Dedicated to all who are feeling the loss of a loved one this Christmastime
Love all lovely, Love divine;
Love came down at Christmas,
Star and angels gave the sign.”
~Christina Georgina Rossetti~
I am reposting this guest post written last year for me by Lauren Rockwell – I am sure you will agree it is worth the repost. I dedicate it to all who are feeling the loss of a loved one this Christmastime
I have spent several weeks now wanting to “fill the gap” for Marie, and had hit a stall. I found myself wanting to write about the experience of the loss of a mother in a way that would comfort her. Yet every time I approached it, I started to think about how I felt in those early days when I had lost my own mother and I became consumed, distracted and overwhelmed with sadness. I was left trying to find inspiration and some kind of salve to offer, and not finding much of it for sure.
As Christmas approaches, a Facebook friend posted that she, being part of the motherless daughters club was really missing her mom. She noted that it had been 12 Christmas’s without her mom, and I thought, “Gosh it’s been 19 now for me.” There is nothing more true than when Mariah Carey sings, “I miss you most at Christmas time.”
My mom you see, was Little Miss Christmas. She handmade ornaments, baked her famous coconut pound cake, and she had all these kitschy ceramic trees and snowmen that lit up. Tiny little elves, (collected back then as a promo with dish soap) covered our house, snow was stenciled on the windows, and crafts were made from macaroni and gold paint. The house smelled of rib roast as we came in from church on Christmas Eve, and greenery was everywhere; on every railing it could find. Our house became this little insular bubble of joy at Christmas; it is the most special memory of my childhood.
I remember hearing once that we don’t ever get over losing someone, we just get used to not having them around. I suppose that may be true in some respects, but I am still not used to her being gone. Yet I have also found that I have a new kind of relationship with my mom; one where I do talk with her almost daily and imagine her reaction to things my kids have done, one where I imagine her on a bench in heaven giving milkbones to dogs and having a hand in looking over my kids.
I often see signs of her in my life, and choose to believe she is communicating to me with this new language that defines our new relationship; a relationship with her soul rather than with her physical being.
Once, while sitting weepy and alone on a beach, swarms of conch shells began to wash up. My mom, the ultimate shell seeker surely had a hand in it. Once, I had to leave a shopping mall when I was overcome with grief when I saw all the mothers and daughters Christmas shopping. It was raining as I sat in my car trying to collect myself and I looked up to see a brilliant rainbow…as a child my room was covered with rainbows. My mom is with me every day in the choices I make, in the way I parent, in what I do with my kids at the holidays and in the gratitude I experience for how she parented me. While I am not able to hug her anymore, she is still able to hug me.
Once, while at the cemetery my dad tells me he asked for a sign from my mom that she was okay and just like that, a squirrel popped up on her headstone. My mom always fed the squirrels as she worried about their ability to forage food in the deep snow of Maryland winters. My dad later asked his priest about what happened, asking him if he thought it was a sign from my mom and the priest said, “You asked for a sign and got it, why are you doubting that?”
So off me and my mom go into Christmas, baking her coconut pound cake with my kids in the glow of my ceramic Christmas trees. Her dish soap elves grin from my mantle and our handmade gifts sit under the tree awaiting gifting. Kitschy ornaments are being made, and my kids will experience the insular joy of the day as they run down our stairs; stairs with railings covered with greenery. We will smell the delightful and familiar smells of the season so hardwired to my comfort, and in all of this I will feel the hug of my mother, and my children will feel the hug of the grandmother they never met.
And her love, will come down all lovely, at Christmas.
No doubt about it.
(Image source: dreamstime.com)
Related Post:
The Empty Chair at the Holiday Table
Beautiful post.
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This is my first Christmas without my own mother this year and it hurts so much – reading Lauren’s post really helped me feel a deeper sense of connection to her love
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Stunningly beautiful, wise and wonderful.
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If you are reading this and feeling alone because of some grief in your life, please know that you are not alone! Many, many people are experiencing loss at this time of year – it may be bereavement, divorce, ill health – whatever form it takes, grief is an experience that is common to everyone. Take heart that you will not always feel this bad and that there will be times of joy and light in your life again. Wishing you all peace of my mind and heart during this season x
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The Holy Spirit is the God of all comfort (2 Cor.1:1-3) so ask Him to help you through the grief you are feeling at this sad time. May God comfort and bless you x
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I am finding today very difficult as I lost my mother to breast cancer six months ago. I am feeling overwhelmed with a great hunger for a sight of her, a touch of her and was feeling quite despairing until I read this blog – thank you Lauren for this beautiful piece.
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Christmas is full of grief triggers: empty chairs at the table, the missing faces, of precious loved ones, the now silent voices seem to haunt the day, esp that first Christmas. Be kind and compassionate to yourself and know that the grief does lessen in time.
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I find comfort in the words of Rebecca St. James in Loved: “He [Jesus] is ready to…stand in the gap between you and the pain, and to be your constant companion in the dark hours. He loves you.” Try to hold onto this thought x
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Losing a parent can be one of the most traumatic events of your life, although there is this false expectation that because we all will go through it at some time it is somehow less of a grief or pain. This is simply not true – it literally can shake your very foundations to its core.
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It is tempting to spend the day thinking about what you have lost, and forgetting what you still have in your life. So while, it is natural to grieve the loss of your loved one, please don’t do it to the detriment of those who are still there and need your love and attention today too.
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Like Lauren, my Mom always made Christmas special for all of her family and this is my 4th Christmas without her – I still miss her terribly and my heart goes out to anyone experiencing the loss of a loved one, especially at this time.
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This is my fifth Christmas without my mum and I wish i could say it’s got easier, but it still very hard. Every christmas you are going to miss her no matter what, but do make sure to take care of yourself x
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So sorry to read you have lost your mum so recently and then the added pain of losing your baby – this will be a tough day for you, but know that many people are thinking of you and holding you in light x
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You will get through the day if you don’t put too much expectation on it – tell yourself it is just one day and I can get through it – be gentle with yourself x
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Thinking of you Marie at this sad time – hugs x
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Don’t hide the tears and sadness. Cry if you need to today but also remember the happy times with your Mum.
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Being a part of the motherless daughters club for 39 years, you brightened my Christmas morning, Lauren..thank you! God’s Blessings be to both you, Marie, and all of us as His Gift is given to us this day.
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How beautifully written. My tears spill over. Moms are a special breed, always close to the heart. Mine will never, ever be forgotten. You brightened my Christmas morning, Lauren, just as you did Michele’s.
XOXO
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Lauren, once again you nailed it. Beautiful, poetic, prophetic, wise, sweet, sad, familiar, and funny all at once. This is Christmas #6 for me without my mom, and it’ll never be the same. We have found ways to feel her presence, though, and now that we’ve added the famous coconut pound cake to our holiday spread, we can feel a little of your mom’s presence, too. Well done, my friend. Lots of love to you and Marie today.
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Beautiful post. It made me feel so grateful that I have my mother and my 91 year old grandmother here with me this Christmas. As a breast cancer warrior, I pray that we will all be around to celebrate next Christmas together as well.
Cancer Warrior
http://www.perksofcancer.com
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Thank you everyone, what a peaceful Christmas day this made for me, and I hope that as intended, it offered Marie and others some peace, and understanding and love this holiday as well.
Lauren
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Lauren,
Simply beautiful. Your mother will always live on in you, and I do believe the squirrel was a sign.
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Very nice post, Lauren. “I talk to my mom and imagine her reaction to things my kids have done …”
My dad’s been gone 4 weeks today (I can’t believe how fast it goes) and I was just telling my mom over the phone that when I was out walking, the day before I was talking to him. She says, like you say, she talks to him every day. Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew they could hear us? Hope all who come here had a wonderful Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, or whatever holiday is yours. Hope you enjoyed the people who mean the most to you and were warmed by the memories of those who can’t be with you in body anymore. Rachel
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I agree with everyone, Lauren, your post is a lovely gift to daughters everywhere.
Cheers and a happy, healthy 2012 to all!
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Wonderful post. I loved it. “While I am not able to hug her anymore, she is still able to hug me.”
Thanks for this post, Lauren.
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Lauren and Marie,
What a lovely post. My mom was one of those moms who really knew how to do Christmas too! It was her favorite time of year and the preparations began immediately after Thanksgiving. I have so many wonderful memories. This time of year makes me sad, but also very grateful. I think of my mom every single day. I feel as if I still have a relationship with her, it’s just different now. Her influence and love continue on for sure and that’s very comforting. Like you said, Lauren, the ‘hugs’ are still coming. Love that. Thinking of you, Marie…
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Hi
that is a lovely lovely post. i would not be a christmas person as my dad is dad is dead a very long time. One day on the GR radio show this very topic was being discussed. One lady phoned in and said the christmas is hard when someone close has past away but that she had to learn to live her life a different way with out that person. It made sense to me and that I had to except that life is never the same with out that someone.. But I strongly belive that their spirit is always there watching over us and heloing us. Have a peaceful 2012
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Truly great words… I hope your Christmas was as joyful as ours!
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Losing a parent can be one of the most traumatic events of your life.Thanks for sharing
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