What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
We’ve spent the first week of 2014 making resolutions about things we wish to achieve in the coming year. Even if we have framed them less as resolutions, and more as words to guide us, the outcome is still the same. We want to change something in our lives.
What could prevent this happening?
One of the ways in which we sabotage our own growth is through pay-offs – the perceived reward for staying in a certain situation. You know – the job you hate, but which you can’t leave because there’s a recession on, and you won’t get another job; the relationship that isn’t working anymore, but if you break-up, you will be on your own forever – or at least this is what you tell yourself. I have even known of women for whom cancer has carried its own pay-offs. These are often the hidden saboteurs in our lives. It is much easier to blame the economy or our illness than to take personal responsibility for our lives. And let’s face it, pay-offs are comfortable. You know where you are with a pay-off. It keeps you safe from disappointment or failure. I know that I am tempted to settle for less-than in my own life, because I don’t want to fail at something new.
But we, more than most, know that life is too short and too precious to be ruled by payoffs. Playing safe may no longer be enough for us. In order to truly live our lives, not merely exist, we have to dig deeper and be ready to shake off the payoffs.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”, asks Mary Oliver in her poem The Summer Day.
I can never read these words, without thinking of my friend Terri Wingham, who took them to heart. She gave up everything to pursue her dream of A Fresh Chapter – the pay-offs of her job, her apartment, her life were no longer enough for her after cancer.
We may not all have Terri’s courage to make such a radical change in our lives, but we can start somewhere. Is there an area you would like to change in your life? What is the pay-off for staying stuck in this situation? Look at your answer honestly and ask yourself what would you have to give up in order to let go of this situation? Now consider what you would gain if you decide to let go?
Which will you choose? The answer is up to you. Maybe you are content to live with the payoff. At least after this exercise you recognize it for what it is. Or maybe you decide that the pay-off isn’t worth it anymore. You want to change the situation. How do you go about doing this?
If the task seems too overwhelming, start small. On one side of a page, write down all the steps that you will need to take to reach your goal. For example, if you want to change your job, the first step will be to update your resume, followed by creating a professional profile on LinkedIn, researching the job market, up-skilling, and so on. On the other side of the page, list all the pay-offs you get from your current situation that is keeping you from taking that step.
Now is the time to be brave. Take that first step, and as you check it off your list, draw a line through the corresponding payoff. I promise you this exercise will help you feel in more control of the direction you want your life to go this year. Just remember to keep each step small, and attainable, and if you choose to add a time-frame to the goal, make it a realistic one.
Now tell me, what is it YOU plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
Now tell me, what is it YOU plan to do with your one wild and precious life? This is one of my favorite quotes/questions – such a simple yet profound question. Thanks for the great post!
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Great post! The one thing I would do is watch less TV when I am feeling reasonably well and instead play the ukulele or write. I watch TV as a cop-out from the real world, a fantasy entertainment that I excuse because of my illness. I’d rather help others than sit in front of the tube when I have a good day. Thanks for the reminder.
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That is one of my absolute favourite quotes! Thank you so much for including me in this post and for being one of the people in my life who always reminds me how precious life really is. It truly is about the baby steps. It’s not about grandiose plans. It’s about making one choice today to move a little closer to what fils us with joy and purpose. It is not easy, but the closer we get to living the life we imagined, my hope is that the more we are filled with ease:) Sending love and light to you!
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Jan, in your case, I think we can cut you some slack 😉 Terri, as I said in the post I always think of you when I read these lines – one of my most precious quotes from my favorite poet.
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The pay-offs are quite sneaky. I call them “comfortable misery.” I like Terri’s reminder that it’s not the grandiose plans but more about baby steps. Action leads to more action.
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This post came at the perfect time. I’m sinking once again into depression. “Comfortable misery” describes it beautifully. My arthritis is getting worse. The anastrozole is doing exactly what my doctor said it would and aggravating it. I need to walk more or get on the bike at least once a day. I used to do this religously but it’s winter, it’s cold, it’s windy and rainy and I hurt! So instead I make a fire in the woodstove and read on the couch. That’s fine for a day, not so good after 2 weeks. And I realized yesterday after I went to church that I’ve stopped talking to people or going to see them or having people over for lunch or a tour of the garden. Yesterday was the first time I had a real face to face conversation with anyone other than my husband (I volunteer at church and thank goodness for it) in weeks. Without realizing it I’d been isolating myself and slipping into the blues.
So two things to do here (and it all starts with baby steps, not grand resolutions). 1. Walk, garden, or ride the bike once a day. 2. Make contact (and not via email or forums) with at least one person a day. Pick up the phone, head over to church, invite someone to lunch, walk into the center of town to have coffee and so on.
It’s all doable and I think I will feel much better.
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Thanks, Marie. I will send you a mail. “I maintained my online interactions, because they were safely at a distance..” Very astute. Yes, that’s it.
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Oh Victoria, my heart goes out to you reading your words. After my mother died and I took time off work to recover, I did just what you describe. At first it was cocooning, but as the weeks and months passed by, I found less and less reason to go outside the door, to get dressed and even on very bad days to shower. I maintained my online interactions, because they were safely at a distance, but I turned down any offers to meet anyone in real life. This went on for six months and would have gone on longer had I not done something to change the situation. And yes, it starts with baby steps, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It took me a long time to climb back out of that hole and I am still climbing. If there is anyway I can help you out, then please let me know – email me anytime (see Contact Details). Thinking of you x
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Beautiful.
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What holds us back from achieving our goals?–I’ve often thought it’s our fears that are the culprits, but you’re so right that the hidden rewards of staying right where we are can often be the biggest obstacles.
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What a fabulous post, Marie! I’m going to hopefully spend the next year (and hopefully the rest of my life) being able to handle adversity with grace and courage instead of wallowing in self-pity. Finding happiness in spite of life’s challenges is a great alternative to the self-pity payoff.
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That’s well put, Mona. I’m in a similar place. Not sure what to do or what I can do. Some of the things I’ve tried so far didn’t work out. Other things I’m afraid to try because they just don’t seem doable. Nuts!
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I really enjoyed reading your post but it was hard. After the last few years I feel the fear and honestly dont know what it is in life i want. In the begining I kept telling myself with my inner voice that this is a new begining but the new begining hasnt happened! Every corner i turn there seems to be a wall. But maybe this is a pay off and i stay in my comfort zone and boy is ti comfortable. Marie this is one BIG challenge. A really big one. Maybe a good challenge is to not be so hard on ourselves.
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Mona, you surely hit on something here. Yes, we are hardest on ourselves, perhaps as you say the real challenge is to ease up on ourselves a little more and give ourselves credit for who we are – strong, capable, resilient women and not beat ourselves up over what we perceive we don’t have.
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Thinking about this .. I have a big decision this year but need time to look at all angles!!
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Lovely post – and I really like that question from Mary Oliver’s poem! Thanks for this.
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