How Long Does Grief Last?
Two years later and I am still grieving for my mother. I still grieve for the unborn baby I lost the week after her funeral, and for the babies unborn before that. I grieve for the lives that might have been and the lives that are no longer. It seems at times there are so many griefs in this life to bear. How long should we grieve for what we have lost? Should we grieve more over some losses, and less over others?
When I think of Yvonne, Karen and Eileen, all of whom have experienced a significant loss lately, I want to be able to point to a time in the future when they will feel the grief less. I know that time will come for them, but I don’t know when that time will be. I do know that the raw pain of grief will soften to be replaced by a bittersweet feeling as new milestones are faced without our loved ones by our side. The pain will never disappear entirely, but will become like rough textures in the fabric of our lives.
Along the way you will be surprised by what you learn about grief. Grief when it hits us is nothing like we expected it to be. In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis wrote of how no one ever told him that grief felt so like fear. I remember thinking no-one told me how utterly exhausting grief is or how much of a physical pain it feels to live in a world recently emptied of a loved one; of how naked, exposed and vulnerable you feel.
The best description I have read of the reality of grief is in the superb book The Year of Magical Thinking, writer Joan Didion’s record of the year following the death of her husband of four decades she describes how grief is a place none of us know until we reach it.
We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be “healing.” A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to “get through it,” rise to the occasion, exhibit the “strength” that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves the for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.
There will be times we will think we have our grief under control and then we will find ourselves ambushed by hearing snatches of a song, or catching a scent from a passer-by that evokes our loved one. I recently sat beside an older lady on the tram who smelled so much like my mother, it took all my strength not to bury myself in her coat and inhale deeply of that beloved lost scent. The writer Colette captures this so well when she wrote:
It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses.
How long does grief lasts? It lasts longer than you can imagine. It lasts until the day comes when we’ve noticed we’ve gone a whole hour, a whole day without the heavy weight of grief around us; we notice that our lives have moved imperceptibly forward and while this sometimes makes us sad and we still yearn to have our loved ones with us, we learn to carry them with us always in our hearts as treasured memories. Along the way there will be numerous set-backs, but with time these too will diminish. Grief is as individual as the person experiencing it. It is a process which neither you nor any well-meaning friends or family should rush you through; a process that requires compassion for yourself and for the process. Trust that in time you will heal from the pain of grief, but like a broken vase that has been painstakingly mended, if you look closely, you will see a tiny fracture, a thread vein of grief always present.
Thinking of you my dear. Your words on grief are so true. Hope the wonderful surroundings lift your heart a little. Xxxx
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Grief…. So different for everyone and every person you grieve for.. My dad died 27years ago but now and then I will feel such a wave if sadness for what we have missed together… But I know that when my time comes he will be there waiting for me … As his mother waited for him….
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If I’ve learned one thing from grief it’s this: there are no “shoulds” and everyone does it according to their own experience. It’s been 8 years since my mom died and I still miss her and grieve for her, but the pain isn’t as acute. I no longer look for her in crowds, no longer seek out features in other women her age, but I still miss her. Hugs and love coming your way from Houston, my friend. xo
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Oh, Marie… How long does grief last? When we lose loved ones, the intense grief lessens over time. However, the loss is for a lifetime, so the grieving never ends completely. When you think about it, why should it? Sometimes I think people are made to feel ashamed for grieving, especially when it’s been a while. The key, of course, is to carry on and “adapt” to your loss and your case, losses. It’s all very personal and I’m doing a very poor job expressing my thoughts, but I know you understand. I do know that two years is not very long, Marie. So be extra gentle with yourself… and on top of losing your mom, you lost your sweet unborn baby at about the same time. Such deep losses require deep grieving.
And memories are treasures to carry in our hearts forever. Lots of comfort in that. Even with your unborn babies, you can treasure the memories of joy they brought you too. Forgive me for rambling… Thinking of you….
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I have a family member who is dealing with the loss of her first born daughter early this year due to an accidental drug overdose. Some friends and family don’t talk to her anymore because they feel they can’t take it. I see her as being a bit better. But I know it will take a long, long while for her. And I and a couple friends will be there for her as long as she needs.
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Oh Marie grief is with us for a very long time. You expressed it so well. We just have to keep on keeping as Nancy says. There are so many things that remind us of the loved ones that are gone. Hugs and lots of light to you – Susan
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Thank you all so much for your words. I know I got a lot of comfort and strength from them and I hope that whoever reads this post and is suffering right now from the loss of a loved one, gains the same comfort and strength. Nancy you really nailed it when you wrote that the loss is for a lifetime, so the grieving never ends completely. We should never feel we have to justify the length of time we spend grieving.
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Dear one, my heart goes out to you. We do find we must cope with grief for a lifetime, and its nature changes over time. My mother has been gone for nine years, and she still lives within me. I can hear her voice at various times when I need advice or comfort. Prayers and peace to you. xox
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Grief is such an intense experience. It breaks your heart, breaks you wide open, leaving you so raw. At the same time, the grieving experience itself is useful in keeping you close to the person you grieve. I too am amazed at how I think “I’m fine now” when something unexpected, a song, or something that evokes a memory, will send me spinning right down into the grief pit all over again.
Thanks for sharing about your experience, Marie. It helped me at this time after just losing my mother. I’m also so sorry for your losses. xoxo
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Is it forever? and grief can get softer with time and the lovely things about the loved ones flood the mind and we can allow ourselves very soft pleasant memorys of who we have lost sometimes being in a quiet peacefull place or just when we are at our work. Trying to keep the lovely things that have happened in our momory I think helps to make the lose more bearable
peace be with you and yours
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It sounds like grief is a bit like that grey dog you’ve shared, how it follows you and appears without warning. I’m so sorry for all the loss and the heartache. We’re here for you, as I know you know. And I’m sending over some love.
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Maire, what can anyone say that could help you and your family? You have written with such heartful depth that describes exactly how everyone feels no matter howlong . . . Thoughts and prayers being said
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Beautifully written as always Marie. It’s especially difficult to grieve for 2 separate losses when they happen so close together, as yours did. Each grief interrupts the process of the other, so it feels never ending. It will get easier eventually though. Sending love, x
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I think some level of grief is forever, because the person has not come back. The dream has not been fulfilled. Our arms are still empty.
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Marie, I read Yvonne before bed last night and woke up thinking of her, and of grief, and of the loss of my dad at seventeen, and of how, for months after his death we would see his car in the drive and instinctively think, “Dad’s home!”. And now I read your eloquent words about such ebb and flow of grief and I am broken open again, in the way shared truth and experiences break us so that the light can get in. Accepting that grief and loss, and those who feel them most deeply today, are to be on my mind and heart for the moment; perhaps, later in the day, when there is more sunshine on the snow, they will sit side by side with joy and peace. Thank you for your sharing your words.
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Oh Marie, this is such a poignant, heart-breaking post. I ache for you and your losses. When does grief end? I can’t imagine it ever ending, although perhaps it lessens over time. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother and the unborn children. I miscarried when I was married, so I know the pain of that. It’s much more painful than one can ever imagine. Sending hugs across the pond.
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Thank you Marie for such a touching and thought-provoking essay. When my mother died last year, I turned to Rona Maynard’s lovely book “My Mother’s Daughter”, and especially its chapter on what happens when your mother dies. For example:
“Baby showers herald the transition to motherhood. Roses, greeting cards and invitations to lunch celebrate mothers every May. Yet, despite our culture’s motherhood mystique, no rituals mark the psychological journey we daughters begin when our mothers die.” More on this at: http://myheartsisters.org/2012/02/21/when-your-mother-dies/
Especially at this time of year, when we replicate our mother’s recipes or recall holiday memories of her time with us, or plan a family gathering that will have an empty chair at the table, it’s important to “just be” with our grief. It lasts as long as it lasts.
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Your comments have really touched me – thank you for sharing your own experiences with grief. I am really struck by what Carolyn writes about how we have no rituals to mark the journey we daughters begin when our mothers die. And yes, holiday seasons really does bring the loss into poignant focus again. Be compassionate and gentle with yourselves this holiday season. Much love to you all, Marie xxx
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I don’t think you ever ‘get over’ grief. I think you just get used to living with it. Time marches on until one day you realize that it’s been a whole hour or a whole day that you haven’t thought about your loved one or your loss. The holiday season is certainly a time when we remember our lost loves more often. Perhaps all we can do is recognize this and know that the intensity does lighten with time.
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Marie, I am catching up on your blog. This is so incredibly beautiful and beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing with us and allow us to be with you.
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Thank you for this post.
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My husband is all that I love, his dead bring so much pain into my heart , the house that I live in now it bring so much momrise of my late husband the good time the I have with him , it pain my heart most of the time to think about my husband , I am in deep grief inner pain , sometime I do not know what can really help me, I am from Singapore , if you asks Singapore people what is grief inner pain they will not want to know that you are in grief , all they will asks me go to work and that it , but I just cannot work I am in grief pain ,I live only all by myself I cried everyday to sleep , I cannot eat well and sleep well , my life is not the same anymore since my husband dead, everyday I still can remember how he dead on me it s very painful to feel the pain , I think of him at home , I remember how he was in hospital , the things that we do together it s just like yesterday that he dead on me , grief is too painful too feel everyday , I do not know what can heal my broken heart , how to help myself with this inner grief pain , I hope those whom have been though grief inner pain please teacher me how you have overcome yours pain , thank you
From : ROSALIND
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