I was supposed to be ready
The expectation when you lose a parent is that somehow it is to be expected and that this makes the grief more bearable and less painful. But those of us who have experienced this loss tell a different story. In today’s guest post, Nancy Stordahl offers insight and practical advice to those of us who are mourning the loss of a beloved parent.
Society gives few messages and the ones that are given seem mixed about how to “appropriately” grieve for parents. In his book, When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults, Edward Myers states:
Loss of a parent is the single most common form of bereavement in this country. Yet the unstated message is that when a parent is middle-aged or elderly, the death is somehow less of a loss than other losses. The message is that grief for a dead parent isn’t entirely appropriate.
However, just because losing a parent is so common place and in the natural order of things, that does not mean a person can or should be expected to simply bounce back. On the contrary, losing a parent is extremely difficult for most adult children if you have had a good relationship with your parent and even if you haven’t. In fact, sometimes the latter makes it even more difficult due to unresolved issues or conflicts.
So, remember that losing a parent can be unexpectedly devastating and cause considerable upheaval in even an adult son or daughter’s life. Maybe that sounds like stating the obvious, but I think it’s worth saying anyway. The magnitude of this loss can take you by surprise and helpful resources are not that plentiful.
HERE ARE A FEW SUGGESTIONS FOR COPING
1. Don’t expect to be ready, you won’t be.
2. Never let anyone belittle this loss or hurry you through your grief. You need to experience all of its intensity.
3. Grieving for a parent, just like all grieving, takes considerable hard work emotionally, physically and spiritually.
4. All of this work takes time, the process must not be hurried.
5. Even as an adult, don’t be surprised by your feelings of abandonment and uncertainty.
6. After they’re gone your parent will continue to be a part of your life, just in a different sense. You are still their son or daughter.
7. Remember once you do emerge on the other side of grief, you will be forever changed, but in some ways stronger and maybe even better.
Visit www.nancyspoint.com to read more of Nancy’s writings.
Superb post Nancy! Your mother is such an important part of your daily life so it is unreasonable to expect that the grief and loss are not deeply felt when you lose her.
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I lost my mother two months ago and I feel as I am in a nightmare of grief – my entire world has been turned completely upside down.
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I grieved the death of my mother for a long time and my heart goes out to anyone suffering this right now. All I can tell you is that, it won’t always feel as bad as it does right now, and eventually things will get better.
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This poem helped me at the time of my own mother’s death and I’d like to share it with you all.
Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something —
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I’ve known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that’s left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.
Author unknown
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Remember that your mother will always be your mother, and you will always be her daughter. She will always be a part of who you are, and the relationship you have with her will go on forever. Take heart x
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I lost my precious mother on November 11 and the grief is so hard right now. I think about her all the time and can not believe she is gone.
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When I lost my mother a year ago, Iife was never the same again for me without her love and presence.
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I lost my Mum to cancer 4 weeks ago today. Its getting harder every day to accept that she is not going to be around anymore.I hope in time things will get better but at the moment the grief is overwhelming.
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My mother died 7 months ago and I still cry for her every day. I would do anything to hear her voice again.
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Those of you who have lost your mother i know your pain, – stay strong and remember we will all reunite someday.
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I lost my mom in July this year. She was my everything. My world has fallen apart since. The pain hasn’t lessened for me.
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Today is my mom’s birthday. I lost her 4 years ago, and it feels like yesterday. I can relate to everyone’s pain and grief.
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Lets try again… I know that someday my mother and I will no longer be able to be go out for lunch, call her on the phone to say; MOM ! you should see the flower that I just got, and so many other beautiful moments that we share. Maria… I would like to thank you for the poem you shared it made me cry and I will do this in honor her —-“Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that’s left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.”
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Marie,
I love that poem; thanks for sharing at a time it means as much to me and some of the others here who have shared their experiences – and you, of course.
I can almost hear my dad expressing the sentiments in the verse. My family has lots of love, but also mismanaged anger and emotions – he used to get so depressed over the fighting.When my brother asked him what he wanted toward the end (just before he was no longer able to talk) he said for his family to be there. He wanted us to all be around him and each other and finding comfort together.
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So sorry for your loss, Nancy. This post brought to my mind that I need to cut my mother some slack who may still be grieving for her mother, who passed away last year at 99 yrs old. Even though she was 99, I need to still recognize my mother’s need to continue grieving until she is finished.
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Nancy, thank you so much for this beautiful writing. It touches so many hearts. I have lost both my parents and will never be the same again. The feeling is like that of an orphan, I am told. I’m fortunate to have a brother who shares many old family memories, but I can’t imagine what will happen if he dies before I do. The last thread from the past other than my cousins. It’s comforting at least to know we are not alone in our grief.
Take good care,
Jan
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Nancy, thank you for this brilliant, poignant posting. I can’t imagine the level of your grief, and thank you for pointing out that the grief is strong even when one’s parents are elderly when they die. Thank you for the tips. I’m lucky that both my parents are alive, and your writings have helped me savor my moments with them.
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Nancy, a wonderful post. Your suggestions are accurate, true and needed.
One thing that blind-sided me after my father died was my mother’s grief (did not see that one coming).
Loss of a parent… yes, natural order of things, and one of the absolute hardest things in life.
Comfort and peace to all who are grieving tonight.
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I want to thank everyone for the heart-felt comments. I appreciate each and every one of them. Grief is something that binds us all together as human beings, but yet the topic is still so neglected in my view. This is especially true when the loss is perceived as being in the natural order of things. While that may be true when discussing loss of a parent, it’s still a difficult life passage. That’s why I wanted to include grief and loss when I started my breast cancer blog. I empathize with all who are grieving now and especially with you, Marie, as you begin to carry on in your new role as a motherless daughter. In this you are not alone either, even though at times it seems that way. Thanks again for all the wonderful comments. Thank you, Marie, for allowing me to share here.
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Wonderful piece Nancy, losing your mom is such a unique loss, and you did a wonderful job exploring this loss.
Lauren
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Nancy,
Your words are wonderful. My hearts and prayers to you all who are in the midst of grieving a parent.
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So well written, Nancy! I was 36 when my mom died, and like you “should” have seen it coming but wasn’t. I’m not sure it is something one can prepare for, in fact. She’s been gone 6 years and I still miss her every day. Thanks for sharing.
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Thanks again for all your comments everyone. I’m sorry for the losses and heartache so many of you have endured. Wishing you all peace, healing and fond memories.
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Stumbled accross this by accident but will share this with my partner 😉
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it’s really touch my feeling, nice post.
thumb up for Nancy
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