Dealing with survivor guilt
It may come as a surprise to those who have not experienced cancer, to learn that many cancer survivors suffer a sense of “survivor guilt” when we are in remission. It is difficult to look on as those comrades we have shared so much with during treatment who may not be doing so well.
Why feel guilty?
After all, you haven’t done anything wrong. You are not responsible for anyone else’s outcome. This is what friends and family told me, and yet the guilty feelings lingered on.
In a funny way, the “why me” questions I sometimes asked myself when first diagnosed with cancer, were now reversed. That “why me – why did I get cancer when others don’t” has been turned around to “why me – why do I get to survive when others don’t”.
And I ask myself the question if I have survived, what is the deeper meaning of my life after this experience? Guilt can arise also from a sense that what I’m doing with my life must have greater meaning if my survival is to be justified. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Feeling guilty at surviving is a common experience and a perfectly normal reaction to what you have gone through, so acknowledge your feelings, but don’t let life pass you by, feeling guilty because you have survived where others haven’t.
Ask yourself what you are going to do about these feelings. Are you perhaps feeling guilty because you are still living a less than healthy lifestyle? Then do something about that – adapt the changes you know you need to in order to live a healthier lifestyle. Are you feeling guilty because you feel that you want to do more with your life? Then think about ways in which you can reprioritise your goals and values to achieve a more fulfilling life.
In his book, Travelling Light (The Columba Press) Daniel J. O’Leary quotes Bearwatcher, an Apache medicine man.
In the Apache language there is no word for ‘guilt.’ Our lives are like diamonds. When we are born we are pure and uncut. Each thing that happens to us in our lives teaches us how to reflect the light in the world; each experience gives us a new cut, a new facet in our diamond. How brilliantly do those diamonds sparkle whose facets are many, to whom life has given many cuts.
So when you experience those feelings of guilt, contemplate the brilliant new facet in your diamond and reflect on the way that you can reflect that light in the world. You will best honour the memory of those comrades who have died, by looking to the future and pledging to make the best life you can for yourself and those you care about. Life is a precious gift and you have been given the opportunity to recommit yourself to it. Your time to go will come around again, but for now, it is your time to live; so armed with the lessons you have learned from your cancer experience, look to the future and shine with the brilliance of your diamond light.
Marie,
Although my life has been such that I haven’t had a chance to comment on some of your most recent posts (all very good), I just wanted to let you know that this post speaks such truth. I never asked the questions why me when I got cancer, but I have asked the questions why me when it comes to survivorship. I love how you shared the Apache medicine man’s thoughts….a diamond–what a great way to look at life’s trials and triumphs. Do you mind if I link over to this post from my blog?
Blessings to you,
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Kim I am so pleased this post resonated with you. It is something I struggled with a lot when I first finished treatment, and it comes back to me again and again at different points in my life. I would be delighted if you link to it. Warm Wishes – Marie
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Marie, this is a wonderful blog post. Lorna x
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I’ve read about survivor guilt, but haven’t experienced it. I am devastated for others when I hear their cancer has returned, and it is a reminder (as if I need one) that mine could as well. You’ve stated it well, Marie. We must give thanks and savor the time we have and use their tragedy as a wakeup call to do all that we can to nurture not only ourselves, but others as well.
XOXOXO,
Brenda
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A wonderfully insightful and compassionate post – as always!
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I never felt this guilt – i just believe that we each have our own stories and our paths to walk and we cannot feel guilty that we get to survive where others don’t.
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Thank you for raising this subject – it is one that is not spoken of too often, but I can readily identify with the idea of survivor guilt.
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One of my most favourite posts you’ve written to date!
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I love that apache quote!
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A very powerful post today Marie. It really resonated with me.
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This is so true for me and I love what you say about using our experience to be a light in the world – beautiful
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I love this post today – really inspired me to look to the future with gratitude and let go of the guilt i sometimes feel at surviving cancer when so many of my comrades, as you say,. have not.
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I agree that you can form very close bonds with those you go through treatment with – when they have a recurrence or they pass away, it can be very difficult to handle – it brings up a lot of fear and yes, guilt too.
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Terrific post and it seems to have struck a cord with so many of your readers.
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Dear Marie,
yet another very insightful blog! If ever you ask yourself why, this is it: you might not have survivied because of your talent as a writer but you sure used that talent to become a survivor with a mission. you are an awesome cancer advocate and your blog helps many. I truly love the Apache quote. Thank you once again for this blog, for being my Twister and an isnpiration to many. Big hug, Annemieke
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Dear Annemieke, very grateful for your continued support and friendship x
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Guilt also weighs heavily on the care giving partner…the one left behind…the healthy one, as well. More prayers than imagined were given to trade places during the fight, but they didn’t work. The combination of the “why not me” and the profound sense of loss and sadness, casts a shadow over the diamond, making it impossible to reflect. Still waiting for the clouds to lift……not sure they ever will
uvmer
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Dear Nancy, thank you so much for sharing this with us. I didn’t think of this aspect and I really appreciate you leaving this comment. Thinking of you. Marie x
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Nancy, glad you posted this as a reminder of all the many aspects of emotions surrounding cancer, not just to the survivor but to the co-survivors as well. Hang in there. I am hoping to help make those clouds lift some day. Love, Deb
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Marie,
Such a wonderful, supportive and thought provoking post. I have to admit that I have not had survivors guilt yet. Perhaps because I was quickly dealing with a recurrence and barely feel like a Survivor again, just barely getting there now. So it may be something that hits me down the road.
I love the quote about the diamond. My therapist has talked with me often about the image of myself/my life as a multi-faceted diamond and it is an image I try to hold on to. Both because it is full of brilliance and light and also strength. It also helps me think about remaining open to experiences that will add a new facet to my diamond of a life.
Much love to you who have shone your brilliant light on me to help my diamond shine brighter. Deb xxxxxxx
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I love that the diamond analogy resonates with you Debbie x
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Marie, I did want to add to my comment. I don’t feel the type of survivor’s guilt associated with being alive while others have passed away, I think that has to do with having my recurrence so quickly and still not feeling like an official “survivor” at times. (That sounds like a blog post to me, I’ll have to work on it)
But I do feel the type of survivors guilt associated with feeling like I have had a wake-up call and now I better do something great with my life because I have had a second, and in my case third chance. That pressure comes from within as much as anywhere else. I have learned to deal with that most of the time by reminding myself that each little moment I make the most of and enjoy is as good as climbing the highest mountain.
Also, I think another good thing to associate with the diamond analogy is that we are all multi-faceted individuals defined by much more than our cancer. When you are in the throws of diagnosis and treatment and recovery it can feel like all you are (to yourself and others) is a walking reminder of cancer. But in reality we are many things and we may be unaware of all our facets. I have found it is so important to be open to all the possibilities of what life may bring your way, soon you may be defining yourself in ways you never imagined.
xxx
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This is very interesting. Since my father had his scan after all his treatments and he was told he is now cancer free, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the his journey. One thing that continually comes to my mind is my mother in law and her battle with cancer. She was diagnosed in November of 97 and died almost to the day 6 months later, I keep wondering why my father survived and my mother in law hadn’t. I have to tell you I have almost the same exact feelings, (even though it was my father who battled the disease and not me) sometimes when I look at my husband, I feel so bad, and wonder if he thinks the same thing. I guess it is all part of the journey. I need to concentrate on the gratitude, and will take that with me today as I go forward.
I loved this post, again so timely with my personal life. Thank you.
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topsurf – did you see Nancy’s comment? Thank you for opening up this other aspect of survivorship guilt that I hadn’t thought of.
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This really moved me – ! have survivor guilt just because ! am not ill and I can not fight the fight for the people I love. My heart wrenches when, no matter how hard I try to access all compassion, I hear : “You don’t know what this feels like. How can you understand.” I am grateful for my health and cherish every second of it, believe me – but if I could carry the burden of the suffering that can be part of this journey for my Mom, I would – in a heartbeat! x
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As I approach being 9 years cancer free, the only time I can say that I felt guilt was when my mentor passed away shortly after my treatments ended. She had been such a great support over my journey that I wasn’t sure how I could manage without her inspiration…..I feel that things happen for a reason and because of my journey I lead a much more positive life and cherish things everyday that before would go unnoticed…I feel that my cancer has changed my life in a postive way…did I like going through it…no…but I am a changed person for living through it.
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We really appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment on Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer Joan. May you continue to be changed positively by your experiences.
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Dear Mary,
This week I was discharged from therapy having suffered from Post Traumatic Stress disorder. Instead of feeling elated I was surprised to find myself feeling sad. On reading more about survivor guilt I stumbled across this brilliant post. Thank you for writing something so insightful.
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While the treatments for cancer – surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy targets the cancer quite specifically in the body, the experience does not leave the mind, the spirit or the emotions untouched. I have met and talked to too many cancer survivors to know that the experience touches us at a very deep emotional and spiritual level. Some researchers into the area of survivorship have put forward the theory that surviving cancer fits the framework of postraumatic stress disorder and I have seen enough evidence to believe that is true. You are not alone Priya in feeling this way. Wishing you all the very best for your healing. Marie
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i have recently founf myself in this new and unanticipated world of survivor guilt. Friends and acquaintances around me are losing their battles with alarming regularity….and with each one i find myself more and more profoundly impacted. And then, i feel further guilt for all the energy and thought given to MY place in time right now rather than reflecting on those that have lost their battle or lost someone the love so deeply.My mom battled IBC most of my teenage life and then again when i was adult (the second battle she lost) I am in year 6 of survivorhood…not new to the game at all.
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Hi Rachel, thanks for taking the time to leave your comment. So many of us share the same feelings as you can see. Marie
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