Thoughts On Grief
In a bid to make a blogger out of Karen, I am sharing another excerpt from our email correspondence (with Karen’s permission). I value her wisdom and compassion so much and really think they deserve a wider audience.
Dear Marie
Thank you for your hello, for thinking of me. and yes, the responses to my story that you were so kind to post are amazing – I still go back and read them every day! and the trip was really lovely; though still a “first”, a lot of emotions from being overjoyed to tremendous longing.
The thing about where i am in my grieving, is that the savoring and delight in the afterglow of happy occasions is always short-lived. I still go back to an empty house, and to the echo of a deafening silence. the only way to re-capture times of being happy is to read about them in the Letters I write to Hugh, or the “Writing for my Life” segments within those Letters. I notice that since the first anniversary of his death, this is more severely pronounced and perhaps it is because the pall of shock has (mostly) lifted.
We who have been in cancerland speak often of scars, both external and internal. it’s occurred to me that widow grief’s purpose in the long intervals of its pain and stultifying loneliness is to make sure each aspect of our loss is thoroughly dealt with through every phase of our awareness as we try to move forward. perhaps the new, more intense pain is a form of scarring us, not as a cruelty (as it is so often perceived) but as a way to help us prepare for the re-birthing of the new “after” life that we need to develop; and when we reach some semblance of a life of meaning and purpose and joy, we will see those scars as symbols that we came through the darkness and survived. nothing worthwhile simply happens or suddenly appears. But dear god, I keep asking, aren’t the happy times and memories of them and gratitude felt just as therapeutic as is surrendering to grief – to shore up feelings of well-being and hope? at this point, the grief is so much more consuming, and i hate that i can’t FEEL all the good things when i am stuck and trying to figure out the trigger that is often so elusive. during those times, my name for it is the “Flat-line Blah”, i have been entertaining the question, is grief trying to fucking KILL me???
But sometimes as I gain some morsel of insight and there is a respite from the Flat-line Blah, I can re-fuel and do something productive. last week I thought a lot about the fact that we had no funeral and no memorial service for Hugh; that was his wish and we honored it as he wanted. I was thinking about what a kind and generous man he was, that he always talked about the importance of paying it forward – even in the darkest times during the years of his illness and suffering he was still grateful for all he had, and thought of others – the forgotten, the disenfranchised, the needy, those who were alone and needed something or someone to notice them. his friends and our family have recounted so many stories of how his love and altruism touched the lives of so many. so i decided that on his birthday this year, September 26th, we will launch the first annual Pay it Forward Tribute to Hugh Sutherland with a letter encouraging family and dear friends to honor his memory with acts of kindness. It feels so good and right and perfect for a way to turn outside of ourselves and follow in the footsteps of the legacy of love Hugh lived and left for us to continue. i composed a letter to send out, and proposed a note be sent back to tell about how people paid it forward; then at some point I will compile stories and send out another letter to let everyone read the results.
Sending you much love and deep gratitude,
Karen XOXOXOXO
This is a beautiful letter. It brought tears to my eyes. What a lovely tribute to Hugh Sutherland to have a pay-it-forward day on September 26th. I, a stranger, will honor that day in some way. I am not sure how right now, but I will honor it for Hugh, for Marie, for Karen, and for all those who grieve. I must go now, and mark my calendar.
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Barbara how lovely of you
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dear Barbara, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful message, and for your participation in the pay-it-forward tribute to Hugh. and now you are not a stranger! I will hold you close to my heart…with love and gratitude, Karen
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Thanks for sharing the profound and wise words from Karen. The quote at the start is so very true. Bless you both. Xx
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dear Audrey, thank you for reading and commenting. I so enjoy and admire both your writing and the contend of your blog posts. much love, Karen xo
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KC (Karen the Commenter), you are amazing!! It seems as though one could melt amongst your words, they flow so fluent as you pull the reader in to feel each emotion in its entirety, as though we too are living it with you. Your words are always so kind and exact, you have been a blessing for many. ~D
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oh Diane, what a lovely comment! I love writing, but I still have SO much to learn; thank you for such high praise and for always being there, encouraging and including me – it means the world to me. warm hugs to you, my Friend! Karen
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Diane, I couldn’t have said it better myself and Audrey, thank you too for your kind words
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Dear Karen – Thanks for such a beautiful expression of how hard grief really is. I am saving it in my grieving file in anticipation of the day.. Love you much.
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my dear Lois, I know you know from such anguish how hard grief is. honestly, I sometimes think I have completely lost my mind. having the support you always so generously extend is part of what’s keeping me sane. love you much, too – Karen xox
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Karen is always in my thoughts and I owe her a reply to her last email to me. I love this idea of making Sept 26 Pay it Forward for Hugh Day. I’m making note of it so I can blog about it next month. PS To Karen, please, please consider starting your own blog. You have SO much to say and to share! Thanks for this, Marie!
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dear Renn, no worries about the e-mail! I know you are always there for me, and it comforts me greatly. I am so happy you like the Pay It Forward for Hugh. much love, Karen xox
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Renn, and Barbara, I am with you on this one. Let’s make it official Pay It Forward For Hugh Day. Start thinking about what you want to do to mark the day and I will put something together on the blog to round up the troops. Lois, how are things with your own beloved husband? I know he has been ill lately.
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Les got down to 135 pounds. He is at 140 now. This for a man who was 180 pounds. We had to get new pants, shirts, belt. He can’t do much or walk far and it limits us considerably in getting out. I don’t leave him alone, so I’m housebound, too.
But while he is tenuous, he is stable. And we are so grateful to be together. Our 66th anniversary is on September 12.
Thanks for asking, Marie.
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Lois, you and your dear Les are in my heart.
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Thank you, Marie. Your love means a lot.
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my Dear Lois, I have you and dear Les held close to my heart. EM to follow, but meanwhile,, can you feel the warm hugs I send to you both? love you, Karen
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Karen, you are a powerful writer. Your idea of paying it forward in honour of Hugh is a wonderful one. I am glad to hear from you, even through Marie’s post. Her idea to have you start a blog is one I’d certainly be behind – as you must know 🙂 But to read these notes and exchange emails is also a very special thing. We’re lucky to have you in our lives.
I wish you a very successful and love-filled memorial of Hugh, and hope much of that love gets to ripple into many lives. ~Catherine
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dear Catherine, every time I think of how we met I am so bowled over with amazement and feeling so thankful! and YES! the RIPPLE effect – it’s so powerful, those random acts of kindness! thank you for your kind wishes for me and the tribute we’re launching for Hugh.
much love, Karen xoo
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Karen, I love the Pay It Forward Tribute. What a perfect way to honor Hugh’s memory. I’m in! xoxo
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dear Eileen, thank you for being “IN”! I just love that the tribute to Hugh feels so perfect. thank you for such an enthusiastic and kind response. it really gives me a lift to know that you will be thinking of both Hugh and me. much love to you, my Friend, Karen xoxo
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dear Marie,
once again I am so very overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness and generosity and inclusiveness. it humbles me, the person who stumbled into the BC world and knew so very little about most of it, felt shy, and was completely unnerved by sheer astonishment at the scope of how many others were being reached – by sharing stories, providing education, exerting far-reaching and passionate advocacy, with a dose of delicious rants and other ramblings I found so galvanizing. now, as I struggle with horrendous grief as well as being a two kind of cancer person, I simply cannot imagine my life without this nurturing community that never fails to reach out and hold me in the light of comfort and support and love.
thank you for sharing my thoughts on your site. I am grateful beyond words…for you, and for all who took the time to leave such kind and uplifting messages for me.
with much love and gratitude,
Karen XOXOXO
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Karen, you are a beautiful force of nature! And Diane for a person so modest about your writing skills, you choose wonderful words, time and time again. I am putting pay it forward day on my calendar!
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Thank You Elizabeth certainly is something I have to work real hard on. The garden would say “Harrumph” eh! I learned this expression from my long lost Medical Oncologist. I too, will mark Hugh’s PIF on my calendar. ~D
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oh Elizabeth, thank you for reading and for such a lovely compliment. this “force of nature” just sat on her front porch and observed my whole property going to pot – the weeds, un-pruned trees and shrubs would say “harrumph” if they could read! thanks so much for marking your calendar to PIF – I am so grateful. much love,, Karen xoxo
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oh Diane, you made me giggle, referring to the “harrumph” – and let me tell you giggles are a RARE commodity ’round these parts. thanks tons for marking your calendar – gosh, Hugh would sure be thrilled with it all. much love, Karen xoxo
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It’s good to meet up with you, Karen, in another venue. I
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oh, Yvonne, thank you so much for reading and commenting on this wonderful opportunity to be a guest on Marie’s site. and you know what – Marie, in one of her weekly round-ups gave mention to your blog and that is how I found you! it was meant-to-be – and that feels so lovely. it IS so good to meet up on another venue. I have learned and been inspired by your blog at a time when things have been exceptionally difficult – thank you for those gifts. much love, Karen xoxo
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