The hand that first held mine
This is the hand that first held mine. This is the hand that I now hold onto tightly as my mother lies dying. Holding her hand, I try to convey the depth of my love and gratitude to her for a lifetime of mothering. Her hand is warm, her heart beats strongly, but her breathing is labored and shallow, and I know the time is approaching soon when I can hold this beloved hand no more.
Nothing exists for me outside of this hospice room. The horizons of my world have shrunk to this small space and a longing to be with her all the time. It is so precious, almost unbearably so, to still be able to reach out and hold her hand as our time together slips inexorably away. I am trying to imprint her deep in my memory; sear her image onto my mind while I still can.
The candles flicker in the silently darkened room. Aunts and uncles come and go, bend over her sleeping form, stroke her hair, listen to her breathing, murmur prayers.
I feel as if I am falling into a huge hole – the hole in my life where my mother should be.
I can’t let go of her hand. How will I let go of her?
Thank you for your courage in writing about your mother’s death – it has been incredibly moving and honest.
LikeLike
Marie,
This beautiful posting brought tears to my eyes. The picture was so moving, too.
LikeLike
What a beautiful and very personal photo and message to share with us, Marie. I feel honored to be included in this way. I learned when my mom was dying that the sense of touch is indeed the most powerful. I spent hours holding her hand and rubbing her arm. Those are very precious memories to me. I know you will feel the same way. Hugs.
LikeLike
Marie
I’m very sad to learn that your mother is dying.
Having said a final goodbye to my own mother last December, I greatly empathise with you in what you’re going through at the moment.
While your Mum is no longer able to let you know, I’m sure it’s of great comfort to her to have you at her bedside.
Don’t forget, however… to look after yourself in all of this. If you get too exhausted, you won’t be of use to anyone so make sure you eat well and get enough sleep (I used sleeping pills) so that you are at your best when you are with your Mum.
I will always be thankful for the time I got to spend with my Mum in her final days.
As your picture above says… treasure every moment.
Steph x
LikeLike
Marie that is a beautiful image. It says it all. Peace to you and to mum.
LikeLike
Big love and huge hugs to you my sweet friend. xo
LikeLike
What a beautiful picture. My thoughts are with you.
LikeLike
“Always remember; my love for you is not conditional…. I love you because you are my lovely daughter, and nothing can ever change that.”
What she has said to you for a lifetime and is saying now to sustain you in the days ahead.
My thoughts are with you.
LikeLike
Loving prayers I send to you now, Marie, as you rest in your mother’s precious love and hold her hand. XOXO Jan
LikeLike
There is nothing more beautiful than holding a loved ones hand…prayers your way!
LikeLike
Hold tight and drink in every second. Sear it into your memory. Treasure it like nothing else. My love to you both. Thinking of you always.
Nancy (uvmer)
LikeLike
Thinking of you xx and that is such a lovely photograph
xxx
LikeLike
This made me cry – such a poignant and beautiful image. THIS is what life is all about x
LikeLike
She’s so blessed to have you at this time and always, Marie. XXOO-Michele
LikeLike
I agree with Renn above – sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words – thinking of you at this difficult, but precious time xxx
LikeLike
Such a lovely photograph Marie
Thinking of you at this hard time xxx
LikeLike
I lost my own mother a few months ago but have just come across this post now. It broke my heart to read it as I remember holding on tightly to my Mom’s hand and wondering how I would ever be able to let it go. I hope the pain eases for you with time. You must be very lonely without her.
LikeLike
I’m so glad you can share your sadness–and your Mum–with us. Many of us know the pain you are going through and hope you know you are not alone and we are all thinking and praying for you and your family and holding you all close in our hearts.
LikeLike
What a beautiful treasure. I’m so glad you’ll have this special keepsake during this most difficult time. Thinking of you today. xo
LikeLike
I’m thinking of you, Marie. You and your mother are blessed to share such a wonderful bond.
LikeLike
Marie,
Your pain is felt by all of us who love and admire you. I will continue to wrap you and your family in God’s protective light and love, knowing He will be there to welcome your mother.
Love,
Brenda
LikeLike
my heart and thoughts go out to you at this sad, sad time Marie xxx
LikeLike
This is one of the most achingly beautiful images and words I have seen on any blog this year – how brave of you to chronicle your mother’s death so eloquently.
LikeLike
Am so touched, Marie, to see this picture and hear you talk of your last words with your mom, knowing as I read this that those last few precious moments with your mom are gone now. I read your most recent posts before this one – the one where you had already lost her. Really packs a punch to read the play by play in the last hours. Like I said, I just went through this – my Dad died same day as your mom and I know how you cling to those last days, hours, minutes as you and they feel them slip away …. Wishing you comfort now.
LikeLike
I want to share a quote that helped me in the months after my mother died – I hope it will be of some comfort to you too
”You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly- that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp”. ~ Anne Lamott
LikeLike
Oh Marie, I can’t stop crying at this precious image. It is so poignant to be reading this after your mother has passed away and knowing how much you still miss her.
LikeLike
Such a poignant image and beautiful words of love
LikeLike
you’re post really touched me..
that picture must be really big treasure for you
LikeLike
I never knew it would be this hard to accept that my mother is really gone, especially when she had been so sick for so long with cancer. The moment she died my world crashed around me and it still hurts so much even now 3 years later
LikeLike
My mother died 6 months ago and it is still very raw and painful. She fought so hard to stay alive but the cancer eventually took her from us.
LikeLike
It makes no difference how many times you told your mother you loved her, that she was the most special person in your life, when she is gone, you realise it was never enough and you would give anything to be able to hold her hand and tell her one more time how much she means to you.
LikeLike
Pingback: The hand that first held mine « Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer
Marie, I just read this poem. It is so beautiful and heartfelt….I am sure that many will identify with it. I have often nursed mothers , fathers,daughters, sons in their final hours and I am always inspired by the strength of family members. Thank you for sharing this precious moment with usxxx
LikeLike
Simply beautiful…thank you, Marie.
LikeLike
beautiful, tender and simply full of love. I am crying x
LikeLike
Simply beautiful.
LikeLike
Thank you for all your support Norah
LikeLike
You truly have a way with words.
LikeLike
Thank you Rachel x
LikeLike
12 years ago I held my mothers hand in the very same way… even though I can no longer physically hold her hand, mentally I never let go… she walks with me each and every day… x
LikeLike
That’s a lovely comforting image Catherine – thanks x
LikeLike
extremely moving post. brought tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine what it must be like. I hope to have your strength when I have to face it. Thank you for sharing x
LikeLike
Thank you for your compassionate words – I truly appreciate them. Marie
LikeLike
Very moving and poignant- I lost my mum to Breast cancer too… We now have a cake business where we donate to Breakthrough as a tribute to my wonderful mum…we’ll never stop missing her but I think it helps a bit somehow…
LikeLike
that is a wonderful way to honour your Mum’s memory Jane..thanks for taking the time to comment x
LikeLike
I read your post a few months ago and started thinking about my dad’s hands. http://audioboo.fm/boos/978443-my-dad-s-hands
LikeLike
Thank you so much for sharing this.
LikeLike
Pingback: Day 17 #HAWMC Throwback Thursday | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer
Pingback: Nancy’s Summer Blogging Challenge | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer