The places that scare us
I have been struggling a bit this past week with feelings of being overwhelmed and tired and that old black dog has been nipping at my heels. So, I thought I had better re-read one of my go-to books – Pema Chödrön’s The Places That Scare You, because going where that black dog wants to lead, is definitely a place that scares me.
The great lesson that Chödrön teaches is that what we actually struggle against is life, but it is the very nature of life that we both get what we want and what we don’t want. Life is about experiencing it as it comes, just as it comes, the good parts and the bad parts.
The temptation is to run away from the feelings of panic, fear, anxiety, anger, whatever the emotion that threatens to overwhelm.
Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. (Chödrön: When Things Fall Apart)
Chödrön tells us this is the point where we should sit and be with the pain and the discomfort and not try to block it out or shut down. This place is “where the warrior learns compassion. It’s where we learn to stop struggling with ourselves. It’s only when we can dwell in these places that scare us that equanimity becomes unshakable.”
So that is my lesson for today…to dwell in that place that scares me in this moment for “this very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
What are some of the places that scare you? How do you deal with these times? Do Chödrön’s teachings resonate with you?
Thank you so much for sharing this – I know it isn’t always easy to write about feelings like anxiety and depression, but it is hugely helpful to read that I am not alone in my struggles
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I agree! Thanks for shining a light in the darkness x
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I needed this today!!!!
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“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” is a quote from Pema that I have pinned to my noticeboard as a reminder not to get too attached to things, because things change all the time.
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Great quote Alison – thanks for sharing it with us
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I have been catapulted back into the place that scares me most – a recurrence of cancer
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Deirdre, I have just sent you an email xxx
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I fear getting cancer again
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Thank you for this post and for introducing me to Pema Chodron – I hadn’t heard of her before but from what you have written here, I do believe her teachings resonate with me.
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I love her teachings – when things fall apart is beside my bed right now for me to dip into at night before I sleep
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It certainly does resonate with me! Although I don’t know how easy it will be to put into pratise I do seem the truth of her teachings
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Not always easy Angeline…but worth the effort!
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So happy to see you mention this book today 🙂 It is a wonderful book and I highly recommend it to.
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I found this book a year ago when I was looking for a way of dealing with my anxiety and depression and found it very practical and enlightening.
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I agree Emma…it is practical and it is inspirational and enlightening. I find myself returning to its wisdom again and again.
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I have just ordered this book from Amazon
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I am sure you will enjoy reading it Fiona 🙂
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Marie,
Thanks for this post today. Walking toward (instead of away from) the places that scare us is actually one of the most rewarding things we can do. Even tho I rarely do so willingly; when each time I look back to see the path I’ve traveled I can mark the trail when I went wading in the rapids. I always arrive on the other bank full of gratitude, and exhausted.
I hope that writing today, sharing the wisdom of Pema Chodron, and the support of the community helps transform the dog that’s nipping at your heels to one that plays a good game of fetch with you out in a meadow.
Hugs,
jms
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PS – Of Chodron’s I have “When Things Fall Apart” and “Taking the Leap.”
Both are fabulous.
jms
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Cancer recurrence used to be THE black dog that scared me, but not anymore. Now I have irrational fears of being abandoned (and misunderstood) by friends and family alike, now that both my parents are gone and only my brother is left, 3000 miles away. Yes, I have immediate family, but loneliness can still creep in, especially when empty nest syndrome lurks. Another fear is getting back into binge eating. I’m recovering from it, but it could rear its ugly head any minute. A third fear? Will my lymphedema and Reynaud’s syndrome worsen with age, until I die from infections as my father did?
I deal with these black dogs by first admitting they exist, and then feeling the pain and hurt, and finally journaling online or on paper about my reactions and emotions. Chödrön’s teachings absolutely resonate with me, as I find I can’t run away (up a tree) as I did when I was a child.
Thank you so much for sharing from this beautiful book.
XOXO,
Jan
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It happened just few hours a go, today, something scary that I wasn’t ready for… my 14 year old nice came to tell me she was feeling “pain” in her breast and there I saw worry on her eyes; funny how came across your post. I talked to her, she had questions about me. Now I am scare to death for her. She’s obviously worry can happen to her, her period was two days a go that was it. She was fine with the talk which I will keep doing with her mom too. I will have another biopsy on wednesday, something appear in my skin again, my nice’s worry came to block that! scary feeling.
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I am sorry to hear of these worries Vilma – I do hope all shall be well for you and your family.
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There is so much wisdom in this because even though we try to run away from the fear and pain sometimes, ultimately you can’t really succeed with that anyway, at least not for very long. So staying in the moment, facing anxiety and fear really makes total sense. Of course, this doesn’t mean it’s easy to do! My biggest fear is still cancer recurrence, especially with my brca status. This week I am feelilng the ‘black dog nipping’ since my onc appt is looming. Thanks for a wonderful post, Marie. I hope you are feeling a bit less tired and overwhelmed.
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Thank you for such a wonderful comment Nancy and oh yes, I do agree that it is not so easy to do in practise..but worth reminding ourselves all the same
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Standing and staying in the “bleached bones” place is the hardest and then we have to do it again…….
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What an amazing image Martine!
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Yesterday was the six-month anniversary of James’ death, and today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary. I thought for sure the black dog would have me pinned on the ground, but I’ve stayed strong. The thought of going to that terrible dark place again scares me beyond belief so I cannot do that again.
Losing James and having had cancer were the two things that scared me most in life. I now know I can survive anything!
XOXOXO,
Brenda
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oh sweetheart…you are the bravest lady I know but I can imagine how hard this week is for you – thinking of you xxx
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Brenda,
Thinking of you during what I can only imagine is an impossibly hard week. Thank you for sharing your comments graciously and honestly. You are amazing.
T
xo
Marie – Thank you for giving us all the opportunity to think about acknowledging the tougher moments in our lives and to sit through them when all we want to do is run. I love Pema Chodron and one of the quotes that I keep coming back to (maybe because of her blunt words) is: “Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”
Lots of love to both of you!
Terri
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Wow, I feel you !
This past month I have struggled with depression and anxiety. It has been so hard because I feel like I can’t escape it, but you mentioned that “we should sit and be with the pain and the discomfort and not try to block it out or shut down.” I was doing this all this time until now that I finished my breast cancer treatment, everything emotion came all at once, poring, flooding.
I know I have to face my fears to overcome them and this post has helped me to see we are not alone.
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart !!!
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Marie,
What a wonderful post that obviously speaks to many people. I have had to face some familiar fears this weekend. After having my ovaries surgically removed I find myself suffering some PTSD that sends me back to chemo and radiation and my recurrence. Before this surgery I was ont top of my game physically, mentally and emotionally. Now I find myself feeling vulnerable and I hate that, it is one of the things I like least about cancer the feelings of fragility and vulnerability. Obviously there is something for me to learn here and your post is making me try to sort it out. I have not read Pema Chodron but am on ym second reading of Thich Nhat Hanh’s You Are Here and I learn so much from each page. Thank you for the push to help me learn and grow instead of suffer in fear and try to escape.
Love, Deb
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Been thinking about this a lot. My ‘anniversary’ is coming up, and with it, all my rechecks and imaging and labs and office visits. But I so agree that only by sitting with our own discomfort do we learn compassion. And also we have to be able to sit with another’s discomfort to truly give them our compassion. And that’s very hard, too. Am working on a post about this myself, as it happens, and this had provided some fantastic inspiration. Thank you, Marie.
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Kathi, it is so good to read your comment and I will be very much looking forward to reading your post. I am off now to sit some more with my discomfort…until the next time we meet online….
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of course, i love this. it’s the core of what i stand on nowadays…and i came to this foundation unfortunately because of my mom’s cancers.still hate that it happened, but grateful for what i learned.
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