strength to let her go. Thanks for your sharing your wisdom, which I know has been hard gained x
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You are giving your mom the greatest gift of all–loving and supporting through the journey–in the way she wants, even though it isn’t necessarily the way you want. My prayers and love to you! PS…I have sat by many patients bed holding their hand on their last journey…and I agree…hollywood has it all wrong.
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It’s been a cruel awakening for me Kim to learn how wrong they have it! Thanks for the prayers my dear – I have great, great faith in your prayers x
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Dear Marie, it is excruciating to witness your mother in this state, literally dying before your eyes, not wanting to be comforted and unable to comfort you. You are right; the tender death scene is indeed the stuff of Hollywood legend.
I didn’t know that there were phases to the death experience, that people aren’t fully awake and aware and communicating one moment, and gone the next. I didn’t know that it doesn’t happen like that. Instead it’s a gradual lessening of the reigns, a gentle release of the ties, a quieting down of the energy that once infused a full and vibrant life.
I remember when my father-in-law was dying; he could no longer see or speak and was in a coma-like state of consciousness. I sat on the bed with him and held his hand and talked to him. I found it very comforting.
The following night, I visited and again, I took his hand in mine. But this time, he moved his arm away from me. Even though he was semi-conscious, he moved his arm. It was very clear to me that he no longer wanted physical contact. I was so shocked and hurt… but then realized he was letting go. No longer fully in this world, he was lessening his ties, going through his process. He passed the following night.
Continued peace and patience and strength to you and your loved ones as you journey through this most primal of forests.
-Renn
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Oh Renn, although extremely painful to hear this, it helps me to understand what is happening with my mother. I never knew this was part of the process and I obviously fell for the hollywood schmaltz thinking it would be somehow different. It has been a shocking and distressing experience to find things are not as I dreamed they would be at the end. Thank you for sharing your experience and bringing me to a clearer, though painful, understanding xxx
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Oh my dear friend Marie,
I watched my mum as she spent her last days on earth. I am with you sister that the movies have it all wrong. I know there is nothing that I can say to help however I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And Marie she knows and appreciates you being there. I see your mum in you. You are a woman who knows what she wants. So you have learned well 🙂
Long distant hugs my friend. Praying for you!
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Oh Luann, it is so good to hear from you and to know that you are praying for us – this means so very much to me xxxx
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I’m so sorry for all your family, Marie. It could also be that she’s frightened by your presence now because she cannot recognise any of you any more. Patience is almost all there is left for you, but don’t give up Hope. The last few minutes of a human life vary greatly from person to person and some regain a lucid moment just before they pass away. It happened with my Grandfather.
xxx
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Thank you Chari – I do think you are right and I appreciate you sharing your wisdom with me.
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I hurt so much with you, Marie. To witness this in your mum must be one of the cruelest things on earth. Words often fail me in times of grief, but I am listening through cyberspace and all these miles that separate us. My prayers and blessings are still going out to you and yours.
XOXOXO,
Jan
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Jan, I promise you that your prayers and blessing mean so very much to me x
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