The Motherless Daughters’ Club: A Birthday Remembrance
Today is my mother’s birthday. The third I have marked without her since she died. Her birthday was the last day I got to spend with her as my Mum; the next day she fell seriously ill and the brain tumor that unbeknownst to us was growing inside her, changed her forever. She was still my mother of course, but no longer my Mum so changed was she by cancer.
Another motherless daughter writing of her loss recently observed “The saying goes that a woman is born twice; the day she is born and the day her Mother dies. I have never heard more true words. I struggle with my loss. My life literally has become a state of before and after. I have not found the peace that I have been seeking since her death.”
I am not quite sure what that saying means. I certainly don’t feel any sense of rebirth, and the pain was compounded by losing the baby I was carrying at the same time as my mother’s death.
I turn often to the words of the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and bestselling author, Anna Quindlen, when it comes to putting words on my grief. Here is what I read again today.
After my mother died, I had a feeling that was not unlike the homesickness that always filled me for the first few days when I went to stay at my grandparents” house, and even, I was stunned to discover, during the first few months of my freshman year at college. It was not really the home my mother had made that I yearned for. But I was sick in my soul for that greater meaning of home that we understand most purely when we are children, when it is a metaphor for all possible feelings of security, of safety, of what is predictable, gentle, and good in life.
Each day that I miss my mother, and for each day, I mean every day, there is a longing to be back within her gentle, loving presence; to be at home again. People have asked me if I miss home during my stay here in Australia, and I always answer no. What I don’t say is that even when I am back in Ireland, I am homesick all the time without my Mum.
Marie I am sure that each birthday without your beautiful mum must bring so many emotions to you. She had to be so special to have brought you, her amazing daughter, in to this world. You are such a dear person and bring so much joy to so many people. I wish I knew the right words to ease your grief. While I am so sorry your mom is no longer with us I appreciate your thoughts and words. I hope we get to see you this summer once we know our plans. Hugs and xoxo – Susan
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Oh but you do have the right words – at least some to ease the loneliness and pain a little – thank you so much Susan for all your kindness and friendship to me – it really does help x
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Oh, Marie. I feel for you. I know exactly what you are saying. Exactly. It’s so hard every day, but the loss is especially palpable on birthdays and Mother’s Day. Homesick is such an apt description. My heart goes out to you, my friend. xo
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Nancy, you were the one who introduced me to the Motherless Daughters Club and I will forever be grateful for all the support you gave me at the time. I have send your guest post on this to many other grieving daughters since x
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This is a very touching post. Grief never really leaves us but in some way is a sign of how much we loved the person who left us. As Donna Tartt said in her book The Goldfinch: “it is a privilege to love what Death doesn’t touch.” May love and memories of your Mom find a home in your heart.
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Carol thanks so much for sharing that quote from Donna Tartt – I am a big admirer of her writing but hadn’t heard that quote before. I really appreciate that you took the time to share it with me. Many thanks.
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Most welcome.
The Donna Tartt quote is in the last page of The Goldfinch. It’s a pretty long book and although I really liked it, I got bored somewhere around page 600 or so. I lost interest in the story. But the last 6 pages are magnificent and if you read nothing else of that novel those will be enough.
Thank you for following my blog. I hope that you’ll enjoy it. 🙂
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Marie, my heart is with you. I understand how you feel, also being in that club. Home is not necessarily a place; it’s being surrounded by those we love. Sending you lots of hugs.
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Eileen, thank you – as a sister member of this club I know you know how this feels
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Marie, I can’t believe it’s been over two years since you lost your lovely Mum. She was such a beautiful person inside and out – I know how much you miss her every day. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love today and always, G.
PS You may not be missing Ireland..but it’s missing you!!!
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hugs!
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dear Marie, i have tried to write this comment over and over, wishing so much i had some words of comfort to offer you, wishing i could take your pain and bear it for you. but that absence of your precious Mom’s presence – well, sometimes there just are no words. i can only tell you that i am holding you close to my heart, enfolding you in love and empathy for your loss, for the ache of homesickness, for the grief you feel so acutely. XOXO, karen
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Oh Karen, your words are always filled with comfort for me x
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Marie, Thank you for sharing this. I had never heard that saying… a woman is born twice…Such a hauntingly beautiful concept that I’m sure rings so true. Thinking of you during this time and sending you my virtual hug, love and light! Justine
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Justine, I sure do appreciate that – thank you x
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I know that you and your mum must have brought so much joy to one another. What sorrow to lose your mother and your baby, like losing a link to the past and one to the future all at once. And now you are a loving weaver of the stories in the breast cancer community. Your mum would be so moved and proud. Xoxoxo
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Elizabeth, I am still trying to come to terms with losing both my past and my future at the same time. it was the hardest time in my life, much, much harder than anything I experienced with cancer. Life can be very hard sometimes, but the kindness, support and compassion I have found with my friends online has gone a long way towards healing some of the pain.
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What a v touching post. I am so sorry that you miss your mum so much it’s so very, very hard. There really are no words that help I continue to miss my lovely mum each & every day. Just know that you were loved & she continues to be with you especially during the hard times that’s when she never leaves your heart xxxx
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Marie I am so sorry that you are missing your mum so much there are no words to fill that void. Just know that you have bee loved & that your mum is still with you especially during the hard times. A mothers love never dies. Talk to her she is listening. Jxxxxx
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Marie, such a touching post. I still have my mum and dad they will be married 58 years on Monday. I try not to think about life without them. I can imagine that you mother was a special person who bought so much joy to your life. Hugs my friend. Gai Comans
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Marie I really feel for you and can’t imagine what you’ve been through. The beautiful way you composed this and the strength you must have just for going through this with dignity is astounding.
Although I am not a motherless daughter or indeed have not lost any of my parents, I have dealt with death by lots of my friends who have suffered from cancer and undergone treatment with me. I use to even think to myself ‘what gives me the rights to live while they didn’t’ but there memory is exactly the reason why I decided to write my own blog and share my story.
Although I am not female, my understanding of ‘a women is born twice’ is that you have an opportunity to let the death of a loved one eat you up inside or you can choose to let their memories give you strength and say ‘this is what they would of wanted’ everything I do I owe to them and thus it gives all my actions more meaning and a greater purpose. Let them live on through you and all the good you do in the world will add on to their legacy forever.
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story with us and I hope you will be able to take this tragic event and turn it into a positive in your mothers name.
You are so strong and I admire you so much for it
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Gai, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment here. We are never prepared for the death of a parent, no matter how old we are in this life.
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Doron, thank you so much for your heartfelt comment – it really touched me. I have added your blog to my list of blogs to follow and I look forward to your updates there.
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Oh, Marie, what can I say? The love of one’s mother is like that of no other. Of course, you still miss your mom and, of course, you still have those longings. Why wouldn’t you? And then there’s the added pain of your sweet baby… I’m sorry. It’s so important to mark time as you did here in this poignant post. As I think I’ve said before, keep cherishing the memories of your mom, those memories are treasures of your heart. Sending hugs.
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Nancy, thank you for your beautiful comment. It means so much to me especially as I know it is so heartfelt and comes from your own deeply felt experience.
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Dear Marie…I remember well your posts when you lost your Mum and how moving I found them But, of course, I still had my Mom then and one can feel empathy without true knowledge. On April 15 I lost Mom – followed shortly by Mother’s Day here. I spent a lot of time with Mary Oliver – thanks to your introduction. My sisters and daughter were all here with Mom and me in her last days and I will be sharing this blog with them. We are all geographically widely separated, but all grieving greatly. Your expression about being homesick all the time for your Mum speaks so perfectly to our feelings. Learning to embrace Mom’s presence via profound absence in our life has been most difficult. As always, thank you for sharing and caring.
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Marcia I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. It’s so true that no one knows the depth of that loss until it happens to you – and it doesn’t matter what age you are. There’s this expectation that it shouldn’t hurt the older you both are – but it does. I am glad that you found Mary Oliver poetry of some comfort and i am so glad you left this comment. We need so much to be able to reach out to those of us who truly understand this unique loneliness when we loose our mothers. Thinking of you. Marie x
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