Losing my mother: one year on
Today is the first anniversary of my beloved mother’s death. It has been the hardest year of my life; much, much tougher than my year of living cancerously.
There is plenty I could write about today, but my heart is too heavy. Instead I want to share these lines above for anyone who is going through a loss right now. I have found them to be so true in my own life.
Looking back on the crushing pain over the last year, I honestly don’t know how I made it through – indeed many times I didn’t think I could get through it. Even now, although I am through the worst, the hurt is still raw and sometimes the storm whips itself up into a frenzy again.
Am I the same person I was a year ago? In some ways I am, but in many ways, not. Like any great loss, the experience has left its mark and changed me. It is an evolving process, and I find I am still changing.
A dear friend lost her own mother last week, and I found myself at a loss to know what to say. All I could offer was how deeply sorry I am and how much I understand the depth of her pain. I know how desperately sad, lonely and heartbreaking the next year will be for her. I can still remember vividly the utter desolation of waking up the morning after my mother’s funeral to a terrible feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I have felt that awful sense of loneliness many, many times in this past year, and I wish I could save my friend from having to go through it too. The truth is that I can’t save her, I can’t save myself, nor can I save anyone from loss, sorrow and pain – it’s part of life. All we can do is to walk beside each other, acknowledge the pain, and show the compassion and understanding we have learned from our experiences of loss. In the words of a previous post, “we are all just walking each other home”.
Thinking about you Marie …
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Marie–Thank you for sharing your heart and your words. I have no words…just prayers and thoughts.
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Kim, that means more to me than any words could – thank you xxx
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You are in my prayers, Marie. Jewish tradition teaches that we mourn for a year, and while our “regular” activities get phased in, some after a week, and more after a month, it can only be after we’ve gone through the cycle of an entire year that we know what it means to live without our loved one. We have to traverse holidays and birthdays and daily moments before we can move on. And even in moving on, that loss remains forever. Despite the distance, I am holding you close. Much love…Lori
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öhm…hugh?…hug! right? 😆
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It’s hard losing a loved one! Big hugh…
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My thoughts are with you Marie. I am sure you have thought of a way to remember her today.. The love you had for her is her biggest honour. Celebrate that today too. Love Audrey
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Thank you for sharing Marie, today for my family it’s also 1 year from losing our father. Yours words have helped and my thoughts go to you. Losing a love one is hard to deal with, but with our family & friends we some how manage to make our way through.
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In July, on the first anniversary of my mother’s death, we went out for a fancy afternoon tea. Be good to yourselves today. Celebrate her life and love, and the fact that you’ve made it through the worst. It’s never over, but it won’t be that bad again.
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Marie. Thank you for sharing your heart. Praying the weight will be lifted a bit today. Long distant hugs!
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You’ve expressed things so beautifully Marie and reminded those of us fortunate enough to still have our mothers with us to value the time. I am very grateful to you.
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So sorry Marie. Prayers go out to you. Thanks for sharing this with your “other family”.
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Hi, Marie. My best and my prayers at this time. You are so brave to share your pain with the rest of us as you do. Thank you.
Máire
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Oh, honey. My heart hurts for you. The first milestones without her are the worst. I know that pain and emptiness and desolation well. You’re so right that there’s precious little anyone can do as one traverses the divide between having her here and having her gone. Words are so inadequate in this place of sorrow. I do hope it helps to know that you are so very loved, and that many of us are holding you close from all corners of the globe. Your mum would be so proud to know how you’ve touched so many lives and warmed so many hearts with your insightful words and unfailing kindness. I carry your heart with me today. Much love to you, sweet Marie.
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❤ thinkin of ya lass .. xxx
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I’m sorry for your loss
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Oh Marie, big big hugs to you. People always say the first year is the hardest, and I guess that’s true. The sharpness of the pain lessens, but the impact of a great loss lasts forever. Next March makes five years for me since my mom died and I’m feeling more emotional again as I prepare for the holidays this year. I’m not sure exactly why… Cherish the memories of your dear mom when you are sad. That’s what I do. Her love is still very much with you. Thanks for sharing what’s in your heart.
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What a wonderful mother she must have been, to have raised such a wise and compassionate daughter. Sending hugs from far away at this painful time, Marie.
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Dear Marie, November is always a difficult month. I have been doing readings the past few days and have been touched by the love and proximity of relatives who have passed over. I read a poem at my father’s funeral which echoes the feeling that they are close by, in another room, just around the corner. I know that your mother is so very proud of you and the amazing love you share from your big Irish heart with so many others around the globe, travelling challenging journeys. Fondest love and courage, Christina xxxxx
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Your words really touched my heart today Christina.. thank you xxxx
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Dear Marie:
Hugs and much love to you. I am so sorry for your loss and pain.
Survival > Existence,
Debbie
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Debbie, heartfelt thanks to you x
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Wise words from Lori. I’ve often thought that we need to acknowledge in a more universal way that the first year after a loss like this is just grueling. But it is the hardest year, and you’ve gotten through it. These losses do stay with us, though, but time does help us figure out how to live with it more gently. I’ll never forget my mom’s death, but it did begin to haunt me less over time, so that I could start to think of her with love and remembered joy, and not always with acute, overwhelming heartache. You’ve been through so much, Marie. And that quote at the beginning is so true. Sending you love and understanding. Kathi
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Kathi, thank you so much for your supportive and wise words – I have read them so many times since yesterday because it is just the message I needed to hear from someone who has been there. Thank you xxx
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Kathi, I love how you say time helps us live with the loss more gently–brilliant! That expresses it so much better than the trite (but true) “time heals all wounds.” The idea of living gently with the loss of my mom really resonates with me. Thank you!
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Yes Nancy, I agree and now I have some words to use to my friend who has lost her mom too that don’t sound like the usual cliched time heals.. who wants to hear that when you are recently bereaved and the dark world closes in on you!
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Thinking of you and sending much love, Philippa xxx
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Thank you for your friendship Philippa – it means so much to me x
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thinking of you and your family marie – i know how hard this is for you all
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ah you have been through the mill in the last year with all the losses you have had to go through – stay strong and you will get through these dark days again xxxx
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what a beautiful tribute to your mum xxx
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heartfelt and touching – those of us who have lost a loved one can identify with this very much xxx
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the first year is the hardest marie as others have said here – it will get easier xxx
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thinking of you and holding you close in my heart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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you describe the awful desolate emptiness so well. althugh it is 5 years since i lost my own mother, the memory of standing by her grave still evokes a terrible loneliness in me
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bereavement is a lonely place – but you are not alone Marie xxx
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Once again I’d like to share a poem with you, Marie, and your readers. It seems apropos for your anniversary:
But Can I HIde?
Anxious to get the grieving done
I run and run and run and run
Thinking at last I’m almost there
I glimpse her apron hanging,
still hanging, hanging
by the stair
(excerpted from The Last Violet: Mourning My Mother, copyright 2002, Lois Tschetter Hjelmstad)
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I feel honored to have you share one of your exquisite poems with me.. this one really touched my heart – thank you xxx
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Thank you, Marie, for the nice compliment. It is my pleasure to share.
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I really appreciate your words Lois .. more than you know x
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oh, marie,
i am so glad you wrote this poignant, beautifull, flowing-from-your heart piece about mourning your precious mother. i hope as the words poured onto the page that you felt comfort in the telling, and, perhaps, a warm light of motherly love that never, ever dies, and the feeling of her being near you. your ability to write about your journey of grieving the loss of your mum is a way to lean into your grief, to face it, to honor it and help you to heal. a lovely, albeit, bitter-sweet one, i know.
please know that i am keeping you close to my heart, dear marie. i hope you can FEEL all the love and caring that i and others are embracing you with.
love, XOXO,
karen, TC
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Karen, what a beautiful comment and yes, the outpouring of love and support has helped me more than you know – thank you xxx
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Marie I am so sorry for the hardships you’ve endured across this past year. Please know (as I sure you do) that we are here to walk with you, and give whatever support we can when you feel low. I hope this next year is kinder and brings happier times.
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Catherine, the support i have received from you and others has meant the world to me – thank you for your kind words x
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We are indeed all walking each other home. I have no other words other than that I love you very much, Marie.
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Holding you close in my heart Jan xxx
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Sept 24, will be one year I lost my mother too. After years of dealing with cancer type pain and emotions this was not even close to the shear stabbing loss I feel for my mother. I’m an only child, no father, so I’m it, for any family besides my kids. I’m so so sorry. My mom died two rounds into a new chemo I was trying and I was so very sick. If it wasn’t for my kids I would have curled up and died beside her. Unconditional love from a mother can’t seem to be replaced. Now my fear of my kids having to feel this way when I pass upsets me more than anything else about my cancer. Bless your heart and thanks for posting, I needed to know I’m not alone. You are very brave and my best wishes.
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Well said!!
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