In the midst of life…
In the midst of life, we are in death, and nowhere is that more true than in hospice. My mother was moved to hospice care yesterday and while it is wonderful that she is now in a place that can look after her as she needs in her final days, the reality of the situation has really hit home.
I guess a part of us believed while she was in hospital that she might still get better somehow, but now that tiny hope is gone. My mother is disappearing before our eyes; her body is shrunken beneath the bed sheets, her eyes are closed almost all the time now, her voice is silenced, and she is slowly fading away from us. I woke at 3 am this morning in a panic, thinking that I couldn’t remember what her voice sounds like anymore, or what the last thing she said to me was, and then the thought overwhelmed me that I will never hear her voice again.
Last week when she was awake one afternoon, her wedding ring slipped off her finger onto the sheet. I picked it up and went to put it back on her finger but she shook her head and closed her hand. I wondered what she was thinking as she watched me slip the ring that my father put on her 44 years ago onto my own finger. But I don’t know what she is thinking or feeling anymore. She is gone far away from us and it is only a matter of time before she disappears from us completely.
No words possible, just sending all my love and thinking of you xxxxxxx
LikeLike
Those are perfect words Philippa…gratefully received x
LikeLike
You are in my prayers Marie, as is your Mother.
LikeLike
I really appreciate your kindness Niamh
LikeLike
Thinking of you daily.
LikeLike
Thank you Cara
LikeLike
Marie, I woke up this morning thinking about you and wondering how you’re coping. Now I know. I am so very sad to read this post, and I hope it brings a small measure of comfort to know that I do know exactly how you feel. I remember so well the moment we knew we had no hope to hold onto and that this most terrible thing was really happening. Hospice is so final, and my heart breaks for you.
The image of you slipping your mum’s ring onto your finger is so powerful. My parents were married 42 years when my mom died, and as the only girl I hope my dad will pass her ring on to me at some point. It’s not nearly the same — not by a long shot — as having her here, but I’m so glad you have the ring and that it wasn’t lost in the bed sheets.
I too struggle to remember the sound of my mom’s voice and to remember what she looked like before she got sick. My hope for you is that the good memories outshine the bad. They will, it just takes time.
I truly wish there were words to send out over the blogosphere to heal your shattered heart, and if there were, I would send them, again and again. Please know that you are close to my heart as you endure this. Sending lots of love and strength across the ocean. xo
LikeLike
Oh Nancy, I am crying all over again reading your beautiful comment…thank you from the bottom of my heart for your genuine understanding and compassion xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
LikeLike
I’m so sorry Marie. I wish comfort and peace for your mom. Take care of yourself in the coming days.
LikeLike
I have no words, except to say how very sorry I am for your pain. Hugs and prayers to you.
LikeLike
Thank you to Debbie and Colleen too – I am so grateful to everyone for reaching out in such a warm and supportive way at this difficult time. I am gaining huge strength and comfort from your words.
LikeLike
I’m so sorry to hear of this turn of events, Marie. And I agree, what a powerful image of your mother’s wedding ring. Keep talking to your sweet Mum, she can still hear you, even though she seems farther away.
Something I discovered when I went through this process with my dad was how nourishing the rituals that surround death and mourning are. Partake in them, whatever they may be for your family and faith.
There is something deeply comforting in the knowledge that people have been performing these same rites of passage for the deceased for generations upon generations. There is a reason for it; as human beings, we need the companionship of our friends and neighbors during this difficult time. As a community, we grieve. The rituals, they are a great source of healing.
-Renn
LikeLike
Oh yes Renn, this is so very true and in ireland, particularly we had a lot of tradtions associated with death and dying, which sadly have died out in the main, but where we can, we should still partake as much as we can in the rituals that do remain. Thank you for your beautiful comment x
LikeLike
Bless you and your family, Marie. This part of the circle of life/death is crushing and devastating. Your writings reveal how much you and your Mom treasure each other. As i live so far away, i can only hold you in my heart, but know that you are loved.
My Mom has continued to be a daily presence in my life in these 12 years since her death. My sense is that you will maintain this form of bonding as well.
~ Tess
LikeLike
Tess, it is wonderful to read your comment, esp the last part. I am holding that thought close to my heart today as I visit with my Mom in hospice. I am so grateful for your kindness and compassion at this sad time x
LikeLike
Very sorry to hear all this Marie and it brings me back to the incredible sadness in relation to my experience with my own mother’s illness and final passing. Keep well. All the best, Sarah
LikeLike
It is good to hear from you again Sarah and thank you for your comment and sharing your own experience.
LikeLike
Marie,
I hope you know how much I am thinking of you. It breaks my heart to read this post. My memories of going through what you are now seem to be pouring back to me as I read your words. I remember watching my mom’s petite body slowly whither away before my very eyes. I remember the silence. I remember the feeling of panic in the middle of the night. I remember watching to see if she was still breathing. I remember all of it. I understand your pain. I know it’s really tough to see right now, but there is beauty in this time you are sharing at the end. Sometimes I think the memories I have of night’s I stayed with my mom at the very end are the most precious ones of all I have of her. Sending love…Nancy
LikeLike
I am crying reading your words Nancy – to know that so many of us share this common bond of love and grief and loss really helps me feel connected and less alone in all of this. thank you xxxx
LikeLike
Marie, this is so hard to read. You voice your thoughts so eloquently in the midst of grief. I am amazed by the prose of your sentiments. I am still praying for you and your family. My son called me Wednesday remembering that it was the seventh anniversary of my own mother’s death. I was overwhelmed that he remembered that date, especially because he had only visited her once (she was so far, on the East coast) while she was in hospice. Such loving but sad memories. Mums are so special. XOXO, Jan
LikeLike
Oh Jan, they are so very special indeed and thank you for your kind words and your continued support x
LikeLike
A Pretty Song
From the complications of loving you
I think there is no end or return.
No answer, no coming out of it.
Which is the only way to love, isn’t it?
This isn’t a playground, this is
earth, our heaven, for a while.
Therefore I have given precedence
to all my sudden, sullen, dark moods
that hold you in the center of my world.
And I say to my body: grow thinner still.
And I say to my fingers, type me a pretty song,
And I say to my heart: rave on.
by Mary Oliver
Marie, I found this poem on a site entitled journeythroughgrief.com. I have no words of mine own to express my sadness for your despair. I pray and send love and light and carry you and your family in my heart.
Love, Debbie
LikeLike
Oh my dear Debbie, this is just perfect..you know how much I love Mary Oliver and poetry touches my soul in a way that nothing else can right now. Thank you my dear friend..for everything xxx
LikeLike
Dear One, I’m so sorry for your pain. You’re in my prayers..your Mother, too. XXOO-Michele
LikeLike
I am so appreciative of your kindness Michele x
LikeLike
Your words are eloquent and take me back to when my mother died in hospice. The hospice people were so kind and gracious and comforted us greatly with their care and love. Mother died on Mother’s Day 1995, but I would still give an arm or a leg to spend just one more day with her. Even just an afternoon.
LikeLike
Oh Hjelmsd, this is exactly what I am thinking all the time – I just want one more day with her the way it used to be – I feel overwhelmed with the longing to go back in time to relieve one ordinary afternoon, drinking tea and talking with her. Thank you for sharing your own story with me – it helps to know I am not alone in feeling this.
LikeLike
Marie, there no words for nothing anyone can say will change what is happening here. I am so sorry you have this pain and loss. Sending endless hugs.
LikeLike
Endless hugs are good xxx
LikeLike
Thinking of you lots Marie xxxxx
LikeLike
thank you Lily x
LikeLike
Incredibly moving and evocative. Wishing you and your family peace and strength at this sad time.
LikeLike
Marie,
Words can’t express what my heart is feeling for you. I also watched my mom slip away before my very eyes. Yes you will remember her voice and the care she gave you. Although I have never met your mum, I see who she was in the woman you are. Your strength, beauty, kindness and tenacity came from somewhere…I am sure from your mum! I am praying for you my dear long distant friend. Double hugs and love from North Carolina.
LikeLike
The pain of these moments is heart rending…
Thinking of you my dear Mx
LikeLike
Dear Marie, this is such a poignant time for you, so full of heartache, and yet, something you would never shirk, never avoid either. I am heartbroken that you are losing your mom this way, but glad for you that you are able to be there through this remarkable, deeply personal, yet universal passage. When you look back on this time, you will be very grateful to have been there.
It is one of the hardest yet most amazing things in this life to bear witness to someone’s journey out of it.
Prayers and love.
LikeLike
Oh Marie,..i know, I just know. And I am so sorry and will keep you and your family in my prayers…
LikeLike
Marie, no words here from me either, there are none that would suit, but many many thoughts go out to you.
LikeLike
I have no words other than that I am here and I’ll keep holding that rope for you. Much love. T. xo
LikeLike
Pingback: My blogging year in review «