Knowing when it is time to quit
Julia Barnickle shared this image on Facebook today and it was one of those right message at the right time moments for me. A recent online interaction brought this message forcibly home to me, when I found myself brooding over words that were written and getting really upset, (probably out of all proportion to what was meant by the words!). My first thought was that I was in the wrong and I needed to explain my position; my second thought was that they were the ones in the wrong and I shouldn’t have to justify myself, and now finally I realize a week later, neither of us were in the wrong, but the situation which brought this about is wrong for me. Excuse the cryptic nature of this example, but I don’t think the actual facts matter as I am sure many of us can think of other people and things in our lives which makes us feel this way.
After two days of going back and forth with my thoughts and feelings about the situation, I confided in a friend, who quite simply asked why not remove yourself from the situation? Can you believe that never occurred to me? I thought my choices were to defend my position, or just pretend I didn’t notice or care about what was said. That’s what a lifetime of an upbringing based on being a people pleaser/not wanting to hurt other’s feelings/thinking I must be to blame/not being a quitter can do for you!
I did make the decision to remove myself from the group because it was making me increasingly unhappy to be part of it, but I had no intention of writing this post today until I saw the quote above and a discussion started around it. I loved what Julia had to say:
I think that’s why it’s so important to recognise when it’s time to “quit” – or move on. I suppose, when you think about it, everyone is out for themselves anyway – me included, if I’m totally honest about it. So you have to always choose what’s right for YOU, not for anyone else. And sometimes it can be hard, if you think it’s going to hurt people’s feelings. But then again, you might find that they’ve been having doubts about the situation too. I know that’s been the case for me, in the past.
This doesn’t come easily to me, but from now on I resolve to ask myself if the people and things in my life make me feel empowered and good about myself or make me feel small. Ultimately we have to take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings, and not blame others for how we feel, but perhaps part of that responsibility is knowing when to walk away?
Oh Marie, this is a challenge for me to do too sometimes! (And sometimes, often!) But The Big C has made it *much* easier for me by lighting a fire under my arse where there only used to be a seat warmed by an irritating sun.
Knowing when to stand up; knowing when to stand up and walk away — two very different principles, two very important tools in the toolbox!
🙂
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Oh Renn 🙂 First off you made me smile with your “arse” comment – that’s a very Irish expression you know 😉 And secondly, it is so true that a serious illness or a bereavement does wake us up to how we want to live the rest of the days of our lives in some kind of authentic harmony. Finally, it is a work in progress for me too – but I promise to keep at it if you will? Much love, Marie x
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What wise words to live by. I think we’ve all had to let someone go because they, or the situation, was no longer in our best interest, and that’s not selfish. By putting up boundaries, or stepping out of unhealthy situations, not only do we teach people how to treat us, but we teach ourselves how we want to be treated.
XOXOXO,
Brenda
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Brenda, that is wonderful advice, about teaching people and ourselves how we want to be treated. Thanks so much for the comment – it is wonderful as always to hear from you again. We miss your voice in the blogosphere my dear x
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I so agree, but this can be difficult when family members are involved. I had a similar situation with my son’s first wife, who was very controlling and jealous, and did everything possible to empower herself and make me feel small. They are now divorced, but as she is the mother of my grandsons, and I wish to keep contact with them, I am obliged to see her now and then. My son’s second wife is turning out to be a similar “type”, she is quite loud, dominates the conversation, is often rude to me, makes jokes at my expense, refuses to call me by any name, makes me feel small, and I have to decide how to react as she is pregnant with my son’s child. If I allow myself to be angry with my son for many reasons, this can provoke the tumours in my liver, so I have to be very careful indeed!
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Oh Christina, your comment made me want to weep. I just don’t understand how people want to treat others so shabbily.
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Great article, Marie. I’m so glad that the image I shared on Facebook spurred you on to write it! 🙂
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Julia, thank you for inspiring me. I really hadn’t intended writing this, until I saw the image you posted, started a dialogue with you and then realized I wanted to share this with a wider audience in the hopes that it would help someone as much as it helped me today,.
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Marie:
This is exactly on point with the post I just wrote for The Huffington Post entitled, “How to Know It’s Time for You to Face the Unknown.” (http://ow.ly/i4laF) We are often burdened by a firm belief in the need to endure, regardless of the damage being done to our higher selves. I’m so glad that you questioned this belief and made the decision to walk away from what wasn’t working for you. Bravo!
Survival > Existence,
Debbie
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Debbie, I am so happy you shared this link – I missed this post of yours and I am very much looking forward to reading it.
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Thought-provoking post in all respects. There is a very fine line between self-respect, self-care, and selfishness. And I know my balance is not all that great. I can easily step off to either side. It behooves me to monitor closely.
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Lois, yes there is such a fine line and sometimes without the advice and support of trusted friends, it can be difficult to know where to draw the line.
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Good for you, Marie. It takes some backbone to say, ‘not any more’ and change. I’m so glad to hear you found the right advice & insight at the right time. ~Catherine
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Catherine, thank you,. I am not sure about the backbone..it doesn’t come naturally to me..but it is something I realize I need to do more of it. Thanks for all your support x
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Marie, is so important that we surround ourselves with groups that uplift us and know when it’s time to make a change. Sometimes we hold on because we tell ourselves we should. Instead if we think we could, then we don’t force ourselves to do something we don’t have to do. Great post!
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Susan, I love your comment about the importance of how we need to surround ourselves with groups that uplift us – thank you!
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“This doesn’t come easily to me, but from now on I resolve to ask myself if the people and things in my life make me feel empowered and good about myself or make me feel small.”
A profound, true statement that’s important (and not always so easy) to do. I love this post and can absolutely relate to the internal debate of whether to comment or not to comment, whether to justify or just to move on. It’s tough- especially when you care about the topic. Sometimes taking a step back and moving on is the most liberating experience we can have. Also, I wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog earlier today! 🙂
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I hear ya, Marie! It is so difficult to cut ties, even whew we know it’s the right thing to do. I found myself in this situation last summer and ended a not-so-healthy long-time friendship. It was rough, but I don’t regret it for a second and know it was the right call. This person had a hard time with my diagnosis–not bc she was worried for me, but bc she wasn’t the center of attention. Good grief! I hope you feel the peace that comes in knowing you’ve done the right thing for you. Lots of love coming your way.
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Dearest Nancy, thank you for your continuing support – I hope you know how much it (you!) mean to me!
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I was talking to my oncology-therapist-person today (I’m not sure what her official title is other than Saint) but she made a point that just floored me. She pointed out that I have suffered two major traumas in the past year, both of which I have minimized. (I’ve been minimizing major things for years and years, so why would cancer be different?? )
Anyway, the second, more lingering and traumatic thing – from which I am still reeling – is the callous and insensitive manner in which I was treated by some people, as I took those apprehensive first steps toward the resumption of normal activities. Stunning, really, to admit this, but I actually found MYSELF saying “Well, it was only a mastectomy.” or “It was only Stage II.” “It’s only a DIEP Flap.” Seriously!! I would NEVER say such a thing to another human being, yet it was acceptable to disregard and devalue my own experience.
Well … no more. I am going to choose for myself, all those things I hope for my own daughter. “If you don’t feel it, flee from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” I just love that.
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Yvonne, dearest friend, you know how much you helped me come to this decision. Thank you xxx
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I’ve seen this quote quite a bit on the internet in the past year, and it only reaffirms a big decision I made to quit my job. Best decision ever.
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Good to hear the decision you made about your job – not always easy, esp in the current economic climate, but we have but a short time on this earth and we need to live it peacefully – so I am with you all the way on this.
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This is so true, Marie. We need to respect our boundaries. I couldn’t agree more with the sentiment. Right now I am in a weird position and one son wants me to stay in the situation and the other says back out, even though I bought non-refundable airplane tickets. I’m not sure what to do, but what you posted was perfectly timed for me. xox Jan
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oh Jan, i am so sorry to hear you are in this situation, but I know you will make the right decision. Thinking of you always.. and it is wonderful to have you back blogging again my dear x
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Marie, I am also a recovering people pleaser. I started that journey before cancer, but it took cancer to really slap me out of that, especially during healing. I wrote a little about this in my last post under the subsection, “Cocooning.” http://www.womaninthehat.com/healing/ Hope you don’t mind that I linked to it, but it’s such a pertinent topic. You’re always in sync with your readers when you choose your topics. Kudos!
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Oh Eileen i love that line about being a recovering people pleaser 🙂 and i absolutely loved that you shared that link – JBBC is all about sharing, supporting and learning from each other in our journeys x
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dear marie,
well, honey-girl i hope you can see just how much of what you’ve tussled with, and had the courage to write about, after asserting your right to walk away from situations/people who bring you down has helped so many of us. i had to walk away from 3 sisters who, no matter how much i felt and showed how much i loved them, never returned that love, and only cared about “information” and drama – but not about me. the pain and hurt? the internal doubts about myself? i so get it! but i am at peace with it all now and know that those toxic relationships were just that – toxic. reading your words reaffirmed all that. even though we know in our hearts we’ve done the right thing for US, we still might need support and validationj that we’re not the bad guys. so here’s to liberation, and deliverance from anything that stands in the way of our own well-being and self worth!
love and thanks, marie, xoxo
karen, TC
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Karen, you have been such a wonderful support recently here on the blog, and I want you to know how very much I appreciate how you share your story and your insights. Thank you x
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Very well said, as well as all the comments.
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Clearly touched a nerve there, good piece and discussion thread. Hard to know when to walk away given that for much of our life, we have tended not to and either go along with a situation or, sometimes worse, contribute to a deteriorating situation. Walking away can not only be good for oneself but sometimes for the group dynamics as well.
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Thanks Andrew, for adding the male perspective to this discussion. Without sounding too sexist, I wonder if is something that women struggle with more than men – I mean the whole being brought up to please/not rock the boat thing?
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Happy to contribute. There may be a gender difference, but on the male side, the wish to show toughness (and avoid showing vulnerability) may also make it hard for men. Took me a while!
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That’s a great point Andrew!
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Marie,
This post is incredibly important–and you have a wonderful community that has added all kinds of great wisdom in the comments. Boundaries and their contribution to self-care are a huge part of the work of therapy, so this is ground I often cover. I can’t wait to share this post.
Warmly,
Ann
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Ann, thank you for your supportive comment. I really appreciate you sharing it and validating what so many have felt moved to comment on too.
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Hi Marie – one Irish BC survivor to another – thank you for your wonderful blog & all it gives to those of us who need the arms of such a fellowship. My tuppence worth. I felt like a fraud when diagnosed as in I didn’t need chemo just surgery, rads & tamox so I didn’t want to make any fuss when so many others had REAL cancer. Thus I forced myself back to my highpowered job too soon & after 3 months had a total melt down. I blamed Tamoxifen (and in truth I had bl@@dy awful side effects requiring follow up treatment) but I truly believe a lot of it was to do with my refusal to face up to the fact that I had a mortality impacting disease and recognise that I had to let go of my old ideas of ‘me’ as a highly capable, career woman. It’s been a soul searching 12 months during which I have and continue to address who I am, what is most important to me i.e. give myself permission to realise that my most cherished time is spent with my son and that it’s ok to want to be creative & pursue academia at the expense of a bank balance. I am also becoming fitter in my 40’s than I have ever been and will shortly marry a wonderful man who carried me through the last few years. The highlight of my day is collecting my little boy from school & walking home with him – listening to his chatter truly makes my soul sing. In that sense my cancer has been a gift. I wish you all lots of love and strength with your journey.
Cathy
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Cathy, I can’t tell you how happy I am that you took the time to comment here on something that I have had many women tell me over the past few years. It saddens me to think that there is some kind of perceived hierarchy of “suffering” (for want of a better word) when it comes to the stage and treatment of cancer. Cancer is cancer. It is a huge wake up call – a massive in your face realization of our mortality, no matter what stage or age or treatment we have. And the truth is we all face an uncertain future once we have been diangosed with cancer.
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Marie, everything in your post and the comments is so relevant for me. I loved reading Debbie Woodbury’s article and her line “Why did I feel there was strength in enduring the known, when it was fear of the unknown that was really driving my decisions?” As a soon-to-be recovering people pleaser I realize it is hard for me to ask for what I need, so I endure. You’ve helped me connect the dots. Enduring is not a strength but a detriment if it causes fear, shame, alienation or sadness. So onward to what makes us happy! Thank you!
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Hi Lindsey, what a wonderful comment and having just read your latest blog on the loss of your friend, it makes me think about how life really is too short to not try to live it in the most authentic way that brings a sense of peace, joy and true connection to our lives.
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Marie–this was wonderful. Your words touched my heart and inspired…and I found myself wishing there was a “like” button when I read the comments from others. I am going to try and get on FB to share this…thanks for being authentic and real! You are a gift to us!
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Kim, I am so touched that my words hit home for you. Thank you for your lovely comment – I really appreciate your support x
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I find it very interesting that you mention an online interaction which caused you distress. As journalist Jan Moir wrote recently “increasingly, online reactions have moved beyond the realms of the merely unhinged into a shrill, babbling dark place.”. As the mother of teenage daughters I am alarmed at the online bullying which I hear about and read in the media. As Jan Moir went on to say in that particular article “The thing about social media is that it is far from social. Indeed, much of it exists outside normal social parameters, in a no man’s land of anonymity and with little or no scrutiny. “
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Hi Helen, I actually read that article by Jan Moir – not a journalist I would have particularly liked, but I think she is spot on with this! Thanks for sharing it here.
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Marie,
Wow! You have written some timely, important, thought provoking, engaging posts the past couple of weeks! You go girl! 🙂 I would like to say that this post about when it is time to move on is very meaningful for where I am now. My husband and I have both come to a point where a ‘city’ no longer works for us–our jobs, our social life, support network, etc. are proving a little more toxic than is acceptable and we’re simply not living a balanced, happy life. Deciding to move on is scary (especially with this pre-existing condition of bc I now have), but in the long run I can only pray that it will be for the best.
JoAnn
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JoAnn, it’s great to hear from you again 🙂 and to hear your exciting plans about moving from the city. My husband and I moved from the city to the country five years ago and it was the right move for us! Good luck with it and I will be looking forward to hearing about your new life together x
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Hello Fellow Cancer Warrior!
My name is Allison and I read your survival blog and it truly has moved me! I wanted to introduce myself and my new t-shirt line to you. I wanted to start a tshirt line because I had a few bad days due to chemotherapy and just wanted to scream out to the world how I felt. One night I had a vision to express myself and others on how we felt about cancer! And my dream came true with http://www.warriorteeshirts.com. I am doing something special in the beginning of the line and that is limited editions. Part of the proceeds will go to non-profit cancer organizations. I would love for you to take a minute to look at my line and even spread it through out your friends and family. Im also on facebook under Warrior Tee Shirts. Thank you so much and continue to live a beautiful cancer free life!
Allison Warrior Pickens
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