Getting past “why me”
Do you ever find yourself saying “why me”? or “it’s just not fair”?
I can honestly say I haven’t said those words since I was a child. As I grew up it didn’t take me long to realise that life isn’t fair and so by the time I heard the words “you’ve got cancer” it never occurred to me to think the old why me thought. Instead I thought, why not me?
I came across a piece written by Anne Mattos-Leedom recently which addresses this life isn’t fair syndrome. Just like the Ezra Bayda quote above, Mattos-Leedom writes that
life will be less of a struggle when you accept that no matter how well you take care of yourself, nurture your relationships and protect your children, bad things do happen to smart and careful people. Staying stuck in that pain keeps us in the place of ‘life isn’t fair’. It is only in coming to terms with our grief and realizing that everyone suffers at one time or another that we can move on…. Our part is to do the best we can and then to see past the moment into the bigger picture and knowing that ultimately what happens if part of that plan. Often things are much fairer then we realize at the time. That is where faith comes in.
This last part reminds me of the parable I told recently of the old man and the horse. If you remember this chinese parable illustrated the point that we are not always able to see what is ultimately good or bad in any given situation until some time has passed. “All we can see is a fragment. Who can say what will come next?”
Mattos-Leedom also believes that our sense of ‘it’s not fair’ often comes from the need to control things in our life that in spite of our best efforts we simply do not have ultimate control over. We learn this lesson the hard way when we’ve had a diagnosis of cancer thrown at us – we feel our bodies, which we believed we were in control of, have let us down. I also learned a hard lesson after cancer when I tried to control my fertility. Mattos-Leedom advises that we need to develop a healthy balance between giving things your best effort and then understanding ultimately it is out of your control. Put your efforts into the process but learn to let go of the need to control the outcome. This is where the practise of mindfulness can really help.
Mattos-Leedom also advises
whatever issues are troubling you are most likely issues many others are also struggling with as well. Don’t isolate yourself, which can lead to a crippling sense of life being unfair. When you share your pain and circumstances with others and realize you are not alone, you can turn the sense of “it isn’t fair” into compassion and eventually, action to let go.
I absolutely agree with this point. I found sharing my worries, concerns and milestones with other cancer patients at the cancer support centre really helped me feel less alone and less why me. Since then I have made new friends and connections all over the globe through blogging. They know what I mean when I lament lasting effects like “chemo brain”, when my fears of recurrence surface, when I feel down, or feel happy with each cancerversary.
I will leave the last word to the author who says:
Sometimes the best way to get past the life “isn’t fair” syndrome is to accept that life is indeed unfair in many cases. We will see others succeed that don’t seem to deserve it. It is only in truly accepting that we don’t know the whole picture—or why things happen as they do–that we can move on. It is not for any of us to say why things happen as they do. Let go of the idea you have total control and you might find that the only time fairness enters your world is when it relates to how you treat others. Life may not be fair, but you can be fair—and be the best human being you can be.
What a great post! This really resonated with me today, especially the bit about our sense of ‘it’s not fair’ often comes from the need to control things in our life that in spite of our best efforts we simply do not have ultimate control over – now that really hit home for me!
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Once again another really great post. Seems like you have a lesson for me every time I need it!
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Suffering is the result of insisting that something be other than it is. I am writing this quote down- I think there is such a lesson to learn there! Thanks so much for a really terrific post
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Thank you. I needed this today xx
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Love this post. I am a person who naturally gravitates toward fairness and justice. Indeed my cancer experience has helped me to understand that life isn’t a meritocracy. That’s a tough one for us Americans to get through our thick skulls sometimes — we have been raised to believe that we are in full control of our destiny. Not true, according to an unexpected biopsy result in 2008!
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Katie I love your comment 🙂
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Katie, thank you for your honest and wise comment – it is so true!
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Great post Marie and it really resonated for me as I have been throwing myself a “Pity Party” for about 3 & 1/2 years on and off. Truly it is one of the hardest parts of this cancer experience for me- the “why me” syndrome.
A while back I was reading a book by Joel Osteen and he talked about having an “I don’t understand it” file in our brains or hearts for when something happens in our lives that has no reason or no reasonable answer. Joel says, “Instead of dwelling on it and trying to figure it out simply place it in the file, then muster enough faith to say, ‘God, I don’t understand it, but I trust you. And I’m not going to spend all my time trying to figure out why certain things have happened. I’m going to trust you and make something good out of it.”
It can be hard to get up every day and show this kind of faith, but just like “life isn’t fair” there is also the truism “no one said it was going to be easy”.
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That’s a great comment Debbie – thanks for sharing the Joel Osteen wisdom 🙂
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Debbie I love this – thanks for sharing x
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A fantastic post and brilliant comments too – really helped me today.
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Thank you so much for such a wonderful post! I couldn’t agree more with this thought..”Mattos-Leedom also believes that our sense of ‘it’s not fair’ often comes from the need to control things in our life that in spite of our best efforts we simply do not have ultimate control over.”
One of the things I remember as a young child growing-up in a big family is a saying that my dad would use when we whined about not getting something that one of our siblings had and we’d tell him that it wasn’t fair. He’d say “Look up ‘fair’ in the dictionary, it doesn’t say ‘equal’.” So true! This also eventually taught us to be happy for others and share in their joy.
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Michele, I love what your Dad told you about looking up fair in the dictionary – what a wise man!
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Michele this is a terrific comment and I too love how your Dad told you to look up the definition of “fair” – how right he was!
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I really enjoyed reading this post and I’ve learned so much from it and the comments.
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It’s all down to acceptance and realising that there is something within each experience that provides you with personal growth. Despite being a terrible thing to go through, my battle with breast cancer has helped me get rid of all sorts of demons that had been following me around since childbirth. Probably because you get a reality check on what, and who, is important in your life. I wouldn’t change anything about the past 12 months. Odd eh?
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Woops, I meant childhood!
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Marie,
I agree with the others, another great post. I am at a conference this week and the last speaker today talked on SEEing: Turning Obstacles into Triumph. It was awesome and I am planning on doing a blog post in the next few weeks. Anyways, can I share a quick story? When my children tried the “It’s not fair” attitude with me…I would say “Life’s not fair, the sooner you realize it, the better off you will be.”–which would sometimes get shortened to “Life’s not fair, get over it!” Well, when my youngest daughter was in 2nd or 3rd grade, her teacher said “That’s not fair.” My shy, sweet little girl raised her hand and politely told the teacher “My mom says life’s not fair–get over it!”
Thanks again for all the great posts!
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One quick comment on Sara’s comment…you said it so true. In my class that I went to on overcoming obstacles, we had to share an obstacle that we have overcome. I, of course, mentioned breast cancer. The instructor’s response was amusing. She said, “OH, just a warning guys, you don’t want to mess with her. Something changes when a women has breast cancer and they become–‘Watch out world, no one is messing with me!'”
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