Learning to let go
Letting Go by Fiona Jack
“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go” ~ Mary Oliver
These beautiful words from my favorite poet were hand written in a card sent to me by my sweet friend Debbie. I have had to do some more letting go since I first read these words from Debbie a week ago. I have had to let go of a precious secret – the baby I have been carrying for the past 10 weeks, the baby that appeared like a miracle in my life right at the time I was losing my beloved mother. I carried this precious secret in my body and in my heart holding it against my bones knowing my own life depended on it..but this week the time came to let it go.
At my scan last week we were told the baby’s heart beat had stopped and our longed-for miracle was no more. After a week of waiting to miscarry naturally, I finally gave in and went to the hospital yesterday for a D&C. I am home again tonight and feeling so very sad and very empty – I feel as if I have lost my Mother all over again. Part of me believed this baby was sent to heal our grief over Mum’s death, that she (we found out it was a girl) would somehow bring Mum back to us. So, to lose her is a double blow. Sometimes, life is very cruel and difficult and this is one of those times. Please keep us in your prayers and your thoughts as we face a very sad Christmas this year. Your good wishes really are keeping me going.
Blessings to you all at this time.
Marie x
Oh Marie, I am just so very sorry.
Life is so very hard and unfair at times, and you have had more than your share.
Love, and life, and joy and your child will find you ; of that I am certain. Please keep your arms and heart open, it is the only way you will be able to catch it when it comes to you. And it will.
Lauren
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Marie, I am just so sad as I read this. What can I say? God Bless You! I assure you that I am praying for you, and I do believe that prayer CAN move mountains….I have seen it!
Love, Flo
http://www.perksofcancer.com
p.s I lost my first baby on Christmas morning, 1994. I have since had 3 children.
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Marie, I am so very, very sorry to hear of your sad loss. Life is certainly treating you harshly at the moment, and I hope you know that while there may only be one set of footprints in the sand right now, it is because you are being carried.
Máire
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Marie,
I am so very, very sorry about the loss of both your mum and your baby. I hope that Maire is right and that there is only one set of footprints because God is carrying you. I would be so tempted to shake my fist at Him right now and yell “Excuse me, do I look like Job?” My prayers are with you during this difficult time and if that includes fist shaking on your behalf, I will. I hope you and your husband and the rest of your family can find comfort with each other and that all your Christmases to come are much happier.
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Oh Jackie, your comment about Job made the corners of my mouth turn up..I think that might have been the beginnings of a smile, and i haven’t smiled in a long time, so thank you for that ♥
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Marie, I read this and fear whatever I say will sound so insignificant, but I can’t let this incredibly moving post past without telling you how much you and your family are in my thoughts.
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Your words have the power to heal Cara and I am so grateful that you did take the time to comment – thank you x
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Marie, this makes me cry. You have suffered so much loss. Too much loss. I am at a loss for what to say to offer you comfort. I’m so sorry. It took such strength for you to reveal that secret; but I am glad that you did. Letting go of it allows us to help you pick up the pieces. I am sending you warm, comforting, wrapping hugs this cold winter night.
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Thank you Renn..I really debated whether or not to post it..because there come comes a point where you think, how can I possibly reveal that my life is an even bigger mess than people think…but then, the outpouring of support and love from everyone really does help to heal some of the pain and I am so grateful for all of your comments x
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Dear Marie,
My heart breaks for all that you are facing at this time. Words seem meaningless at these times, so please know that you are in my prayers for all the love and comfort you need to face each day, and the strength and support to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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So grateful to you for your wise and compassionate words Lori ♥
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Maria,
I am so very sorry to hear of this new painin your life. This is definately one of those times where life isn’t fair and doesn’ t make sense. Although i am sure God seems far away in this period of darkness, please know that he loves you…I am praying for you…and so wish I lived next door to hold your hand during this challenging time. All my love, Kim
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Your prayers are powerful Kim – even though my faith is weak right now – I do believe in the power of your prayers and am so grateful you continue to pray for me ♥
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Marie, my heart is so heavy right now after reading your sad news. I wish I had words to soothe your battered soul. I’m so very sorry. Although we are an ocean apart, I’m keeping you close to my heart right now. xoxo
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Thank you Nancy ♥
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Dear Marie,
I am so so so sorry. This is a cruel blow and there aren’t any words I can say to ease your pain. I hate that this is just coming at you in waves-one crashing right on top of the other without giving you a moment to breathe. Sending my love to you. Yes, this is a sad sad time. I am here, we are all here.
AnneMarie
xoxox
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Oh Anne Marie your image of the waves crashing (crushing) against my shores is a very apt one! I am very grateful though for the life raft you and my other online friends are sending me ♥
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Marie,
My heart is breaking for you. I can’t even imagine how difficult this Christmas will be. I know I have no words to ease the pain. Life is brutally cruel sometimes. I am here, if ever, however you need me. I would happily carry some of your burden for you, if I could. Sending you so much love.
Terri.
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There are no words. I feel your pain and am so very sorry.
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I am so very sorry, Marie. You have endured way too much pain in your life. It’s fathomless and unexplainable. I do love that quote; it speaks to human nature so eloquently. Words fail me as I think about you this Christmas and New Year. My prayers have doubled now for your losses. May you find comfort amidst the grief, solace despite the sorrow..
XOXO,
Jan
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Dearest Jan, I do find comfort in your words and your prayers and loving wishes ♥
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Marie,
This brought me to tears. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can totally relate. I lost a baby at 11 weeks; just like in your case, the baby’s heart stopped beating. I was devastated and grieved for over a year. I had the D&C, too.
This is so heart-wrenching and cruel. I’m so sorry.
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I am so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss.
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Marie, I have no words. My heart hurts for you. I know we hear all of the time “Things happen for a reason”, I know that doesn’t help much right now, but I have to believe there was a very good reason for this. I am so, so sorry.
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I’m just reading your words now and I’m over-whelmed and cannot imagine your sorrow. I am so sorry, Marie. Letting go of those we love is so so hard and you have had to let go of two very precious souls in such a short time span. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom and your precious baby girl. It’s completely unfair. I don’t think there are always reasons for why things happen. There just aren’t. I love the quote. It’s very compelling and very true. Hoping you are healing a bit day by day. hugs.
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You have been a wonderful source of strength and comfort to me over these past difficult months Nancy and I ma very appreciative of all your comments – thank you xxx
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Life is just not fair.I feel so sad for you.I lost my step-mum just before christmas and to me it was like losing my mother all over again(even though she died 38 years ago)….Where do you go with all that grief?I don’t know the answer to that.I just know that you carry it around inside you like a huge heavy stone weighing you down and with time the weight of that stone lessens.But you always carry it around inside you like a sad but very precious jewel.Much love to you.
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Oh Louisa, so sorry to hear of the loss of your stepmother. Christmas is such a sad time when we lose someone we love. Thank you for your lovely comment x
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So sad…I am very sorry.
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Thank you Lisa
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Oh, Marie I am so very sorry for your deep losses.
May I offer a tool that helped me deeply during my “Trifecta Years” (loss of mother, fiance & son in 3 successive years): homeopathic ignatia amara. It really helps with grief; it just helps pull one out of the pit.
Take 1 pellet of a 30c dose, as needed for the grief.
Deepest love & healing to you in this time.
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Skye, thank you so much for sharing this tip with me – you have had a lot of grief to deal with – my heart goes out to you and I am very grateful for your stopping by and leaving such a helpful comment. I will certainly follow up on this, Blessings to you x
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Oh Marie, I am so very, very sorry. So sad to have these two losses so close together.
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Sarah, I appreciate your good wishes very much x
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Marie – once again words fail me. How much can a person endure? My heart literally aches for you. Sending you love. Rachel xxxxxxxx
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Receiving the love with deep gratitude Rachel xxx
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Marie, this is so sad and unfair. Words are woefully inadequate, all I can do is send love and prayers and gentle healing thoughts
Philippa
xxxx
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I am very grateful to receive them Phillipa x
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Marie, I read with great sadness ‘Sometimes, life is very cruel and difficult and this is one of those times’.
I just don’t understand why you are having such a difficult time – it just seems so unfair. I’m lost for words.
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Oh Lily..thank you x
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Marie, I have not been able to get to this post until now, and I’m utterly devastated for you. I just cannot bear hearing what a thrashing your poor, beautiful, generous heart has taken.
Tears of grief and sorrow here, but sending you love, prayers, and a profound wish that you will fine some peace and healing in the New Year.
Gentle hugs.
Kathi
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What a beautiful comment Kathi – your words go a long way towards healing some of the pain x
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It is so unfair that such a remarkable person has to go through so much. I hope very much that 2012 is kinder to you and your husband.
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My dear Marie,
I have just caught up with your blog… well you know what .. personally I think if I met mother nature there would be a serious cat fight and there definately would be a queue of others right behind me .. I hope that in time you will find your smile once again….
Sending a hug your way
Sarah M xx
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Aw Sarah, thank you so much – you actually did bring a smile to my lips today with your comment 😉
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Marie, I have no words to express all that you have faced over the last month. Marie you are such a friend an an inspiration to me. Regardless of the circumstances I still am believing for you that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. Long distant hugs my friend..and to Billy! 🙂
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So good to read your comment and to know that you are still praying for me Luann…don’t give up on me!
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I am so sorry Marie. I feel like I’m saying that to you way too much these days, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.
That quote from Mary Oliver’s poem is my go-to when I’m in the muck of grief.
Love and hugs from middle America.
Katie
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Dear Marie
I am so so so sorry for you and your family. What words can be said? you give so much, strenght hope to us all. my friend lost 2 little girls and they were my gaurdian angels through out the last 18 months so I will be asking them to take care of you and family. i will join that cat fight too. You are in my prayers
Mona
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Dearest Marie, I stumbled upon your blog this evening quite by accident (or not), feeling sorry for myself, thinking that all my best, prettiest, smartest and healthiest years are behind me, and ended up being reminded that the most important things in the world to me (my own mother and daughter) are still in my life. Suddenly, I am more grateful, more hopeful, and more humble just hearing of your loss and being amazed and empowered by your strength. I thank you, and pray God’s blessings upon you during the New Year. With God’s grace, your arms may hold a beautiful baby by this time next year, and your heart will be filled with joy once again.
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What a beautiful comment Sandra – thank you so much for taking the time to share it and also for reminding me of what I also have to be grateful for in my own life x
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Marie,
I sought to find your words today, as I was thinking of you over Christmas. I am yet again at a loss for words on reading of your heart breaking news. Your story really does question fairness in our world.
May you find the strength and hope again in 2012, and my thoughts are with you and your family at this time.
This is certainly a reminder that our troubles are really not our own, and it is important to share and communicate – thank you also for pressing that message to all the wonderful people who find your blog xx
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I am so grateful to you for taking the time to leave this comment Elaine – honestly, the support I have received from everyone has been incredibly healing and has given me the comfort and strength I need to carry on.
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Marie, how are you, darling? I think of you often and pray the New Year has brought you a renewed sense of peace an hope. Please give us an update. Hugs, Sandra
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Oh Sandra, how lovely to hear from you again and to read your kind words…really warmed my heart when I read them x
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Oh Marie! I wish I could win the lottery and fly you over here to Sunny Florida to give you a big hug, and pamper you through your suffering! My heart aches for you! This life is much suffering! Our belief is we don’t get through life without suffering, just wonder why some have to endure so much more? If and when we are reunited with our creator, we all will see your babies again!. I too smiled at your friend Jackie Fox’s comment about JOB! I love you, and will continue to keep you and Billy in prayer!
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Marie, it’s been almost a year since my last message, and I wonder what the last year has brought you, darling. Any good baby news that you can share?
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