Adopting After Cancer: A Love Story
I was first diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer at age 29, way back in 1988. The protocol at that time was to tell women to wait 5 years before getting pregnant or, as my breast surgeon so crudely put it, “Baby might not have a Mama”. Nothing like the subtle approach to shut down any further questions on that subject!
5 years passed, and I went to my “cure” date mammogram confident that all was well. It wasn’t. The cancer had returned to the same breast and as I had radiation the first time, the only option left was a mastectomy and 9 months of chemotherapy.
I again heard the “Baby and Mama” speech. I was told that chemo could possibly put me permanently into early menopause but as I was still only 34, there was a good chance the menopause symptoms would only be temporary. There was no further discussion about the impact
chemotherapy might have on my future fertility. I assumed that if my period returned, it would mean my reproductive system had not been affected. My period did return and I was thrilled.
2 more years passed and the cancer returned to the opposite breast. I had a new breast surgeon who said the 5 year pregnancy rule was no longer being followed and that if I wanted a child, I should start trying immediately as I was already 36, my biological clock was ticking, and I had a history of chemotherapy. She was the first one to let me know that period or no period, my reproductive system may have been adversely affected by chemotherapy, making it more difficult to conceive a child.
Her suspicions were confirmed when blood tests showed my hormone levels seemed to belong to a much older woman. It was as if chemotherapy had accelerated the aging of my reproductive system by 5 – 10 years. I later learned this was the first sign of premature ovarian failure.
My then husband and I were quickly referred to a fertility clinic for pregnancy assistance. There was much confusion about whether to give fertility drugs to a 3 time breast cancer survivor. No one really knew if it was safe or not but finally the Cancer Clinic gave a guarded okay to the procedure as my cancers had all been hormone negative.
We had 2 cycles of IVF treatment that could only be seen as a dismal failure. A woman my age should have produced 12 – 18 eggs each cycle but my body only produced 2 eggs the first time and one egg the second time. Neither cycle produced a pregnancy. The fertility doctors shook their heads and said there was nothing more that they could do as it seemed unlikely I would get pregnant, at least not with my husband. They suggested foregoing further IVF treatments and using the money to pay for adoption.
At that time, I wasn’t willingly to consider adoption as a viable alternative tofamily building. I just wanted to become pregnant and give birth like seemingly every other woman I knew. It all seemed to be so easy for othes to become pregant, even when getting pregnant happened accidentally. I was extremely sad and angry for months afterwards, feeling that cancer had stolen another huge piece of my life.
In retrospect, I am happy that we didn’t jump immediately upon the adotion bandwagon. I needed time to cry and process my feelings of loss of never being able to be pregnant or give birth to a child. Many tears later, I finally had clarity about what I wanted for my life. I wanted children, a family, and whether those children came about through pregnancy or adoption didn’t matter any longer. While pregnancy and childbirth may not be a part of my story, I decided that motherhood could still be a part of my life.
I remember reading a story that was circulating at the time. It talked about adoption being like planning a vacation to Europe where all your friends had gone before but finding out you landed in Australia instead. While at first you are upset that you took an unexpected turn and didn’t get to your destination the way you planned, you fell in love with Australia and felt blessed that you landed there instead. That story resonated deeply within me and I realized that as long as I had my children, it really didn’t matter that I took a different route to get them than the traditional path taken by my friends.
My then husband and I were pretty clueless about what was involved in the adoption process. We chose a local agency and became educated very quickly. We would first have to have a home study completed by one of the agency’s social workers to see if we would be suitable parents. This would involve a series of interviews and investigations into our past and present lifestyles. It would include police checks, social service agency checks, medical checks (gulp), and recommendations from people in the community.
We would also have to attend educational seminars on parenting skills and in particular, in parenting children of other cultures and/or races. Finally we were told that once all those things had been completed, we should look for another adoption agency in another country as Canadian babies available for adoption were very few in number.
We were told there were numerous couples looking to adopt and that the birthmother in Canada would be the one to choose the birth parents. At 38, we were considered too old to be chosen by a local birthmother so we needed to look internationally for a child to adopt. This was much more complicated than getting pregnant and giving birth. We had to prove our worthiness to parent a child.
We managed to jump through all the required hoops with the only sticking point being my 3 cancers. The social worker basically wanted a written guarantee from my doctor stating I wouldn’t get cancer again. No doctor can do that of course but luckily (in this particular instance only) I had recently been tested for BRCA mutations and was (falsely) found to be negative. My doctor wrote that as my cancer wasn’t hereditary, my cancer history could be seen as just extremely bad luck and most probably, it wouldn’t show up again. The agency accepted her statement and we were off to find an international adoption agency.
We were given information about a few US agencies that would work with Canadians adopting mostly black or biracial newborns. We were also given a referral and a video from a California lawyer who specialized in matching white adoptive parents with white babies for 3 times the cost of the other agencies.
The video was my first introduction to the institutionalized racism that exists in the adoption world. The video featured white parents and their adopted white children at a picnic. The parents said things that horrified me such as not wanting to adopt “just any old baby”. They wanted a baby that looked like them (ie. a white baby). I was sickened after the video that people would value a white baby’s life as being worth three times as much as a black baby’s life
The more I looked at various agencies on the internet, the clearer it became that the price of adoption was linked to the color of the baby’s skin. I felt I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again if we chose to spend 3 times the money for a white skinned baby who wouldn’t necessarily be any cuter, smarter, funnier, or have a better personality than a baby with darker skin. We decided to go ahead and become a transracial family.
We signed with an adoption agency in Chicago that specialized in placing black or biracial babies for adoption. The first adoption of my son took exactly 9 months from the time we signed with the Chicago agency. Much like with my cancer journey, the adoption trail was rough and bumpy with opportunities for babies that fell through at the last minute for one reason or another.
There were dark days during the adoption process. Each loss of a potential baby felt like a miscarriage or a stillborn birth. Birth mothers disappeared, social service agencies took custody of another baby as they already had custody of her siblings, other birth mothers changed their minds about adoption once they actually gave birth, and one “birth mother” turned out to not even be pregnant with the twins she claimed to be carrying. At times I despaired that we would ever become parents.
But finally my dreams came true on November 10, 1999 when my then 6 day old son Carter was placed into my arms. For me anyways, it was love at first sight. My love for him has continued to grow each day he has been alive.
Our daughter Kayla came to us at 5 days of age when Carter was 16 months old. Once again, I fell in love with her right away and was as happy and contented as any new mother of 2 beautiful children could be. I can’t imagine loving a birth child any more than I love these 2 precious children who are now young teens. My love for them is fierce and strong. While I wish I could have experienced pregnancy and childbirth, these are the two children I wish had grown in my belly.
As life turned out, my marriage collapsed when the children were very young. I have been raising them alone as a single mother for many years, including an awful year in 2011 when I battled cancer 4. They really are my reason for trying to stay healthy and cancer free so I can watch them grow up and hopefully some day (in the far distant future) have children of their own. For me, adoption was the option that brought me so many blessings and filled my heart with the joy of finally becoming a mother.
Sharon blogs at 4 Times And Counting: Confessions Of A 4 Time Breast Cancer Survivor
Reblogged this on 4 Times and Counting and commented:
I am very excited to be guest blogging at Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer today for their cancer and Infertility week series.
LikeLike
Oh this post fills me with hope and happiness – what a great story. It is wonderful that you’ve made a family.
In the UK I have no idea if we have the same race problems with adoption, but we do have a definite snobbishness towards names. There is a ruling that says you can’t change the adopted child’s name after a certain age, so there are children who aren’t being adopted purely on the basis of their name. There was a heartbreaking article on it a few weeks ago, makes you all the more determined to go forward, I think.
LikeLike
That is terrible for the poor children! I guess the demand for adoption must not be as great in the UK as in North America if people won’t adopt due to a name.
LikeLike
Actually I should have done my homework, it’s not that people can’t change the name, the rulings suggest that they don’t. I agree with that wholeheartedly but the snobbishness still remains.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What an incredible story!!! I am in awe! Thank you for sharing!
LikeLike
Thanks for your comments! Adoption was the best decision I ever made.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Ever Upward™ and commented:
Simply in awe of Sharon’s amazing story!
LikeLike
Blessings . . . for your strength, your attitude, your confidence, your beautiful children . . . and the courage you exhibit and inspire every day.
LikeLike
Thank you Lisa for your very flattering comments! A lot of things went wrong with my life, but the decision to adopt turned out so right.
LikeLike
Sharon, that was a great and heartwarming story, and you are an angel for taking in two black children, there aren’t many white families willing to do that especially in America. But when I was very very young I had a child and he was adopted by a white family, I have contact with him and he has grown into a handsome and well rounded young man, so it doesn’t matter about race, anyone that is willing to look after children should be honored. Well done Sharon I hope your cancer stays away. Love and Respect Veronica..
LikeLike
Thank you Veronica for your comments. I feel strongly that this is the family and these were the children I was meant to have. They are a blessing in every way.
LikeLike
Awesome story and congrats on beating cancer 4x!!! I am a transracial adoptee of adoptive parents who had 5 biological children of their own and still made room and shared all their love with me. Love is ALL it takes for adoption not matter the race. You are an inspiration all the way around!!!
LikeLike
Thanks for your lovely comments! It makes me very happy to hear from a transracial adoptee’s perspective that you can grow up happy in a white family. As far as the cancer goes, I am alive by sheer dumb luck. As long as I can watch my children grow up into adulthood, I will be beyond happy.
LikeLike
A tremendous story Sharon, and a great photo also ~ a beautiful family. My favorite line that warmed my heart was “But finally my dreams came true on November 10, 1999…” that is something special, along with all you’ve done.
LikeLike
Thanks for the wonderful comments! I think my kids are beautiful too but then what mother doesn’t. My dreams really did come true once each child was placed in my arms. I am so grateful I got to experience motherhood through adoption.
LikeLike
Lovely to read all your comments and thanks once again to Sharon for sharing her story with us
LikeLike
Thank you Marie for the opportunity to do a guest post on your blog!
LikeLike
Thank you Marie for the opportunity to do a guest post on your blog!
LikeLike
Thank you Marie for the opportunity to do a guest post on your blog!
LikeLike
Thank you Marie for the opportunity to do a guest post on your blog!
LikeLike
Such a beautiful share and insight in to the world of adoption. Thank you 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks for your comments! Adoption can be a wonderful way to build a family!
LikeLike
Amazing story of love and determination too. Thank you for sharing it with us, Sharon, and thank you, Marie, for sharing your platform this week.
LikeLike
Thanks for the comments Nancy! I very much appreciate Marie and Justine devoting a week to cancer and Infertility. It is such an important topic that was covered in a variety of different angles by the guest posters.
LikeLike
Sharon, I hung on every word. Your children are beautiful! I am so happy you built your family and got the children who were meant for you.
Having gone through the adoption process after cancer, I totally relate to everything you said about adoption. Yes, white babies are more valued in our culture than babies of color, which is a true pity. I originally was in the domestic adoption program in a Chicago-based adoption agency (I wonder if we used the same agency), and wanted to adopt any baby — white or black or biracial. Birth mothers changing their minds was a pitfall to me, especially adopting as a single mother without support to help me weather the instability of the adoption process.
Then my social worker told me that adopting from China would GUARANTEE me a child within a year. At first I was disappointed, as I’m not a great traveler, and this meant I’d have to go to China. But the word “guarantee” seeped into me overnight, and the next morning I knew I was going to China. But the road to adoption was four years long. China started slowing down in allowing its children to be adopted. But I stayed the course, and I love my daughter as fiercely as you love your children.
LikeLike
I read your adoption story yesterday Beth and was incredibly moved. The fall throughs along the way were incredibly painful and there were times I was ready to pull out to save myself from further heartbreak. But I am glad I kept on hanging on until I finally had my babies.
Your daughter is incredibly cute!
LikeLike
What a beautiful story. Everyone facing cancer, and everyone seeking to adopt, should read it. Good for you!
LikeLike
Thanks Molly for your thoughtful comments!
LikeLike
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us today Sharon. I greatly appreciate your perspective of turning to adoption after infertility due to Cancer. And I particularly appreciate the transracial adoption perspective you are sharing.
We are just at the start of our adoption journey after infertility (not due to cancer). The very first adoption agency we spoke with in the USA indicated that their fee structure is based on the race of the child you adopt. We quickly blacklisted that agency and refused to engage in that type of activity. But, we did learn very quickly how important our decision regarding race would be, both in terms of the agency we work with and long term implications for everyone involved in our adoption. As two Caucasians, we simply had never come across this type of real racism before so we were both really struck by it. It was really a great life lesson for us to see how institutionalized racism still is.
Thank you again.
LikeLike
I am following your journey on your blog and am hoping you will be as happy with adoption as I am. The institutionalized racism is shocking and exists in many areas of life. Becoming a transracial family is a real eye opener and sometimes heartbreaker this way. For me, the upsides of transracial adoption still far outweigh the downsides. I am very happy with my decision.
LikeLiked by 1 person
One love
LikeLike
Thanks!
LikeLike
Sharon.
God’s blessings on you and your wonderful children. Your courage is inspiring and commendable. Love knows no color, ethnic origin, nor social privilege. When we show charity that must first confrom to our personal comforts, love suffers. And the fruit of that charity often sours.
You have provided unconditional love and a stable family unit for two most fortunate children; sadly all to lacking in our modern confused society.
The picture you provided shows a strong, stable, content and trial tested family, with a confident eye on a future of great possibilities; where the glue that binds you will hold fast, no matter what may be the challenges ahead.
-Alan.
LikeLike
Thank you so much Alan! Your comments are eloquent and beautiful. I have been blessed to have these two teens in my life since they were tiny babies. It has been wonderful to watch them grow and develop. I am very proud to be their mother.
LikeLike
And I am sure they are a reflection of the love you have given them and proud to be your children.
-Alan
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lovely to read your story and it resonated with me. I have adopted two children – half siblings, mixed race. My boy I adopted 4 years ago and his little sister came along 18months later. She arrived and that very same day I found a lump in breast. I was diagnosed with a rare subtype of TNBC and BRCA1. But several mastectomies later, 18 weeks of chemo and bunch of rads, here I am with my lovely little family. They are a joy and I wouldn’t wish my family to be any different – could have done without the cancer though! I’m in the UK and we can adopt transracially, we can change children’s names but are encouraged not to because the children are usually adopted when a bit older than in the US and so have started to identify with their names. And we don’t have to pay anything – in fact we get some small level of financial support for each child placed with adopters though this usually stops when the courts have finalised the adoption order. A friend of mine has just been approved last week to adopt only to find out that for the first time ever there is actually a shortage of children to adopt. A very good thing! Though less good for my friend who is waiting to create her adopted family.
LikeLike
I’m always happy to meet another adoptive parent. I’m sorry your breast cancer came along during the adoption process. Yes, it is good for the children that they are probably waiting shorter periods of time to find their forever families. I do however have sympathy for the prospective adoptive parents when there are a shortage of children to adopt as so many want to open their hearts to these children. Hoping the cancer stuff is better and you are able to enjoy your children.
LikeLike
what a pulsating journey to a real love story, forever ❤
LikeLike
It has been an incredible journey, one I’d highly recommend others take! (the adoption, not the multiple cancers).
LikeLiked by 1 person
feel so happy for you, that you were blessed with “the road to happiness”, to take these children to your heart and they yours ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gosh, what an incredible story! Your strength is very inspiring. Good luck to you and yours, and to no more cancer!
LikeLike
Thank you for your comments and best wishes to me and my family! Crossing my fingers that cancer will stay away for good.
LikeLike
Sharon
Beautiful story, so glad skin color didn’t deprive you of the love of your children.
M
LikeLike
Thank you for your kind comments. I don’t know how to reblog once something has been reblogged once. Could anyone help me to reblog this onto Survivors?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sharon
Once you reblog it won’t allow you to for some reason. One of us can reblog to the Survivors site. Of all the great tools WP has you would think this was a o brainer. 🙂
Let me know or ask anyone in the group to reblog. I like your ability to tell the facts, fears, struggle without a total downer way. No matter how sick we need a bit of hope. So glad you’re sharing the struggle and the inner strength it takes to listen to you own voice. Your children are very blessed.
🙂
M
LikeLiked by 1 person
Could you reblog it on Survivors for me? I’d greatly appreciate it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll do it now, if have trouble I’ll let you know.
M
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Done
LikeLike
Thanks for reblogging it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am German living in Germany – however, I have read the same story about travelling to Europe and ending up in Australia. I have kept it in my heart and on paper. Kudos to you Sharon and your family and good luck to no more cancer. Ever!
LikeLike
Thank you for your good wishes! I agree – no more cancer. I’ve got kids to raise!
That adoption story sure has traveled the world!
LikeLike
What a heart-warming story and what a beautiful family you are!
LikeLike
Thank you Deborah for your wonderful comments! We are happy as a family together!
LikeLike
Oh Sharon this is really just so heartwarming and real. The sentence that caused my tears to spill? “While I wish I could have experienced pregnancy and childbirth, these are the two children I wish had grown in my belly.” You could not have put it any better.
LikeLike
Thank you Kelly! I can’t imagine having any birth children that I would love more than these two. I just sometimes wish that I had carried each of them in my body for 9 months. It would be a comforting feeling for all of us.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE and commented:
A beautiful story of Sharon’s strength and love in her heart.
LikeLike
Thanks for the sweet opening remarks! They are much appreciated!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was wonderful to read. It sounds hard, but so good. Thank you for sharing and giving me a peek of perspective.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your story. You are a strong woman and an inspiration to others!
LikeLike
I believe that we all end up with the people and surroundings we are meant to be with. Your children, while having not developed in your belly, were brought to this world to be yours and you to be theirs. You are a strong woman, as evident through your story. Thank you for sharing and may God bless you and keep you strong and healthy!
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your story. You have a sweet heart.
I was dx at 32 and have no children. I harvested my eggs prior to chemo. My onco wants me on Tamoxifen for 10 years though. I fear so many things if I have a child now but I don’t want c to control my entire life.
Reading about your story gives me hope.
Rebecca
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your story. I ended up here by luck – my partner and I are 27 and he has gone through testicular cancer twice (and thus infertile) but I’m having a hard time finding IVF vs. adoption stories with the same circumstances so I broadened the search and found yours. It’s encouraging to see the stages you described going through and compare them to where we are currently are even though our situations were different. We froze his sperm before his 2nd occurrence but we are looking into all our options right away (we know that age factors into IVF and assumed the same can be true for some adoption cases). We are still deciding what we want to do but your story helps me consider different angles. All the best to you & your beautiful family.
LikeLike