Did cancer affect your relationships?
Darren and Heather Clarke
Two things prompted today’s post. First your comments on the recent post how do you finish this sentence and secondly, your response to Darren Clarke’s emotional tribute to the wife he lost to breast cancer. The same theme recurred – the social and emotional impact of cancer and more specifically the impact it has on marriages and partnerships.
Having cancer put a huge emotional strain on my marriage and sadly it didn’t survive. I feel this is an aspect of cancer that is frequently overlooked and needs more support ~ Catherine
Men are often at a loss about what to say and do when their wife/partner is diagnosed with an illness. I see this very thing happening in my own family, as my father struggles to come to terms with my mother’s (non-cancer related) illness. He has been so used to a lifetime of her taking care of his every need that finding himself thrust into this new domestic and care-giving role has been a difficult adjustment for him. I am there to help as much as I can, but ultimately he is the one there for her 24/7.
I knew nothing of breast cancer until the day my lovely wife informed me that she was diagnosed with this terrible disease. I stood by her through the surgeries and cared for her at home during the recovery phase. But, I had no way of knowing what emotional impact she was going through, let alone my own emotional issues, and no way to find out. ~ Jay, spouse of a breast cancer survivor
Phil and Amy Mickelson
Illness doesn’t just impact the individual, it is a family affair and I believe that men in particular need to be helped to understand the physical and emotional needs of their female partners.
Bruce was more scared for me than I was for myself, although he didn’t share his fears with me until I became calmer and stronger ~ Jackie Fox, Dispatch From Second Base
Do we acknowledge sufficiently the stress that men are also under when their partners are ill? Again I see it with my own father who is stressed and worried about my mother. He tells me he is waking at 4 am, unable to get back to sleep. Psychologist Wendy G. Lichtenthal at Slone Kettering in New York believes that men may also “be stressed by factors such as intense caregiving and the risk of losing their partner.”
This cancer fight…this battle…this bullshit that you’re going through…well…it is hard on us (your partners) too… It’s cruel…and emasculating…It is that helplessness that messes with us…your partners…the ones who promised to take care of you ~ Andy Koehn who lost his wife, Laura, to breast cancer.
Our wedding day
If I was to complete the sentence having cancer.. I would say that having cancer brought my husband into my life – for one of the things that happened to me was that my now husband (then ex-partner) came back into my life (our relationship had broken up a year before my cancer diagnosis). He was a tower of strength to me during my treatment and when we married 4 years after my diagnosis, I knew that I was marrying the man who would stick with me for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for he had already proved that to me.
Having cancer reveals to us what kind of partner we have in our lives and sometimes that isn’t the person we thought it was. There is not doubt that cancer puts a huge strain on relationships and not all relationships survive the emotional impact.
Cancer is a huge burden on relationships, and even though mine survived – it was the most stressful year ever and we’re still licking our wounds. Both the patient and the carer need to be supported, and it’d be great if relationship counselling was provided ~ Catherine Brunelle
Did a diagnosis of cancer put a strain on your relationship? How did you both cope? Or did it bring you closer together as couple? Do you have any advice for couples who have been newly diagnosed? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
My marriage is now one of campanionship, and that is all. All the rest has gone.
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Did cancer put a strain on your relationship? In a word..yes! We were lucky because we had a wonderful counsellor who got us through it – I would really recommend that if you are struggling, please seek help.
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I was single at the time of my diagnosis and I envied those of you who had partners to help you through. It was tough to begin dating again after cancer with issues such as body image rearing its head. But then, I discovered that having cancer was a great way to weed out the dufus guys and find a genuine guy who loves me despite my wonky boobs, so yes, I agree that cancer really does reveal the true nature of a guy..or gal…
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Like Chelsea, I was single when I was going through cancer and when I started dating again, my self-esteem was through the floor, so, to my shame, I made some pretty bad choices in men. I felt like no man would want to date a girl with cancer. All of the self-esteem issues I struggled with my whole life rose to the surface and I seemed to become a beacon for dysfunctional relationships with guys.
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Cancer changes the way you relate to your family and friends, and the way they relate to you and I think this can be at the heart of strained relationships – that is why there needs to be lots of open dialogue and frank discussions, and if it all becomes too strained, by all means, go to professional counseling – it worked for my family.
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Dorothy you are so right! Communication is key. Lack of communication can lead to isolation, frustration, and unmet needs – I speak from personal experience, sadly.
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As a psycho-oncologist, I would agree with Dorothy and Angela, it is so important to keep open dialogue and talk about things. People with cancer who don’t talk about their illness often feel they are facing cancer alone.Talking about and sharing feelings lets couples, families, and friends work together in the best way to support the cancer patient.
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Thank you Ciara for adding your professional perspective to this discussion.
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For myself and my husband, Don, facing the challenge of cancer together definitely strengthened our relationship. Don said that the fear of losing me crystalized how important our relationship was and how much he loves me. My cancer made him re-evaluate his priorities and now he spends less time at work and more time at home.
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Cancer led me to my divorce, but to be fair, our marriage was in trouble before I was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer just made me realize that I didn’t want to spend whatever time i had left with a partner who had stopped loving and caring for me.
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Hi Mary
I can so relate to your comment as our 30+ year marriage has been ‘on the rocks’ for a very long time..so when I was first diagnosed with uterine cancer and then 8 months later, breast cancer, I knew it would be a battle I would be fighting alone on an emotional level. The only emotional response I received from him was a limp hug. There have been times when I have dropped my guard and become an emotional wreck in front of him but there was little to no response and he was always totally wrapped up in social media where he seems to take on a different persona.
I have wasted many precious years hoping our relationship would improve but now realize, as you have, that it is much more important to forge ahead and spend whatever precious time we have left doing what makes us happy and nurtures our love for living.
Thank you for your comment it has helped to open my eyes and mind.
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I am going through chemotherapy right now and I see that the biggest change in family life is how my role as wife and mom has been affected. I am frustrated and angry that I am not able to do what I always did and that my family are barely muddling through with the jobs I always did so well for them. Friends tell me I have to readjust my controlling perfectionism, but it is hard.
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The best advice I could give is never assume that your partner automatically knows what you need. Tell them what you need – men, especially, need direction. Frustrated Husband.
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The change in our sexual relationship was hard to deal with and I don’t just mean the sex. My wife completely withdrew from me at a time that I really wanted to be close to her and let her know how much I still loved her and desired her.
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I can understand how difficult this must be for you Thomas but please don’t let this stop you telling your wife how you are feeling and find ways to maintain intimacy through gentle touching, kissing, and physical closeness.
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Just want to say what a great discussion this is shaping up to be and how helpful I am finding it. Thanks everyone! newly diagnosed.
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Working together to figure out treatment options and to accomplish treatment goals can really strengthen a relationship. Involve your partner in your decisions and treatments as much as possible.When possible, attend doctors’ appointments together so you have shared information.
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It’s important to not let cancer completely dominate your relationship – talk about normal things too and your plans for the future – don’t give up on your dreams or hopes and take time to plan something wonderful together in the future.
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As a man, and as Andy says above in this post, my instinct was to fix my girlfriend, Amy’s cancer, so not being able to fix it made me feel very angry and frustrated and I had to work through these feelings, to be a better support to Amy, who just wanted my reassurance, love and validation, not for me to fix it, when of course that wasn’t possible.
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My advice is just be prepared – i mean just expect that it will change your relationships and don’t be taken by surprise that you will feel anger, fear, frustration, – these are all normal reactions to cancer. And talk about it when these emotions come up. Couples often don’t discuss these emotions for fear of upsetting the other partner or because they feel guilty for having negative thoughts. Hiding feelings creates distance between partners and prevents them from supporting and comforting each.
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An great post with some very insightful comments – thanks so much for posting it today – it was just what I needed to read.
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This is an incredible post, Marie. Cancer, or any serious illness, has a huge impact on relationships. If your relationships were shaky to begin with, it makes things really tough. I have seen the look of helplessness on my husband’s face more than a few times this past year. One of his most helpless expressions came the evening I told him I was losing my hair. He felt so badly because he knew how I felt and there was nothing he could do to “fix it.” Sometimes I do really wonder what he’s thinking and how he has coped through it all. Cancer affects all relationships. It just does. Some relationships will be strengthened, some will be weakened and some will be ended.
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Thanks so much for your comment Nancy – I think what I have learned the most from everyone’s comments is that the important thing is to keep the lines of communication open and also that it is hard for men who want to fix us and feel so helpless that they can’t
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Marie,
What a great topic! I loved reading this insightful and very relevant posting. Did cancer change my relationships. YES. My marriage was a bad one before diagnosis. And my then-husband offered very little support. After my last chemo treatment, after I started putting my life slowly back together, we got separated. I felt that life was too precious to continue to live in a miserable marriage.
Getting cancer and going toward a divorce in two years was a lot on my plate.
Some friends are no longer my friends, and some people whom I didn’t expect to help me were very supportive. Family members whom I thought I could rely on disappointed me.
But my greatest relationship has been with myself. Since cancer, I have a strength and determination and zest for life I never had before.
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“my greatest relationship has been with myself” – what a fantastic comment Beth! You are such an inspiration. I was aware of your story which I had read on your blog. How hard this must have been for you, I can’t even imagine, but your strength and resilience shines through and I am in awe of you lady!
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Thank you, Marie. Your blog is so important. I’m really glad your own cancer journey brought you and your husband closer too.
EmbodiWorks, an educational website with integrative cancer care resources, offers Social Tips for People with Cancer at http://www.embodiworks.org/cancertreatments/bodymindspirit/relationships/ explaining some challenges and potential solutions to improve relationships and feel stronger through the process. Another article for caregivers at http://www.embodiworks.org/cancertreatments/bodymindspirit/caregiving/ also provides good info.
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I count myself among the lucky that my husband and I grew closer through this terrible ordeal. We talk a lot and listen a lot and we cried a lot at the beginning. We each go to our own counselor and that is working for us. Someone very close to me is not having such luck, and their marriage is falling apart. It is one of the saddest things I have witnessed and I feel at a total loss as to how to help.
Deb
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I was dating my now-husband at the time. He’s a rescuer – fighter pilot and all that. That was fine while I needed to be rescued. But now that I am done treatment – he has no damsel in distress and he’s stopped making any effort to be romantic (outside of the bedroom that is). He says he thinks my scars are sexy, but I need romance too.
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Oh Lisa..how poignant. I am so sorry to hear this but there is great hope for you both – he stood by you when you were going through treatment, and he genuinely loves you – he just needs a little nudge in the romance department. I know my husband does!
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Marie, thanks for including an exerpt from my blog. I’m glad we were on the same wavelength this week! This was a great post, including all the great comments!
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Such an important, complex subject. I was frankly glad I was single when I went through this. I can’t imagine putting a partner through all that helplessness. I watch caregivers & spouses & family members struggle with these issues with my patients as they try to deal with all sorts of life-changing health problems, including cancer. I think one of the toughest things has to be seeing a relationship go down the tubes while you are already struggling with cancer. My heart has broken so many times hearing about what friends have gone through on this score. And on the other side, it’s a miracle of grace when the experience can bring you closer to someone. Pink Kitchen, I can relate to the ‘damsel-in-distress’ thing, too. And old boyfriend broke up with me years ago because I wasn’t a damsel in distress at the time, and he found someone who was, who turned out to be someone who used him. Now, he’s found me on FB & I’m suddenly interesting again because I’ve had cancer, the ultimate ‘damsel in distress’!! The reverse of a ‘fair-weather friend!’ You just never know…
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Kathi, thanks for replying to @pinkkitchen and for sharing your wise perspective with us – relationships and human nature are so complex!
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Marie, this is wonderful post. You’ve shed light on a subject that is almost taboo in my house. My husband carries a great load and won’t talk about it because he doesn’t want to me to feel bad or sad for him. I often wish he had the same level of support I have, but even if it were available, he’s just not the sort of person to talk about such personal issues. It’s hard. We don’t want to make each other feel worse, but then we end up not talking about it. I’m tempted to let him read your post, just to see he’s not alone. Thanks for this.
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Oh please do have him read this post Stacey – I often feel sorry for my own husband, who has no one he would talk to about our struggles- while cancer isn’t the main struggle now that our fertility struggles have taken center stage – he still feels he has to be my rock and carries the burden of my grief and pain, without anyone he can offload his on.
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Did it affect my relationship Oh yes.. Being a man he put blinkers on… His words were but Sarah is dealing with it… Our relationship is more like flatmates rather than soul mates.. currently..
But I have a secret weapon.. thankfully my father in law is my husbands reasoning.. Their relationship is really close…
When going through any illness all the attention is focused on the patient not the partnership. As my Onc said she is my oncologist not my therapist.. We as the patients become the translators as well as everything else. The strain or the responsiblity then starts to pull at loosened seams within the relationship that are already there.
The strength in a relationship is in communication and down time. Whether it be a walk in the park or a icecream it is all about balance and not neglect on either side..
My father in law lost his wife to Breast Cancer in 1973.. he said to me today.. ‘Remember Sarah always stand side by side.. never behind or in front with your back turned.. you are my sons equal.’ I think what he ment was to get through any turbulence you both have to weather it….
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Sarah, thanks for this great comment and I am glad you have such a wise and caring father in law.
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Marie, what a great post! Truly cancer does change the dynamics of the husband and wife relationship. My husband coped better the first time, when I only had a lumpectomy. The double mastectomy was really hard for him, but he did come to each of my chemo appointments. I don’t think our relationship is what it once was. My advice? Share as many feelings as you can with your partner. I know men don’t like to communicate the way women do, but it’s important that you open and keep up a dialog so that resentful feelings don’t turn into bitterness and regret over time. Better to nip it in the bud early on than let it fester.
Thanks for sharing.
Jan
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My cancer is terminal and with the threat of death, it has forced my wife and I to deal with things in our relationship we had been putting off for years. Knowing that we couldn’t assume that we had years left in which we could sort things out, we wanted to put things to rights straight away. I wanted to feel free to die without guilt about my shortcomings as a husband and Jill, my wife, doesn’t want to be left with any recriminations in her mind about what she might have done differently in our marriage. It certainly brought us closely together and when the time comes for me to leave this life, I shall be doing it with no guilty feelings.
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It has been a year since the last post – but hopefully someone will see mine. My situation is different as my boyfriend has cancer. The strain on our fairy tale love life is tremendous. I can’t talk to him about my emotions and I feel I am betraying him by talking to others. I am in such a strange emotional place. When I was a child I lost a little brother to cancer. Even though there are cancer survivors in my family, I associate death with cancer. I met my boyfriend a year after the death of my mother. He filled the void I had from her loss. Now I am mourning the loss of my emotional best friend. He is still alive – but the relationship we had and the pre-cancer person is gone. I am so lost – and lonely. It is difficult to have this new angry person in my life who tells me that I am making his cancer “all about me” when I try to talk to him about my emotions. I hope our relationship survives. He has asked me to wait and to continue loving him – but my heart is shattered . . . I truly am a lost soul . . .
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Johanna,
Did you end up making your relationship work? I also had a boyfriend with cancer. We had a relationship that was off and on for years. A month before he was diagnosed, we got together again. I stayed with him for a year of pain, agony and tears only to be rejected in the end. I have realized that cancer doesn’t change people who don’t want to change. We shared love and laughter and tears together during the cancer and yet he couldn’t commit to me. I wonder how many other women have experience the same kind of relationship.
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I was recently told i have breast cancer, only to be told 7 weeks later that they made a mistake and that I am fine, so i feel less than worthy to write a comment here, although the thing is my false cancer diagnosis has deeply effected and changed most of the relationships in my life. I found that many in my family who live very close literally worked at shutting me out. I went to having a full life of people and community to almost nobody. I found myself the day before the lumpectomy wondering how i would drive myself, and four weeks after my results my family who lives next door have not asked the outcome. My best friend also did not call for weeks after i told her the diagnosis……. on the other-hand my ex stepped up and was most understanding and helpful. I am so grateful that I did not at the end of the day have cancer yet the shock and mind-space i went into for those weeks seems to have changed me. I question life now and do not feel so confident in what i thought mattered. I feel low and confused about what i am suppose to feel….. nothing is the same, yet in a way nothing has happened because it was never real. I do feel devastated and confused and lost and angry….. people seem very equipped to offer their perception on how i must be feeling,this perception often comes with an unconscious communication of expectation and control “oh you must feel so happy, …. etc” yet it seems that the skill of asking and listening is rare.
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Johanna, I feel for you, such a burden of responsibility. your history of loss seems to also be impacting on your relationship with loving your partner and feelings you are going through….. I hope you are o.k ❤
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Dating a man who lost his exgirl frield to breast cancer. It is putting a big strs in on our relationship he is to spread her ashing when riding motorcycle on a ride in her memory..He doesnt want me along and has pulled away from me I hardly hear from him.. I dont know what to do….So lost
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my ex Brad and I broke up. I felt lost, confused and devastated and all I knew is I had to have Brad back. A piece of me was missing without him. After doing some research I found out about drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com“: The ONLY Way to Get Him Back & Create the Life Together You KNOW is Meant to be!. and I’m pleased to tell you IT WORKED!! Today, Brad and I are back together and we are more happy than ever. Our life together is everything I ever dreamed about as we are now engaged to be married in Las Vegas next year. I can’t even imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t get Brad back. Recover My Lover was worth every penny and I highly recommend it to anyone out there looking to get an ex back in their life.” email;drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com
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I just finished my treatments and everything is starting to feel normal as far as my body is concerned. Im still mostly bald though and my skin is still burned from the radiation treatments. My concern is that my partner does not seem to be interested in being intimate — have tried to subtly initiate things but he doesnt seem to pick up. Should I just go ahead and talk to him about it?
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My concern is that my partner does not seem to interested in being intimate with me. Have tried to subtly initiate things but he is not picking up. Have finished my treatments but i am of course still bald and skin is burned because of radiation treatments. My self-esteem is of course not at its best right now so his reaction is really disturbing. Should I just go ahead and directly ask him about it?
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My story is very different than the others over here who have shared their stories. I’m a 17 year old male who has been diagnosed with non Hodgkin anaplastic large cell lymphoma cancer. I’ve been dealing with alot emotionally.. Besides my family issues and the fact that I realized the friends I thought would be there for me weren’t. (Don’t get me wrong my family and my true friends are very supportive) I still have this on going concern of my school life.. I’m going to have to stay back a year and watch all my friends graduate before I do.. I’m a hard working IB student in high school.. Getting ahead and graduating early was my plan from the beginning.. And not being able to achieve this is quite heartbreaking, then there’s my body image. I’m a successful track runner, body builder and overall a really athletic guy. And now watching all my muscle turn into fat or get smaller for me is very traumatizing.. I also care alot about my appearance, I’m single and don’t feel like being in a relationship at this point in time but now that I see I don’t have someone there I feel as if I’ll never have someone because of having cancer.. I feel like who would want a guy with cancer? And even if, I feel girls would really just feel sorry for me.. If I ever mention cancer I just feel as if I’m paying the guilt card.. I’m still battling cancer right now and luckily my chances look really good, but I worry about my future.
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I am so grateful to you for taking the time to leave this comment. I believe it is so important that we share our stories,. especially those that do not conform to the norm that we expect. It is tough enough to deal with young adult issues at your age, let alone deal with a cancer diagnosis. Have you come across the Stupid Cancer website and support group? They are specifically aimed at young adults with cancer. If you haven’t already done so then do look them up. I hope you will find support and understanding there for others who are going through the same thing. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Trust that you will emerge stronger from this experience.
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I don’t know where to start. Reading everyone’s story has been very helpful and inspired me to share. I am a 32 yr old young lady with no children whose been newly diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. My diagnoses came from a cysts that had to be removed from my left ovary. The cysts was extremely abnormal therefore my left ovary, left Fallopian tube, and appendix was taken out. I am in a relationship with my bestfriend. He and I been friends for over a year before we started dating. Our communication was very transparent and we spent a lot of time together. Since all my health issues and he has some life changing issues going on with him as well our relationship has been very strained. I try to keep communication open with him but I feel like he’s stonewalling me. I feel as though he thinks my cancer is not a big deal. He’s not around as much as before, we don’t talk on the phone, we barely text. The distance is growing and growing and I don’t know what to do. I feel alone although I have family and friends that are supporting through this, the one I love is not providing me with the emotional support I need. Sometimes I just want a hug cause I’m scared. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to ok. I’m just not getting anything. I don’t know if it’s because he’s scared, doesn’t know how to handle my cancer, or just doesn’t love me anymore. I’m trying to reach out to make things better but between being out of work, multiple doctors appointments a week, and worrying about my relationship it’s emotionally draining. I don’t know what to do.
Frightened & Scared
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Oh Summer, I can feel your fear, confusion and sadness in your comment. Thank you for sharing so honestly. If it’s ok with you I can share this via the Facebook group as this is an old post people may not see your comment. I would like for others to see if they can help you with advice. Please let me know if it is ok to share via Facebook https://www.facebook.com/beyondbreastcancer
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My husband became distant and “strange.” He said he was trying to maintain an upbeat mood and stay brave for me. I wound up thinking he was having an affair. I still am not sure.
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Cancer bring stress to the relationship??? YES
Our relationship was already having difficulties due to a complete hysterectomy before the breast cancer diagnosis, so all it did was make matters worse. Husband had an affair, when he got caught said he would never do it again, didn’t want to hurt me. We used to be best friends, but I don’t think that is the case anymore. Sexual intercourse has become nearly impossible for me, there is so much pain & the tissue is so thin & frail. Add to that the poor body image (not that it was that great to begin with, but at least my boobs weren’t deformed before) and it is a recipe for disaster.
After several years in marriage counselling he is ready to call it quits. Recently he told me that he cannot stay married to me if I am unable to have pain free intercourse. He MUST have penetration, but doesn’t want to feel like he is raping me. So now it looks like I have 2 failed marriages, failed as a woman (never able to become pregnant), failed as a wife, failed as a sexual partner. I haven’t worked for over 4 years, have been battling depression most of my life and am over 50. I have no idea what I’m gonna do.
Then the icing on the cake? He wants to remain friends & do things together!!! Really??? Why not just twist the knife a little more?
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After 22+years together sadly,my husband views me as “damaged goods” now since being diagnosed last Jan.with breast cancer,undergoing a double mastectomy,chemo,and now the hormonal therapy.I’m honestly not sure (@present anyway) which exactly has/is…hurts me most! the cancer or my husbands rejection,non support,etc…when I need him the most!.I pray this gets easier as I’m honestly not sure how much more I can take!
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Oh Ashley I am so sorry that you are going through such pain. Is there a cancer support center you could visit and speak with a counsellor trained in cancer related issues?
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My boyfriend has been through colon cancer and now multiple myeloma. I wanted to end our relationship before he even got sick more than a year ago but I stuck around hoping “he would change,” be less sarcastic, more romantic, more aware of my likes and dislikes. We never lived together and he always made it clear he wanted nothing serious with me. I made a mistake due to my insecurities to remain his girlfriend, it’s been impossible to state to him all that was bothering me in our relationship including his desire to double date with his ex-girlfriend. I stuck around when he got sick and have been there for him because his family does not help. A few months ago we discussed how I needed just to be friends and stop thinking of us as a couple. I have found the need to go back to work to support my daughter and grandson who moved in with me. I keep in touch with him mostly by phone and I see him and help with food, he still thinks we’re a couple and puts a lot of pressure on me by making sarcastic comments that I have to work, etc. Today I reminded him that we had agreed to be friends and he got upset and doesn’t want me around anymore. I feel bad for him but also feel used. My advice to anyone is to make sure you’re with the person that makes you happy before they or you get sick and then find out how hard it is to add a disease to an already bad relationship.
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Sofy, thank you for generously sharing your experience as a person on the other side of cancer. Your story is not unusual and it serves as a sobering lesson for many. I hope things work out for you. Thank you again.
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Thank you for your kind reply.
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As a matter of fact yes… Cancer has affected my relationship.. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we had our split in early 2014. I don’t really know if I could call it a good or bad experience for me because I broke up with him for the better I suppose… After I started having symptoms and checked with my doctor I found out I had breast cancer. I informed him 2 weeks after and he broke down in tears, He is a great man who loves and cares for me and tells me how he loves me to “infinity and beyond”.. Haha. He would do anything for me and I loved him so much that it affects me too, and the knowledge of me having this illness was heartbreaking for the both of us, He promised to go through cancer with me and also the support from my family but my family was really short on money and we really didn’t have anyone to turn to, His family never really cared for us, and so I told him “I have to go”. I decided it was for the best because I didn’t want him to end up with nobody in life and I just wanted him to be happy with someone else. I am still fighting through it and I try to keep myself strong. I just hope the best of luck for him with his new girlfriend. I sent him one last letter about how many good experiences I had with him and hoping he would always be happy so if I die or not.. I will always have something to remember and would always be in my heart. This isn’t the biggest regret in my life because I can see how much happy he is. I just wanted to share my story and hope that my story influence others in life who is suffering from cancer and how it affects their relationship. Wish you all the best :).
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I had breast cancer, opted for the double mastectomy with immediate breast reconstruction. Did the radiation treatments and am now in hormonal treatments. My husband was wonderful support, but…there is no intimacy what so ever. He hasn’t “touched” me that way since before the operation, while we had a very active sex life before the treatment, i feel he does not see me as a woman anymore, he bluntly told me when he looks at me, all he can see is the what the drs did to me. This is the only strain we have and still have. I don’t know what to do, but today I told him if he can’t see a problem, then its only going to get worse. I agree with the other posters, life is too short to be with someone who cannot see you as a woman anymore.
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Yes. Cancer fucked up multiple relationships from friendships to people I’d known for years, to my relationship with my husband. Our marriage was okay before diagnosis, our sex life was great. Then I was diagnosed and had a bilateral mastectomy. All the way through a year of chemo, our intimacy was non-existent because I was so ill. The entire time, he kept saying he didn’t marry me because I had breasts and he still loved me, regardless of what I looked like, etc. And yet, several years past the chemo and surgery, he still doesn’t touch me. I hate how I look, I feel supremely inadequate about how I look, the fact that he doesn’t touch me, and I’ve attempted to express politely that he obviously does feel there’s too much difference for him to be intimate with me. Believe me, I have attempted to initiate, it’s not always all on him. He just doesn’t care any longer and I figured that out after the last time I tried to politely discuss this topic with him. He said he didn’t think I was interested. He still doesn’t touch me. I hate cancer and everything it’s ripped away from me, I now hate because it does nothing more than serve as a reminder how inadequate I am now.
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Regretably, the replies I have read clearly indicate I am not the only cancer sufferer to experience abandonment, and feelings of inadequacy.
My diagnosis of a extremely rare carcinoma last September whilst devastating, pales into insignificance when reflecting upon my wife walking out after 22 years of what I thought to be a most loving marriage.
Yes, my wife stuck through some incredibly tough operations. Unfortunately, she could not take any more and left 6 days prior to my commencement of 7 weeks of daily radiotherapy treatment.
My crime, acquiring a most hideous disease which I did not apply for, and still battle to comprehend!
My feelings of abandonment, and comparison to a loving family pet that has been discarded at a Animal Shelter due to illness and being past my use by date, constantly echo through my mind. My wife advising she no longer wished to be recorded as ‘my next of kin’, was somewhat difficult to accept, however, accept I did!
I have faults as does I am sure everyone. Heartbreakingly, my wife has elected to blame every issue known to man kind (all my fault), to cause the failure of our marriage. Whilst I provided a copious amount of reading material regarding treatment and living with cancer, never once did she elect to read. As for seeking support from trained counsellors, clearly this did not occur!
My self worth is all but destroyed, and the shame and emabbaresment I have faced is nothing short of horrific. My family, close friends and business colleagues (those whom I have found the courage to advise), have been most loving and supportive.
Unfortunately, no one can understand how a fellow human, let alone partner can simply walk out on their husband at the most difficult point in their life, not to mention abandoning everything we had worked so hard to achieve?
Whilst children are not involved, I do however retain the two most adorable pet Beagles. The saying ‘a dogs love is unconditional’ is so true, and fortunately for me demonstrated on a continual basis.
My prognosis could be better, I am determined not to let this most heinous disease beat me. Whilst I can accept my condition and the cards I have bee dealt, all I ask for is happiness. Unfortunately, this simple want eludes me, and I am at the stage of being beyond knowing what to do.
Yes, there are many times where I have wanted to give up, but truly believe ‘whatever occurs, occurs for a reason, although I may not understand what that reason is’.
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i want to post a comment on i need counselling in my marriage its going astray 2015 blogspot.com
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In the same boat…and I am left angry and wondering wtf….pushed me away….wanted our friendship but then not wanting it….” I want to move on with you..me being sick is going to be extremely hard” he said…so in other words a nice way to end the relationship…I did take it personally cause this is not my first rodeo with cancer…would have liked to be there for him…but he is the one going thru all of this and well I will stand in the shadows get on with life and who know’s maybe one day I will hear from him again…..Just wish him all the love and happiness in the world…..
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Oh Cheryl, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. My own sister had a similar experience, but then it turned out he was lying about cancer in the first place!
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Fucking cancer! I had, or have, I don’t know anymore, a new girlfriend. Things were going awesome. I’ve never felt that happy with anyone before. We clicked, She was funny, fun, and beautiful. I’ve never felt like I was meant to be with anyone before, but this time I had that. She told me much of the same. Well, go figure…. our lives were both going pretty well, and bam. She just got cancer.Now, she won’t even talk to me. I know she needs time to process it, but I’m afraid she’s never going to get out of her own head, and worried that we’ll never talk again now. I’m also worried she could die.
WTF! i’m so angry right now and aggravated. I feel like my soul just got ripped right out. I kind of wish a bus would just run me over. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel okay again. There certainly is no god, this proves it to me. She doesn’t deserve this fucking shit..no one does. There is nothing I can do about this to make it right, and i’m used to being able to fix things.
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My passion for love and life has made me to take to the internet to
warn internet users particularly those in search of solution to their
problems to beware of and avoid comments about spell caster that can
use their magical power in helping you out with your problems. i don’t
want anyone to be fooled because i was a victim of this fraudsters
who claimed to be spell casters. i am jennifer mills and i was having
a difficult time in my relationship as i couldn’t give birth to a
child. Although my husband loved me very much as it were,we kept on
hoping and for 6years there weren’t any sign of breakthrough .As days
goes by,i will always weep because at that time i was really down.
Even though my husband tried to always be by my side,only time would
tell as he couldn’t cope with pressure from friends and had to leave
me for another lady. i was now left to face my problem alone even
though my mom would always talk to me and console me on phone. Things
went from bad to worse when i was sacked from the private organization
i was working because been happily married was a criteria that was
needed and that i was now lacking owing to my barrenness that made my
husband leave me for another lady leaving me single. I kept on
searching and hoping i would find a solution to my problem but there
wasn’t any coming. I contacted lots of spell caster as i saw them on
the internet but all were scams as they demanded money from me
frequently and nothing happened. i had to relocate from Texas city
United state to Jamaica where my mom was residing and also because i
became racially abused because of my color .I spent 4 months with my
mom and together we kept on looking for solution,still to no avail.
There came a faithful day when i met my high school mate who knew i
was happily married and living in Texas city United state with my
husband and had to ask why i flew back to Jamaica. I explained my
problem to her and with sincere desire in wanting my problems solved
she led me to DR JAMIN ABAYOMI. Although i was doubtful but soon as i
explained my problem to him,he laughed and gave me a maximum of
72hours for my husband to come back and for me to become pregnant. I
did all i was asked to do which included me traveling back to Texas
city United state. I traveled back to Texas city united state,on my
arrival during the early hours of the morning,my phone rang and guess
who?it was my husband who called asking for my forgiveness and saying
he was coming back home. He came few hours later and on his knees he
pleaded for forgiveness. Although it was a tough decision for me to
make because of all the pains i have been through. I love him and
needed him back so i had no option but to forgive him. we sat together
and while i was resting my head on his chest we had romantic
conversation and talked about things that we have never spoken about
and like husband and wife the urge came to have sex and we had sex for
a very long time that day. The next day which was still within the
72hours given by DOCTOR JAMIN ABAYOMI i felt something different in my
body and immediately i went for a check up and to my greatest
surprise,i was pregnant. How possible could this be but it happened
and am very thankful also my skin color that made me racially abused
was changed to the preferred and know we are now happily married again
and no racially discrimination. All thanks to DR JAMIN ABAYOMI for his
solution.
ARE YOU FACED WITH SIMILAR PROBLEM OR ANY KIND OF PROBLEM.PLEASE KNOW
THAT DR JAMIN ABAYOMI isn’t on the internet so kindly contact him via
EMAIL:drjaminremedy@outlook.com
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I have recently been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I feel like my boyfriend is using this to try and control me..I haven’t started chemo yet its next week but I feel fine and totally able to go out and do normal usual things I would do, he seems to disagree and it feels like he wants me to sit at home sobbing alll day. We have a 2 year old too which I’m worried about as I think he won’t be able to cope looking after 2 of us
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Hi Kat
Being diagnosed with cancer is stressful enough, but then when you add relationship and family stress into the mix, it really is difficult. If you have a local cancer support centre, please see if they have any family or counselling or support services which could help you all at this difficult time. Good luck!
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My boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer. We are both 23 years old and we’ve been together for 5 years. We both live with our parents and going to college. Cancer has strained our relationship and I know that it’s not about me but it does effect me. His mother and myself have dedicated in taking care of him and supporting him. I just feel in an odd way that he’s not boyfriend anymore, just my friend I met years ago. I no longer feel attractive to him anymore. It hurts me to not be able to kiss him because I’m prohibited, I feel I’ve distanced myself and closed my emotions because I don’t want to burden my selfish feelings on him.
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Samantha, thanks for sharing so honestly here with us. It’s such a difficult time for you all. Sending good thoughts your way.
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My fiancée has been struggling with NHL for about three years, and now that he’s finally got a clear pet scan (although bone marrow transfusion is ahead) he’s decided to completely sever my from his life. I adore this man, but he has no more ability to share life with another. He wants no responsibility, and no one to have to “report to”. He has brusquely cut off all contact. He is presenting to the world that he is happy, and now wants to live his life. Has anyone out there seen the cancer patient submarine a good and strong relationship? Is it normal for them to just check out?
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Hi Amy, I am so sorry that you are going through this painful experience. I can’t answer your question because everyone is different and how they react is different too. It is sad that you have been jettisoned so abruptly. I hope you find resolution and support at this time
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was just trying to see if this has happened before or is a normal response since we aren’t married. I read about spouses and partners who can’t handle the illness, but haven’t seen anything on the reaction of the patient. Thx.
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i have a girlfriend that has cancer. we have been dating for about a month. i love this women. once she found that the cancer is active she stop talking to me and doesn’t want to see me anymore. every time that i try to get ahold of her she flips out on me saying i am pestering her. i just dont know what to do. i want to be there for her but she wont let me. she says she needs her space to cope with this. i think she is going to leave me because of this and it breaks my heart not to be there for her. please can any one help me.
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Brian, this is such a difficult time for you both. I know it’s hard when you want to be close to your girlfriend and provide her with support, but it sounds as if she needs some space right now. Just let her know that you are there for her, but let her set the pace for now. I hope it all works out for you both.
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thank you for your reply. it is driving me insane not being there for here.
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My boyfriend was diagnosed with a rare type of lymphoma about a year ago and is now just starting treatment. We have been together for almost 4 years and have a 2 year old son. Since we’ve been together i honestly have felt more of a caregiver to him than his mother had been. There would never be food at his house and no one is ever home. Well since he started treatment his mother wants to be there for everything, even cleaned up his room and wants to order his food for him at the hospital and checks up on him. Im not able to be there due to im taking care of our son 24/7. It just irritates me that she turns around now that he has cancer to be a mom. She even wants to take more time off of work to take care of him. I just fell like she doesnt need to be there all the time.. she barley had been the past several years anyways.
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Hi Selena, I can certainly understand your frustration! Families are very strange at the best of times. I do hope your boyfriend makes a full recovery and that life can get back to normal for you soon.
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Hi there, i am a bit shocked and sad to see that there is this many people suffering similar things as i currently am….. althought my story is a bit different and kind of opposite, i remain lost, confuse, hurted…..maybe not many will read and post or have any advice for me, but i take it has a chance because i will be honest, i cannot see the light at the end….. so here goes…… i am a 29 years old man, engaged to the most awesome woman i have ever had the possibility to meet in my life…..i am canadian and she lives way of in the philippines but we have been able easily to maintain our relationship with lots of trust and love and communications…….yeah the distance has always been hard on us but nonetheless we knew it would be temporally……she is the only woman i have ever been able to get out of my sheelll and to propose to her…because i always thought and still do that she is the one……we have 3 total children but none toguether yet…..she has 2 of her own with no exterior suport from the dad, and i have one of my own…..nonetheless to say that her kids are like my own, they call me dad and they are a big part of my life as well as she is…im very family oriented wich makes all this problem and pain even worst…..about 2 months ago i cameback home to canada temporally for work and the day before my return, my fiancee mom has been diagnose with stage 3 cancer…..im assuming ovarian of general because they found out when they pulled out the ovaries. the cysts and the uterus……that being said she is the only child , so her mom is all she has with her kids……for the first month after my return we manage to stay toguether and keep making our relationship work properly……until a faithful day july 1st……where she decided to break up with me due to the fact that she is very confuse, stressed lost and she wants to focus on her mom and kids and nothing else as it is enuf stressed as it is…..we were suppposed to be married before i cambeack but due to some situation money wise we cudnt achieve that ….she feels as we fight too much and are too different etc…..she left for 4 days where i did not hear from her at all until the 5th day…..she cameback saying she loves me and misses me….i said to her but u broke up with me……she said yeah i know but its more like a break than a broken up…..im not going anywhere i love you…i just need time but once im ready theres no one else but you that i would want to be with…..she sees now marriage as a responsability and she doesnt want more than she has for now….for 3 days we talked like when we were toguether….loves laugh…happyness….then she dispeared again for a while…..then called me suddenly in the middle of the night to talk for 3 min, as she was in a rush to hang up, assuming here she was probably uncomfortable to much for her to hear the voice…..then we texted all night till she slept….that being said no one calls regular friend that lives across the world….thats my opinion u just email them not call…anyway then she disapeared again until she found out i was injured this week…..ask 500 questions about how i was etc until she felt like i was ok then she stop talking….then next morning said good morning, few text then disapeared again….i am so very confuse…..i know this is about cancer and not relationship…..but since her mom got diagnosed my relationship has took a turn unexpected….she is changing, doing things she knows hurt me and or upset me and showing it….she has been wearing her ring up to recently……wearing my clothes……and has never took our status as engage of fb….and no one knows whats going on….not her mom not her family, everyone thinks were ok…..i love my fiancee and our kids more than anything…. i love her mom, i worry about her too, it affects me as well…..i wanna be there for them, for her…..but she is pushing me away…..rather than being me pulling away like i read here, its the opposite….shes pushing me away, secluding herself…not talking to no one about whats happening…not making or showing defenetive answers…..im trying to help her, support her moraly, emotionnaly, finacialy since over there there is health care and all hospitaliztion cost comes from ur pocket including chemo….but she is pushing me away…keeping me at bay….making me confuse with her doing what shes doing….my own mom has cancer and many that i own dear, i lost many to it too already…..but i would never push away someone whose close to me like a spouse…..i need that person to be by my side thru these challenges, but somehow she choose to make the road alone… i am lost, in thoughts in impossible feelings, and unable to move on or come to term with myself….most say move on and walk away…others says wait and see…. but she is changing and i have no idea what to do to help her, i do not text her unless she text me but even then i dunno what to say….all i know is that i love her with all my heart and want to be there for her, ifonly she would let me….. sorry for writing a book…..and thank you for reading and commenting advices if have any….i feel alone and lost…..thank you Sam
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Hi Sam, thank you so much for trusting us with your story. It sounds like you are going through a very painful and confusing time. I hope things resolve themselves soon for you. Take care of yourself.
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Hey , me and my boyfriend been together like 6 months we are really close I love him to bits and he loves me . He was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer few weeks ago . He became so cold and never wanted to see me and hardly spoke to me . Then I saw him few days ago I was begging him to see me so he did , he didn’t touch me or kiss me nothing we barely talked . I was crying so much and he cudnt even look at me . Today we broke up he said he is really sorry but we have to face the facts that we can’t be together he wants to be alone and he says he can’t have a gf Cuz of his religion his a muslim and now he wants to be good and I was a sin for him Cuz I was his girl and he cudnt have a gf , he is my first love and I love him so bad , it hurts so much I just want to be with him and help him get trough this , I tell him how much I love him and I’ll always be here by his side no matter what but feels like his not listening help please
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My girlfriend of four and a half years just broke up with me. For the last two years she’s been battling stage IV ovarian cancer.
After each round of treatment, her cancer seems to start growing again.
My girlfriend said during the two years we were in this fight together, I did nothing wrong and everything right. Yet, she broke up with me, telling me she loves me very very much, but she can’t give time to a relationship while her cancer battle is her priority.
I totally understand that I guess, asoects if our relationship have already been on hold since the diagnosis, but what I don’t understand, is why she no longer even wants to have any contact… at all. Not even as friends.
During her cancer fight she’s told me many times that my loving energy has really helped heal her.
Again, she said that I was an awesome partner during these last two years she’s been fighting cancer, that I did everything right and nothing wrong at all. That I was a perfect partner.
I wonder if this is an act of kindness on her part? Is she trying to spare me anymore pain in this journey of hers?
If I was so perfect in my support of her, why am I now completely out of the loop, no longer privy to how her cancer is going?
None of her friends or family members will talk to me. It feels like I must done I’ve done something horrible to be cut out so completely.
If it was my choice, I would’ve never left her side.
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Naturally, I’ll honor her wishes. I love her so much, but I want to be there for her.
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You should have proposed then.
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My partner has chronic myleoid leukemia. It is under control but he is always tired and angry. He has never told me what he wants or needs from me. I have asked him, have made countless attempts to start a dialogue but all he says is what he needs is to take care of himself, and that means getting sleep, exercise and enough to eat, nothing more. How do i fit in this? He is often angry at me for not knowing what he needs, for not anticipating his needs but he never says what bis needs are. I am so tired and sad and lonely and angry. I dont know what to do. My only solution is to leave bc there is no communication but i just would like to know if anyone has gone through this and what i can do.
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I am astonished how many similar stories there are out there. I came on here to find an answer as to whether what I/we are going through is “normal”. What’s normal anymore? I don’t know at the minute!
18 months ago my beautiful wife of 7 years found a lump on her breast, it was at this time (presumably because of stress and worry) that she stopped sleeping with me, prior to this our sex life was fantastic! The lump was diagnosed as stage 1 breast cancer, it was removed however another has appeared. Outside of the bedroom everything is… Ok. We still hug, kiss(ish), hold hands and laugh together, however she does not want me in the same bed as her anymore. I am finding this so hard as all I want to do is hold her in my arms, tell her I love her and fall asleep with her. I think she may have it in her head that I will “try it on” if she does let me in. Every time I try to talk to her and reason with her she shouts and tells me that I am just trying trying to pressure her, perhaps I am, but I don’t mean to be. I don’t want this to be the end of “us”, she is my life and nothing makes sense without her.
So to you ladies that have been through something similar – is this ‘normal’ and does it get better?
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Hi Bill, I am so sorry to hear about your wife’s diagnosis and the effect it is having on you both. Every relationship is different – there is unfortunately no such thing as “normal” – we all experience cancer and the aftermath uniquely. I have found the following resources helpful
http://www.lbbc.org/learn/side-effects/sexual-side-effects
I hope things resolve for you. You sound like a very loving husband.
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I just started dating a beautiful woman was has leukemia, she has survived breast cancer and is now scheduled to start chemo this week for CLL. She told me about her condition on our first meeting then told me how her husband left her as soon as he found out. She has such a sweet personality and more courage than most people. She could go into remission with a new drug called IBRUTINIB or she could get worse. The fact is I don’t really know what will happen and neither does she. She is such a remarkable person I know she must be afraid but you would never know it to see her smile and laugh. We have seen each other almost every day for the past 2 months I know hard times could be in her future but I will not leave her and I know I am also falling in love with her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I figure the people reading this could help better than most.
Thanks
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Know that it will be harder than you ever imagined and that it will be more beautiful than you ever imagined. It won’t be easy. some days the constant emotional grind will seem too much, some days you may feel so alone, some days she may not allow you to join her as she wades through her mortality. But we are human. All of this is ok and expected. What matters is that love is there. On a practical level, find a support group. It helps to talk to others who underdtand that sometimes you can be afraid,angry, confused and lonely. If you take care of yourself, you can be a better partner for her.
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This is such a great post, and the comments really help me gain insight when I’m struggling with thoughts about my relationship. I have been fighting cancer for 8 moths, we had just dated for two months and he stood by me. Now I’m waiting to take tests to see if I’m cancer free.
Im having all these different feelings and thoughts about all my relationships, family, friends and my boyfriend. And it worries me, because I’m not sure if this has strengthened my relationships or weakend them.
But after reading these comments i feel a bit better, because none of us are really alone, if our relationships die or live we still know that were not the only one and that feels comforting to me. I dont want to make any decisions when i still struggle with all these feelings and when i dont know which foot to stand on yet. I feel like patience is key.
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Ise, your comments are hugely helpful to all of us. Many thanks for sharing them with us. You have done such a beautiful job of summing up the rollercoaster ride with cancer – the confusing emotions and the need for patience and gentleness with ourselves and others. Wishing you all the very best in the future.
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The lady in my life didn’t let on until recently that she had gone to her doctor to get “tested” for breast cancer, I’m assuming this is the biopsy. This was roughly two weeks ago. Last week she went to visit her counsellor at the women’s clinic. I have only heard from her once since then. I was reaching out probably once a day sending her support and have now accepted that she might just be seeking space. I have never been through this kind of situation. I care very much for her and I feel kind of “shutout” as I feel I am of no support to her, and I very much want to support her in anyway I can. Can anyone relate?
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Hi Tom, I am so sorry that you feel shut out in this way, especially as it is clear you want to be a support.. Did you read the comment by Ise above? It is full of understanding and wisdom which might help you a little. I hope things work out for you and your relationship. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us on this sensitive topic.
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I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and already feel like I have lost a lot of my self esteem due to changes in my body image. My partner although looking after me in a shall we say caring and fatherly manner has not been near me intimately since my diagnosis.
I went to bed early and he was still not in bed by midnight, I woke up went downstairs, I heard him hastily shut the laptop, he swore he was not up to anything.
when he had gone to bed I opened the laptop and yes he was there sex chatting with women, it was obvious he had been doing it sometime as he knew one of the ladies names.
We did talk about it and he said he doesn’t know why he does it and he has no intention of meeting any of these women.
I have spent all night awake, feeling so low, I have surgery Thursday and have to be fighting fit but I just feel like giving up….
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Oh you poor thing. What a stress for you on top of all the other stresses you are facing. I am so sorry to read of what you are going through. All I can say is keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Let him know how you feel and ask him to be open and honest with you too. Good luck and take care
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Hello thank you for your kind words, I did broach the subject with him and he said it was not about me or my condition just that he has felt so very old and he swears on his daughters life he would never want to be unfaithful or that chatting to other women even does anything for him sexually. Its just he wants to pretend he is something he is not. I said I understand and really I do, its not about me he still wants me, finds me attractive, its just he feels its while i’m shall we say delicate he doesn’t want to push me. So although its not want I want, I do understand and would prefer he tell me as when he is keeping it secret its kinda like being unfaithful. Anyway had my radioactive injection today and surgery tomorrow so I feel better for having voiced me feelings.
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Thanks for letting me know how the conversation went. It sounds like you both need time to adjust to the changing situation in both your lives. Wishing you well – Marie x
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My husband and I were always very intimate , both highly sexed and always cuddling . We have been together 25 years and are both 49. At 47, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and underwent 3 operations and 6 weeks of radiotherapy and , since then, our sex life has gone
from a daily occurrence to 4 times in 2 years ! Cuddles are few and far between. I know he would never be unfaithful to me but every time I ask what is wrong he says nothing , that he loves me so much and everything is fine . I am on the verge of just walking out because the cancer has made me realise how short lufe is and I feel he is wasting my precious time
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Since diagnosis of breast cancer our relationship has gone downhill. My wife belittles me, accuses me of every short coming. I’m convinced she hates me and enjoys verbally and mentally abusing me to alleviate stress. I will ask a simple question and within a second a dr. Jewell responds. Other times she is sweet as pie and like a bull n a china shop, one wrong move and I’m n for it. Sometime, I have to retreat to the spare bedroom as I feel I will lose it. . I don’t feel comfortable in our home anymore and feel like a stranger. I honestly don’t want to be in this house anymore. Even if I love my wife I am very unhappy at the moment and I don’t think I can go on much longer if things continue.
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Hi, my wife also had a diagnosis of Breast Cancer, and similarly our relationship went down hill. I thought, as you do, that this was all one sided – after all I was continuing as normal, thinking that I am not going to let this change us, but things got progressively worse prompting me to do some soul searching – things aren’t normal, are they? There is that big fat elephant in the room that will keep things from being normal. In your post I can see a lot of ‘I’… I am not calling you selfish for one second, and I was the same, but just remember that no matter how bad things are for you personally you’re wife is feeling the brunt of this and is probably feeling extremely alone and scared, no matter how much you are there for her. We always hurt the ones closest to us. A good friend once said to me, imagine a stone being thrown into a puddle, the ones closest to the point of impact will experience the biggest ripple, but that is all it is, a ripple – your wife is the one that has to deal with the stone.
I hope things get better, but remember it was always going to be a totally shit time.
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Pingback: Where Did Breast Cancer Start | Drowkiller2
My wife has breast cancer for the second time. Our relationship is in dire trouble. She has completely withdrawn from me. We barely talk let alone anything else. I don’t know what to do. I try to support her and do all I can around the house when I’m home from an immensely stressful day.
It just feels like we’re heading for a divorce. Or continue being two unhappy people in a house? I love her so much.
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Well my story is not common I hope.I was going to be married April 18, 2015 and on March 12 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and BRCA 1+ gene mutation. My fiance and I talked the day before my results and decided to postpone our wedding if my results come back positive because we wanted this to be a happy time, when I received a positive for Invasive Ductal Carcinoma stage 3 and BRCA1+ they wanted me to start chemo immediately. The day of my diagnosis I received a very harsh rude call from my soon to be sister in law and mother in law reprimanding me for postponing our wedding so that I could start chemo the following week and did not understand that I would loose my hair and gain weight rapidly by the time our beach wedding rolled around. I was still in shock and all I could do was cry as they lite into me on how selfish I was and that our wedding was not just about me. I had other medical conditions which this would most defiantly affect and my oncologist said it was best to wait as my fiance and I had disgust. I was heartbroken that he did not have my back nor did he defend our mutual decision on the matter. The entire year I underwent chemotherapy, steroid treatment, a double mastectomy, staph infections, multiple hospital stays and multiple surgeries later, I did not see either of them the entire time but I did however hear their unhappy opinions and thoughts of the matter through small town gossip. Since then I have had very rude comments made at my expense and I feel like it puts my fiance in the middle between his mother and sister and I, which I never wanted to ever happen. I will be very honest in saying I am hurt deeply and do not understand as they portray themselves as “Christian” women could say and do such cruel things knowing the heartache and suffering I have endured. I am currently disabled due to the medical conditions I required from the cancer and have had things said like if he was not with me he could have a family with children and a fiance who worked so he wouldn’t have to carry the burden of a household yet his mother has him hide money and gifts she buys and sends him without my knowledge, she has made him feel guilty for missing nieces and nephews birthday parties saying I am trying to make him choose between me and his family when he has stayed at home to take care of me or stays at the hospital to take care of me, which makes me feel super guilty. I would never in my life ever ask him to choose between me and anyone especially his family, especially his nieces and nephews that I love dearly that are told to only refer to me as Ms.Ashley because I am not married to their uncle and if their grandma has anything to do with it I never will. I am on disability and sale my belongings to cover what my income does not to help so that he does not have to do it alone. But I feel him pulling away from me. I absolutely love and adore this man of 5 years and never dreamed this would be our life but I can honestly say, having found out he has lied about the money and their situation does bother me, we are suppose to be a team and I could go into more detail but I think I have wrote enough. I just need some advice from someone looking from the outside in. What do I do? I love this man but he is not being honest with me. I may be sick and yes I am sure that gets old but I am faithful, honest, protective to a fault, have never lied to him, believe in open communication, have his back, I still tell my family and friends he still talks about marriage which is a dishonest comment that is haunting me but what do I do. I love him with my heart and soul and I have fought for my life, a second chance at life! And the man I love seems to think he can take me for granted, lie and hide whatever from me and it shatters me. How am I suppose to proceed with this….. Please let me know your adivce
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Thank you for providing this place to hear others’ stories and share as well.
The reason that I’m posting here is that I have a variation of “how did cancer affect your relationship” that I have yet to find information on anywhere:
My husband was diagnosed with terminal sarcoma after months of being ignored for a strange leg pain(it was found to be from the large retroperitoneal tumor pressing on a nerve that shot down his leg);2 different physicians, our primary and an orthopedist, had failed to obtain a spinal xray, just focused on his leg and gave him Gabapentin…we found out when he began having incredible back pain and the films revealed a crushed disc:a tumor had overtaken it, and he had metastasized everywhere but his brain at that point. This guy had never spent a night in the hospital in his life, and just seven weeks to the day that we found out, he was gone. In retrospect, it was probably better not to find out until then, because it was too late for the treatments that would have brought so much more distress and ultimately wouldn’t have changed the outcome. He did have 5 radiation treatments to shrink the tumors and lessen the pain, which it did, but also sent took everything out of him, and he died less than two weeks later.
We were married for almost 15 years, and had a decent marriage,not the greatest,but we did okay. He was a narcissistic and selfish person, but I understood where it came from after getting to know his parents(!) and that it was just how he was…he could also be very sweet and loving. One of the issues we’d always had was that when there was a crisis or situation that we should have faced together, he chose to pull away mentally and not engage with me. So, it shouldn’t have been surprising that he essentially did the same thing after his shocking diagnosis, but he didn’t just not engage with me about it, he turned to someone else…his Facebook friends. His need for constant validation/attention had been very well nurtured through the many, many ‘friends’ he’d gathered, 98% of which he had never, and would never meet.
That day we’d found out, and were on our way to admit him to the hospital for extensive diagnostics, I told him in the car that I needed him to promise NOT to tell any of these people about it until I agreed it was time, because I knew that doing so would unleash the hordes on me, contacting me about him, trying to ‘friend’ me to get news about him, etc., and that was the least thing I could handle during this. He actually balked at first (“it’s MY life”), but agreed, saying that he would instead create a “secret group” for *just a few of my closest friends*, because “I need to build my support group!”. I am not kidding, he actually said that to me. I did not reply “but *I* should be your support group”, because obviously I didn’t want to upset him further. Short story: it was a week later that I gently suggested that he ‘add’ me to that group(now containing 20, strangers to me), saying that he should have me in it in case I needed to share news about him with them. That’s right, he created a secret support group that did not include me. Just never occurred to him, I guess.
I’m sharing this very strange story to say: in the seven weeks that he was dying, we never had any conversation about what would happen after he was gone.
We talked about his desire to stockpile pills “if the pain becomes too much”, and I had him write his obituary, etc., but we never once had THAT conversation, and it still bothers me, because I felt like that should have happened.
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Thanks to Dr_mack@yahoo. com for taking the time of bringing my man back to me. I went to 3 different spell casters, but only Dr Mack got the job done. Like I said before I appreciate all his time, effort, and energy used to restore my relationship, My boyfriend admitted he loves me and really want to be in a relationship with me. After 2 years of separation, we are now couples ……
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Breast cancer was one more nail in the coffin of a failing marriage.
My husband is the classic example of a man with narcissistic personality disorder.
When I started my cancer journey he did alot of online research. During doctor visits he would talk for and over me and the doctors. It was all about him.
When in recovery he pushed to take me home before they were ready to release me.
At home he did nothing to help with my recovery. He pushed to have initiate intimate relationship, chastising me that if I had lost my labido our marriage was over.
It was unimaginable to me that 2 days after surgery, with 8″s of incisions for a breast reduction on the non cancer side, he wanted to get physical.
I found myself in therapy to deal with the cancer recovery and 5 other crises that occurred around the same time.
Exhausted from treatments, maintaining my job, dealing with two other family members battling cancer, one person’s suicide attempt, loss of my home and car blowing up I was just moving through each day with no support from my spouse.
He turned to weed and pornography, as I tried to maintain my daily life.
Therapy helped me see how strong I was and realize that I would never have the kind of husband I wanted and deserved.
So now I am free of him and 4 year past the cancer ordeal. I’m a survivor, and choose to see the cancer journey as a life saver….it opened my eyes and if I could survive cancer I can survive anything.
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Mary it sure sounds like you are strong survivor. Many women find after a cancer diagnosis they are forced to take a long hard look at their partner and if this is truly the person they want to spend the rest of the time they have left with them.
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