What do you say to someone with cancer?
Today’s post is prompted by two things I read over this past weekend.
Firstly, a post by Feisty Blue Gecko which among other things touches on the insensitivity of the words some people use, and secondly a comment left by Kevin “my auntie has breast cancer it has came back cause they did manage to get rid of it i have not phoned her since because i dont know what to say to her “.
Seeing someone you care about go through pain or a difficult time is not easy. The sense of shock and fear at hearing the news can be overwhelming and while you want to help the person feel better and provide comfort you may be unsure how to go about it.
Susan Delaney, bereavement services manager with the Irish Hospice Foundation, says “the most important thing in communicating with a seriously ill person is to take your cue from them.”
Delaney advises friends and family to adapt their responses to the ill person’s normal character: “most of us have preferred ways of coping with difficult situations and we employ these coping strategies across different situations. So someone who likes to talk and share their feelings will likely continue to do this when facing a serious illness. Likewise someone who tends to be more private, or prefers to focus on actions rather than feelings, may be slower to want to talk openly about what is happening, or may consider questions intrusive.”
Avoiding the topic of cancer for fear of saying the wrong thing can leave the person feeling unsupported or unable to talk about their fears and worries. Similarly, trying to be overly upbeat and encouraging can be tiresome and patronising.
The writer Lionel Shriver has written frankly about her own failings when a close friend, Terri, was diagnosed with cancer: “there will always be something you’d rather do than confront the agony, anxiety and exile of serious illness . . . But nothing is more pressing than someone you love who’s suffering, and whose continuing existence you can no longer take for granted”.
Sometimes, there are no right words, sometimes the best you can do is listen, without judgment, without offering any (well-meaning but often clichéd) advice. Many people believe that in order to make someone feel better, they need to fix the problem or offer some solution, when all the person wants is to be listened to and have their feelings validated by you. Rachel Naomi Remen says it better than I ever could:
The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.
What are your thoughts? What should/shouldn’t friends and family say to you when you have cancer or indeed are facing any of life’s struggles?
Excellent post! I really do agree that sometimes the best you can do is listen and validate how the person is feeling. It is so easy to say the wrong thing!
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Thanks for sharing my post, the wise and helpful words by Rachel Naomi Ramen and the heart rending comment by Kevin. It is very helpful to look at this from the perspective of those who have someone with cancer in their life, and the challenge of saying words which go down well!
My daughter wrote a similar thing when we were exchanging emails about my original post – she said “its tough being this side of it and you put it exactly how I know you would be feeling. Trying to say not to worry and make it less obvious that I am worrying as well but trying to be patronizing at the same time is really tough!! It’s a hard balance to find, and the easiest way for me to do it is to say my piece, try not to worry, then leave you alone to deal with it yourself if you know what I mean? I don’t want to bombard you with emails saying you will be fine but I don’t want to just not talk about it ”
At the very least I think it helps that we can articulate how tricky it is to those around and close to us.
Thanks
P
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Thanks Philippa for your very insightful comment
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I completely agree that listening is the most important thing although it only works if the person is willing to talk and that is not always the case. It is difficult to know what to say but being positive, offering hope and depending on how well you know the person, tapping into their sense of humour can do wonders.
What not to do: talk about your own problems, like your ingrown toenail or your great grandaunt who died from cancer! I have first hand experience of this and it drove me insane! I also vividly remember being told “we all have our own cross to bear and you’re no different from anyone else!” which obviously made me feel much better!!
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Hi Paula 🙂 I agree that many times people don’t want to talk and then of course, the other person feels awkward, so they start to talk about their own problems to fill the gap!
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I agree with what’s been said, and personally I also think it’s good to hear the words, “Just let me know if there’s anything at all I can do”. I would also encourage people with cancer or any other illness to take people up on this offer. All too often we’re used to looking after others’ needs; it’s not always easy to receive help (practical or emotional) from others, but it made a huge difference to me knowing that my family and friends were there for me – I didn’t feel as if I was alone.
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Hi Palma, great to get your comment today and it is true that often people are awkward when it comes to saying the right thing, but give them a practical task to do and they can shine.
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Cancer brings an awareness of total uncertainty.
When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, my mind struggled to make sense of how and why it had happened. Family and friends helped me to explore and process thoughts, feelings, and information by actively listening to me ramble on and on… about nothing and everything. That allowed me to be myself, and find my own way of living the questions.
The truth is that the only certainty we each have in life is – one breath. I remind myself of this throughout the day, and it stops my busy mind from taking me to places I don’t need to be. I get great comfort from living each breath as fully as possible.
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Sighle thank you for this beautiful reminder x
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Marie, this is so interesting as only the other night I had yet another conversation about this topic with my mother-in-law. She is someone who constantly struggles with the “what do you say” issue, which unfortunately tends to translate into saying nothing at all or simply calling me everyday and asking immediately “How are you feeling?” and expecting a full rundown of my medical file.
She also struggles with what she should do for me. She said “Why can’t I do your shopping for you?”. I said, because I don’t need you to right now, and I like to do it”. She then said, “But it makes ME feel good”. It’s almost better for her if I am laid up in bed because then she feels like she can do something. But thankfully I’m not laid up in bed most of the time so I then had to quietly remind her, again, that this is not about her feeling “good”. I understand her frustrations, but the best thing she can do for me is to follow my lead. And if she feels something is wrong that I’m not telling her, then just ask. But don’t do it via the phone or a text message, as I don’t respond well to those forms of communication. Just come over and have a normal conversation with me. If I don’t want to talk about it I will tell her and she needs to be able to respect that. And don’t ignore me because you don’t know what to say. I’m still a person who has interests, hopes and dreams like everybody else. I’m sure we can find something to talk about other than cancer.
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P.S. The worst thing that was ever said to me, and I heard it from several people (but not from my mother-in-law), was this;
“You know if anyone was going to get breast cancer, it was right that it was you. Because you’re so strong and can cope with it all”
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Oh my goodness Anna – I have had THAT said to me too!!!! Thanks for your great comment x
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Awesome post. I’ve been on both sides of the fence and I don’t know what to say any better than anyone else. I’ve told people I’m sorry they have to go through this. I’ve had people tell me it’s too bad. I think we can see through to intent.
The only one I didn’t like was an older woman who didn’t understand why I was agonizing over choosing betweeen mastectomy and radiation. She made comments that made it pretty clear she didn’t see what the big deal was, just cut it off and move on. I talked to a woman recently who like me, had DCIS. She had a relative say what’s all the fuss about? It’s not even real cancer! What I always tell people is, it’s close enough.
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It certainly is close enough Jackie – too close!!! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us.
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It can be very tough but the thing that’s working for the lady in my life with cancer and I is me asking questions and really listening to the answers. Not questions like “how are you feeling?” but deeper more personal questions that I feel like I might contemplate were I in her situation and certainly things that are on my mind on her behalf. It goes without saying that I cannot understand the depths of her emotions around this disease but I really try to. I feel like she and I have gotten closer bc of these conversations. The topics might be taboo to others but if we’re not digging deep here what’s the point?
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What a wonderful comment – thank you so much for sharing thoughts from the viewpoint of the carer
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Great post and terrific comments from everyone!
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Marie, great post. People just have no idea what to say. I love Rachel’s quote about listening. It’s so true. I used to try and express my feelings about the whole thing to my husband and since he’s so intent on fixing all that’s wrong around him, he’d get upset. He couldn’t fix me. I ended up feeling worse because I made him feel bad. It’s a fine line to walk. I just wanted to say my thoughts, but it was just too hard for him to hear.
Listening is something we all need to remember, not only to do, but also to ask for it. Thanks for the post.
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Oh Stacey, I so understand where you are coming from on this – my husband is just the same and it can lead to so much frustration on both sides! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us today.
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Aside from breast cancer itself, I think this is the number one problem for our partners. Feeling powerless and not being able to “fix it”. I know my husband struggles with this one everyday. It truly breaks my heart.
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Great discussion! When I was diagnosed, I first was so blown away by it that I asked people not to call me. My big worry was that they would want my reassurance that everything would be ok. I think that’s the difficult part of this — that you often have to move into caretaking mode by having to tend to everyone else’s emotional upheaval.
I am totally a stick-your-foot-in-your-mouth kind of gal, but I’ll usually just tell people that. Unless you’ve been specifically requested to not contact the person, I think an awkward conversation is way, way better than silence.
Katie
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Such a good point Katie. It does get a tad exhausting when you feel like you have to make everyone else feel better.
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Marie, Like those before me, I so relate to this post as well. First of all, I agree listening is sometimes all that is needed and there is nothing wrong with listening to silence! I sat at my mother’s bedside for hours on end when she was dying, just listening and aknowledging her when she sporadically spoke. We all want to be listened to, cancer or not. This post relates well to my latest post about the details and what to say when people ask, “how are you?” I find not that many people want to know too much and that’s ok. It would be too exhausting to go into all the details with everybody! And finally, some details are only for me. This post makes me want to be a better listener!! Thanks.
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Marie, The same advice holds true for someone who’s lost a loved one. People are afraid to call because they don’t know what to say. Whether it’s a serious illness, or a death, just call the person in question and say hello; I don’t know what to say to make things better, or I’m here if you need me. And listen! Just listen! They have a story that’s welling up inside them and they just want someone who will listen.
XOXOXO,
Brenda
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I wanted to email you and ask you to leave a comment Brenda, as this very thought was on my mind but I didn’t want to bother you – I am so pleased to see that you did xxx
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the hardest thing for me right now is that i am (currently) a survivor and my beloved brother was not. so when people say things like, “you had to live — you have more to do here on this earth,” they mean well, but it really cuts me deeply. my brother had more to do here too. he was only 36 when he died.
i think that, although people often don’t have much practice with it, it’s best to just listen. It’s hard, but that’s often what we need most.
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I am so, so sorry for the loss of your beloved brother but thank you so much for sharing your comments with us here x
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I agree. when a person has cancer, it’s good to listen with conpassion and kindness, and give tihe person hope and encouragement. Compassion is so very, very key and vital to helping someone who is dealing with cancer. Some ignorant and uncaring people had the nerve to suggest that “thoughts and emotions” caused cancer! It is very hurtful. Do they also blame children for their cancers?? Don’t they know aobut genetically caused cancers, enviromentally caused cancers, etc??? I guess not. Always be kind and compassionate to those fighting cancer. It is the decent thing to do.
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Wonderfully said Moira – always be kind and compasionate and I would add not just to those with cancer – we all fight a battle with life in some form or other. Thanks for your comment.
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