A husband’s story
Today I am truly honored to share with you a male voice on this blog, and what a voice! Andy Koehn and I have been getting to know each other via Twitter for the past few months and his quirky, funny, and unique take on life was instantly appealing.
Andy is open and honest about his struggles raising his kids, and dealing with their grief and his own following the death of his wife, Laura, from breast cancer. He shares much of this on his website, Thirty Seconds, which I encourage you all to check out.
I know that Andy has put a lot of thought and care into writing this post, which is reflected in the heart-felt message he has for all of you who will read his words today.
What can I say to an audience of breast cancer survivors as a man who lost his wife to this disease? I’ve started and stopped this post countless times because there is almost too much to say…but really…there is little to say that you haven’t already heard or thought about or experienced already. Really this is going to be a jumble of thoughts from a guy who can normally string together a pretty compelling argument…but the subject matter brings up a jumble of emotions and so I’ll ask you to bear with me.
I am stumbling because I want to be deep…or wise…or something like that. I’m not any of those things so I’ll just say what I want to say:
This cancer fight…this battle…this bullshit that you’re going through…well…it is hard on us(your partners) too.
I feel almost stupid saying this because you’re the ones that have to face all the physical trauma’s that come with cancer treatments…not to mention the intense emotional strain. Still…there is an indescribable helplessness that walks with us as we walk with you. It sleeps with us…lives with us…pushes us against the wall and whispers, “She has cancer…and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.” It’s cruel…and emasculating…and I hated it. (Still do…)
It is that helplessness that messes with us…your partners…the ones who promised to take care of you. Maybe it was worse for me because I’m a guy…I can’t say if that’s true for everyone…but it’s definitely how I felt. I wanted to do something…anything…to take the sickness from her and make it all better. I wanted her to be able to exist without the fear that lived in our house with me and my family. He/she/it came out of nowhere and raped her…and all I could do was watch and beg the universe to make it stop because she didn’t do anything to deserve the hand she was dealt. It killed me. It really did.
Yet here I am…possibly offending the sensibilities of a whole bunch of people because a beautiful woman half a world away was kind enough to ask me to share my thoughts on this subject. I’m sorry if I offend…but I don’t want to soften any of the emotions that materialized when I became a cancer husband.
If there is any point to this entry it is this: Your most ardent fan…supporter…the one who loves you most…he/she wants to take your pain and fear away…but can’t…and so he or she suffers along with you. It is different to be sure…not worse than yours…but it is suffering just the same.
We want you to be free from your attacker so you can breathe easy again. We long for those days when we would sit together and talk about mundane issues that used to seem so important. Like you…we want to wave a magic wand and make it all go away because we love you. Of course we can’t…and so we hurt.
Please know that I admire the strength you exhibit and you deserve to be proud of yourselves because you are an inspiration. I know what real inspiration looks like and it’s not a world class athlete making a goal line stand…or a talk show host passing judgment on our society. Unfortunately there is inspiration all around us in our everyday lives but often we’re afraid to look at it. To me inspiration is a woman wrapped in a bandana…defiantly standing in the produce aisle at the grocery store…picking out strawberries for tonight’s dessert…trying desperately to ignore the downcast eyes of the other shoppers. You ARE brave…I see it…and it sucks that you are an unwitting inspiration to people like me. It sucks for all of us who are part of the cancer club…because none of us deserve it. But here you are…and here I am…so what more is there to say? Please…continue to rock on…
Wow, this post took my breath away. I can fully appreciate that it can, in many ways, be worse for the partner looking on, helpless in so many ways and unfortunately, sometimes the one left to carry on and bring up a family on their own.
A brave post.
In this morning’s Country Living of the Irish Farmer’s Journal, is an article about the need for support for widows and widowers who were bereaved for all sort of illnesses and how Irish forums have been set up recently to provide a voice and support – http://www.widows.ie.
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Lorna, thanks so much for taking the time to leave that link to widows.ie here. That is very helpful. And yes, I agree, Andy’s words have great power and he moves us all with his honesty and compassion.
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Thanks so much for sharing this, Andy and Marie. The more I’ve been getting to know and love all of you, my friends with cancer, the more helpless I’ve been feeling and Andy’s words express my own feelings too
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Thank you for those lovely words Chari xxxx
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Wow. Amazing words. Amazing post. Amazing man.
Watching my father going through treatment right now I share a lot of the same feelings.
Thank you for sharing this.
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Thank you for your comment. Wishing you and your family well as your Dad undergoes treatment.
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So moved by Andy’s honesty and compassion.
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Andy and Marie, thanks for sharing this post and Andy thanks for being so honest! Sugar-coating things doesn’t help, probably just makes it worse. I am a cancer survivor and every once in a while I think about how hard it has been for my husband, daughter and extended family to watch me go through this. I can only imagine how hard it would be for me if the tables were turned.
I have thought of it more recently as I have made friends with a very courageous woman on twitter who lost her life partner this past summer to brain cancer. I can only imagine…
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Thank you so much for sharing Andy’s voice – a voice for those of us who have lost loved ones and are left behind
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Oh this just moved me to tears today..I just want to reach out and give him a big hug.
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such rawness and such bravery – I really admire Andy for doing this
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I am so impressed with your guest blogger today!
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What an AMAZING post with an amazing story to share…we’ll definitely be linking to this in our blog tomorrow!
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Wow Marie – your guest blogger has really hit a nerve here – terrific stuff!
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Very moving..
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So important to make mention of the view from the partner’s side – thank you Andy for writing so movingly and eloquently and thanks Marie, as always, for facilitating this!
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Thanks for such an honest and brave post!
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I lost my beloved to cancer earlier this year, and the pain is so raw – this post resonated with me very much.
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Very powerful!
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Man that was powerful – i lost my wife too, so you just articulated what I am feeling far better than I ever could!
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I don’t think anyone has picked up on Andy saying he would be offending anyone..Andy, how on earth could we be offended by such humanity and sensitivity!
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I don’t know. Some people don’t like any swearing or “bad” words. I’ve had people tell me to NOT use them…but I am what I am, ya’ know? I’m glad I didn’t though. It’s never my intent.
Thanks for reading and commenting and Marie is the coolest, isn’t she?
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I agree with Lisa..I don’t see how we could be offended!
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Andy perfectly captures that sense of helplessness which my husband also feels as I go through my own journey with breast cancer…but he is not able to put it in words like this. Thank you Andy..I feel I understand a little more of what my husband is going through now.
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Jeez you’re welcome. I DO feel for him…and everyone that has to go through this. It’s a crazy feeling…shows us how much we really love you. What a way to get that feeling, huh? Be good…and carry on…and all that…
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Thank you for putting the view point of the carer out there..their sense of hopelessness and despair at the pain their loved ones are going through. So sorry for your loss Andy and for your kids too.
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Andy, I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss.
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Very moved by Andy’s story.
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Is it inappropriate to say that I feel sure Andy will find love and happiness again..I hope I don’t offend you Andy by saying that..and she will be a lucky lady to have such a sensitive and caring partner!
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Ina…not inappropriate at all. I hope for the same thing. Too bad I don’t live in Ireland. (The home land…) Thanks for reading and commenting and saying such a nice thing.
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Andy sounds like such a great guy -he deserves to find love and happiness again!
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The tears are streaming down my face here. Andy you are a brave and wonderful man. As my immediate carers at the time, my parents experienced all of this when I had cancer and I have always maintained that it was harder for them than it was for me because of that feeling of helplessness.
Thank you for sharing this post with us Andy and I wish you and your family every good wish for the future.
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Paula, you are so right – my mother was my main carer at the time and the weight dropped off her with worry and stress. I felt so guilty and bad that she was suffering too and I always maintained it was easier for me going through the experience than her watching me, her daughter whom she loved and wanted to protect.
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What a great message. I have experienced both sides, first as caregiver for my husband, and then 10 years later – 2009 – as a breast cancer patient. I think that having no control as caregiver is so frustrating – at least I was “in control” of my body. Watching my husband, my love of my life, struggle through the surgeries, and long, difficult recovery was emotionally exhausting.
I feel we are both lucky to both be cancer survivors, to have the rest of our lives, however long that may be, to spend together. We both have a new appreciation for life and those around us.
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Thank you for finding and saying the words that my own husband has been unable to say. I actually called him a selfish SOB one day when he tried to tell me that he was in pain too. It really helps me to know that it isn’t just him OR me. I hope you find peace again in your life and God bless you and your family.
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I recently lost my partner and Andy, you just opened my chest and let my words out…almost verbatim. Intellectually I know that there was nothing I could do to save her and I did every thing possible to help her, but though I don’t blame myself, I felt and still feel very inadequate.
The part you wrote…”it came out of nowhere and raped her…and all I could do was watch and beg the universe to make it stop because she didn’t do anything to deserve the hand she was dealt. It killed me. It really did.” ….that is me…no one has begged the universe more.
Thank you Andy, for talking about the collateral damage, and the utter devastation that cancer leaves behind.
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Nancy, I’m sorry for you and I’m glad I could sort of “let your words out” for you. Collateral damage…that’s a good way to look at it. Isn’t this an amazing thing? In a strange way it’s “nice” to know that we’re not alone. What a thing, though. We’ll get through…I know it.
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Andy – simply thank you for writing that great piece
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So here’s just a general comment to say THANK YOU to everyone that read this…and commented. (I think I want to move to Ireland.) It’s funny how I used to talk about the internet as “evil.” I really did. Yet here I am years later feeling all warm and nice because people like you would say such nice things.
I’m really not that nice of a guy…I swear and drink beer and do all that other man stuff. I guess I just want you to know that despite those things…this made today better than it might have been otherwise. Again…thanks so much! (Especially you, Marie. You are very, very cool.)
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Andy is a very loving man and I am sure his wife appreciated all he suffered along with her. I am a single Mom survivor and had no one but my children rooting for me and his words were very moving. God Bless Andy.
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Wow what a real post from your heart on your journey with cancer ! Andy you gave such a wonderful testamony to your wife, her life, her battle with cancer with such grace and power! I am so sorry for your loss.
Andy I appreciate your choice of words in describing your thoughts! Thank you for reminding me that it is not all about me and how hard it is for those who partner with us as we go through this battle. My husband doesn’t say it, but I bet thinks it.
Thanks Marie for posting this…amazing! Luann
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I’ve been a breast cancer patient (age 52); and I’ve been the family member of a cancer patient (when in high school & my mom had cancer). I found being the patient to be MUCH easier than watching my mom suffer! I kept wanting to do something to heal her or have some solution but could only watch her suffer. I find no offense at all, Andy, in your comments or perspective! And i grieve for the loss of your life mate and for the “sister” I’ll never get to meet!
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Hi Debbi, thanks for taking the time to comment. I absolutely agree with you, as I said earlier in response to Paula – I found it so hard to watch the worry and the pain in my own mother’s eyes as she cared for me throughout my cancer treatment. She lost more weight than me and ended up in a terrible state. I had to try to reassure her all the time and it was tough. Thanks again Debbi and I hope you are doing really well now in your recovery.
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Wow – what a response – I guess I’ve nothing new to add to all the comments here – I too was moved beyond words by the simple eloquence of this post and want to wish Andy and his family all the best for the future
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I agree with Luann – thanks Andy for being the voice for the partners of those with cancer – that is a lonely journey to be on.
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Nothing new to add either, except to wish Andy and his family lots of happiness in their future.
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Very inspiring guy!
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so moved by Andy’s story..wishing him all the best in the future
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