Cancer and the other side of me
Yesterday on the JBBC Facebook page, a few of the members of this group wanted to express their support to me for something they had read on my Diary of a Miracle blog. These past few weeks I have been undergoing yet another round of fertility treatment and yesterday I found out that it wasn’t successful. I wrote of my crushing disappointment and despair and these friends wanted to acknowledge this.
While I appreciate their concern, my initial reaction was “oh no” when I saw their messages on Facebook, because I try to keep this aspect of my life separate from what I write here. Mainly because this blog is aimed at a more general experience and I feel that my struggles with infertility is something which won’t be of interest to a more general readership; but also because it is such a private despair, which although I don’t hide it, I am careful who I share it with. I know that those who read my Diary of a Miracle blog are doing so because they are having the same struggles and are like me reaching out to feel less isolated in their journeys. I have found that there is a lot of judgement and condemnation around for those of us who go this route of assisted conception and I try to protect myself from this as much as possible by keeping it contained in a separate blog.
So this being the case, why I am writing all of this here today? I’ve been thinking a lot about those blogs I’ve been reading recently which deal with metastatic cancer, and I felt that this was a whole area I wasn’t addressing sufficiently in Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer. The fact that for many their journey with cancer is in a state of limbo and it is not as easy to move beyond this. The fact that depression, anxiety and sadness still stalk us in our days, months, and years beyond cancer. I want to acknowledge that I do understand what it is like to go through dark days, to have to fight through depression and despair. My fight may no longer be with cancer, but it is still a fight – a fight not to go under as I struggle with infertility, my own dark legacy of cancer treatment.
When I first started this blog, I chose to write solely about how my cancer experience had enriched my life (rather than to admit any other darker truth). I did this because I wanted this blog to be about hope – as a young woman newly diagnosed with cancer, I only wanted to hear that there would be a good outcome to all of this and then I wanted to be that survivor with the story of hope for other young women. But in the last year, as I struggled to come to terms with two miscarriages and countless failed fertility treatments, I wanted to write more about the times that hope deserts us, the times that we are filled with despair – not to discourage anyone, but so that those of us who are struggling know that we are not alone.
Sometimes cancer is not the life-affirming, positive experience you read about. It can also rob you of precious things, and leave your spirit broken, your hopes and dreams shattered. Sometimes cancer just sucks…infertility sucks… and life sucks..and then…well then, there are the other times….they are still there too. There is both shade and light in our lives and perhaps the best we can do is to be there for each other through both.
Marie…
This is most beautiful post I have ever read. In your raw truths your greatest Beauty is revealed. I am so sorry this pain has found you again. My heart breaks with you and for you & Billy. You are so precious to me, I Love you. You both are always in my thoughts and prayers. There are not HUGS big enough, but I give them to you.
taiya
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Oh Marie, I’m almost in tears reading this – I’m so sorry to hear of another disappointment for you and your husband. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better, I know, but I just want to honour the courage, honesty and strength I find in the words you write, despite the darkness you may be experiencing – again and again and again.
Your kindness and generosity have not been eaten away by your experience with cancer and that in itself is hope.
Thinking of you today with love.
ax
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Marie,
I had no idea. The raw authenticity of this post is such a gift. Thank you so much for the courage to write it.
xoxo
Katie
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Marie,
I have often found the most inspirational people to be those who are in the midst of some great darkness or personal turmoil. It’s the contrast between those circumstances and how we respond to that “common darkness of life” if you will, that others respond to, so powerfully…and that doesn’t always mean lifting others up, though in your case, it so often does. Sometimes, it also means the strength and honesty to acknowledge when we are ourselves are broken, and to ask others to help lift us up. And when that’s not possible, as your post implies, it may mean just offering to be with each other, in the darkness…to walk alongside the overwhelming sorrow and to let others know how much we care.
Thinking of you, Marie.
~Peg
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Marie – what can I say except I understand this hopeless despair and anger that you are feeling over what cancer has already taken, and the shadow it continues to cast as you endure this next chapter in your life. Believe me, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to be frustrated and it is okay to publicly acknowledge this dark side. After all, we are only human, and sometimes we can only take so much before the cracks start to show. Although our ordeals are different in many respects, we who have known cancer, or any other medical catastrophe, know about this dark side. We’ve all been there, and many of us continue to confront and question it every day. Just know that you are not alone, and my heart goes out to you as deal with this latest blow. Acknowledging the truth is sometimes what allows us to continue to move forward. Because we just must keep moving forward. Love to you Marie.
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A beautiful post as always, Marie, so eloquent but how I wish you hadn’t had to write it, ie that this treatment had worked,
xx
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God bless you for sharing this, and may God bless you in your journey. I have a feeling you are going to help more people than you know.
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What an incredible share. You are in my thoughts and prayers, as you continue on your journey. The lives that you touch through your words is unmeasurable. May God bless you. You are such a gift, a precious gift.
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Oh Marie, I am so sorry! Your blog today really touched me. And yes no matter how you cut the cake cancer sucks and the aftermath of it sucks. I love how authentic you were in your words today. I am not giving up and am praying for you dear sister! Long distant hugs.
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Marie, As everyone has said before me here, your honesty is beautiful and so appreciated and not taken lightly. It is hard to share those most intimate feelings of loss and despair. I hope you can feel the love and support that comes through in all your friends here and that this support can give you some strength to keep moving forward.
Love, Debbie
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well done marie.
Lauren
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Dear Marie,
Cancer steals.
I hate the painful way its theft has impacted your life. I hurt for your sorrow and how I wish I could fix it. There aren’t enough words in my vocabulary.
The honest way we deal with cancer is through honest words. You’ve reached another level of understanding here and I am so grateful for your courage and truth in writing this today.
We have much to advocate for, much work to do…for our sisters with metastatic disease, for our sisters who have fertility issues stemming from treatment. These issues suck.
Lean on us as we have leaned on you. We’re here.
With love,
Jody
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I found this via DrSnit on twitter, reading your story reminds me that even though our cancer battles and our journeys to get well may be different, many of our feelings are very much the same.
Thank you posting. I’ve bookmaked your blog so I can begin at your first post.
Best of luck with your fertility struggles, I know how painful a failed cycle can be, I’ve had many of them myself. But miracles do happen!! I promise!
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Dear Marie, finding it hard to find the right words here for you. Cancer does indeed rob and steal. That’s exactly what it does. I feel your loss. I hear you and your sadness.
Love to you, Sarah
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Dear Marie,
So sorry to hear your most precious wish wasn’t fulfilled this time either. I, like the ones before me, admire your strength in sharing this with us. This disease takes so much from so many and in that fact lies our strength: you’ll always have us to lean on if you need this. Thinking of you, big hug. Annemieke
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Oh, Marie…can the warmth and love of a hug be felt long distance across the oceans? If so, you should feel it right now!! Your post touches a much needed area about the cancer journey. The long lasting side effects…the challenge they pose as we try to put our lives back together. I don’t read your other blog very often, so I am glad you shared your heartbreak and saddness with us here. I am so sorry for your saddness. There are days that hope is hard to find, but please dear friend, claim the VICTORY!! My dear, if you have a chance please read the first chapter of Kings 1 in the bible. As Hannah cried to the Lord, He answered her…I will be praying that the Lord answers for you!
You are a beautiful woman who is an inspiration to us all!
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Hi, Marie:
Thanks for being so open….and it seems that we have something else in common.
xoxo
Lisa
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I have to say that I know exactly how you feel. I have posted before that I went through my cancer treatments this last year. In Jan. I had to have my ovaries removed because I was borderline for hormone activity. Since then my life has turned upside down. I have hot flashes and night sweats constantly and can’t sleep well. I do not feel any sexual desire and have not been able to be with my husband in a way that used to bring me so much joy before all of this started. I feel like the woman part of me is now all gone and I will never feel those things again. How do you deal with that? I hope someone understands how I feel and knows they are not alone in this. Your blog has helped me in a lot of ways. Thank you for being so open and caring and sharing.
Hugs,
Karen
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Marie,
This is an exceptional post, truly written from your heart. Once again, I find myself unable to come up with adequate words to respond. I understand how you wanted to keep your blog about the positive things. Sometimes those dark shadowy components of our journeys are the parts most needing to be shared, for our own healing and as a source of comfort to others. Sharing the dark times makes all of us feel less alone when we go through our own periods of darkness. We are here for you, Marie, to listen to it all.
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I feel you completely and respect everything you said…all we can do is to be there for each other when in the light or in the shade !! May God give us all what we all are looking for…!
Thank you for sharing…truly !!
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In your light you are an inspiration Marie, and also in your darkness. Through the raw pain of the place you are in right now you reach out and touch us.
We carry your heart while the burden is heavy and bow to the light that you are. We hope and trust you can feel our embrace.
With love and light
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Nicely done!
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Marie,
I just came across your your blog and I truly admire your authenticity and your ability to share both the dark and the light sides of your journey. As I recent survivor of breast cancer, I can relate to both the blessings and the hardship that a diagnosis can bring. Your challenges with infertility breaks my heart and I know that I can say nothing to make you feel better.
I am grappling with my own decisions about whether to remove my ovaries because of my high risk for ovarian cancer, but as a 31 year old single girl, the thought of not being a mother crushes me. Sometimes life is such a crapshoot, isn’t it?
Shortly before I started chemotherapy, someone very close to my heart gave me the book “Letters to a Young Poet” by Rainer Rilke. I’m not sure if you’ve read it before, but I still read Letter Number 8 on sadness when I am feeling particularly low and trying to make sense of the darker sides of life.
I look forward to continuing to follow your blog.
All the best,
Terri
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Terri I am utterly humbled by your sensitive and compassionate response to my post. Thank you for sharing your story x
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