Reflections on my 5 year cancerversary
So for those who are thinking by now.. enough with the cancerversary – we’ve heard it all ..this is the last word on the subject I promise. So please indulge me for just one more time.
It is today I class as officially my cancerversary. For today five years ago, the tumour was cut out of my body and my healing began. It’s a strange thing with cancer – you may be totally unaware that the tumour is growing inside you, as I was, and you carry on with your life, sometimes feeling perfectly ok. It can be the case that the cure is worse than the disease. I went into that hospital physically feeling ok in the morning, but by the end of the day, I had undergone major surgery, with all the attendant pain and discomfort that brings. I still had to face my chemo battle and many dark nights of the soul on my journey, but my journey would also take my life in new directions and down paths I never would have walked ordinarily.
Some friends have asked me if I am celebrating this milestone today and the answer is I am celebrating by doing the ordinary things – a walk, a coffee later with a friend, cooking dinner for my husband…for it was the ordinary things I longed to be able to do again when I was ill. It took cancer to teach me the beauty of such ordinary things.
I will also be quietly remembering those friends who haven’t made it. I am thinking particularly of my friend Jenny who passed away recently. Today I am acutely aware of that sense of survivor guilt which I have written of before. In a funny way, the “why me” questions I sometimes asked myself when first diagnosed with cancer, are now reversed. That “why me – why did I get cancer when others don’t” has been turned around to “why me – why do I get to survive when others don”t”. I ask myself the question if I have survived, what is the deeper meaning of my life after this experience? What helps me find meaning in all of this is a deep desire to give something back, to help others with a diagnosis of cancer. Life is a precious gift and today on my cancerversary, I recommit myself to it and to helping others on their cancer journey. My time to go will come around again, but for now, it is my time to live, so armed with the lessons I have learned from my cancer experience, I look to the future and pledge to make the best life I can for myself and those I care about and in the process to hopefully touch the lives of others with some of the compassion and love I have learned along the way.
My beloved twister, Marie,
Please don’t ever feel guilty on surviving your battle with cancer. As I told someone very dear to me, too, on his grieving the loss of friends on 09/11: May your life get to be a reflection of what theirs, what Jenny’s, should have been.
There’s no better way to honour someone’s passing than fulfilling a life with the Love and Happiness they would have dreamed of achieving themselves
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Dear Twister, I am more than happy to indulge you with talk of your canserversary!! I think you can write about it as much as you want, it is a great thing to contemplate and celebrate! And I know when I get to 5 years you will be there to listen to me:) Congrats! And as our friends Chari wrote so beautifully, let your celebration be a celebration for your friend’s battle and life! I’m guessing she would want you to be happy and to celebrate along with you in spirit!
Throw those curtains wide today!
Debbie
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Happy Cancerversary to you today lovely Marie and if you are really wondering why you survived well I’ll tell you why! To be the blessing in the lives of others that I know you be xxxx
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What a beautifully written post – so eloquent and so life affirming..
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Marie, my life has already changed from the gift of getting to you know you and the “twisterhood.” Survivor guilt is deep and painful; I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Hopefully we can surround you with some of the love that she provided; you in turn, can tell us more about her, since she is part of the story that brought you to us today.
XXXX
j
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you shouldn’t feel survivor guilt – just celebrate that you are here and you haven’t fulfilled your mission yet – that’s my advice for what it’s worth 🙂
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Happy Cancerversary!
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Dear twister,
First of al congratulations on your cancerversary. You can never ever talk too much about it and you do it in such beautiful way. You help others with it, making what was a horrible experince into something positive for others and that is your gift to your friend jenny who was less fortunate. She will always be with us as along as we remember her and that will be for a very long time (eventhough I never got the pleasure of meeting her).
No need for survivors guilt; your celebration of life an d helping other peole is the best way to get back at this disease that took so many loved ones from us but left us YOU!
Very happt cancerversary, many more returns. My life is better now you’re in it. Big hug, Annemieke
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Congratulations! Don’t ever stop celebrating and too bad if others say “enough already”. Shame on them! My 1 year since breast cancer diagnosis will be this Thursday, October 1 at age 44. My mastectomy was October 28 last year. I am healthy, strong, determined to beat this and won’t stop making people aware of breast cancer until we find the cause and thus the “cure”. So raise your head high and keep inspiring those like me who are still in the fight….we need to hear about survivors like you!
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Why just look at the difference you have made in the lives of your friends – your work here isn’t done yet – happy happy cancerversary – we all love you and look forward to sharing many happy years to come with you xxx
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well done on attaining the five year mark – i know from personal experience that can be hard won – you mentioned dark nights of the soul and I am sure there were many of those – but hey look at you now – seems like you are a very loving and compassionate woman with a commitment to helping others – that is why you are still here – there is obviously more work to be done!
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happy cancerversary – i am only starting out on my journey but reading your blog gives me hope that will be some day too
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Remember Krissy there is lots of support online for you as you journey through cancer and beyond – all you have to do is ask 🙂
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Just want to add my voice to all the rest in wishing you many years of health and happiness to come x
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eh..what’s with all this twister business??? Am curious to know 🙂
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Hi Karen and Casey – Twister is quite simple Twitter Sister – and it is a group of twitterers who have grown close over the past few months on Twitter – we try to support and be there for each other – I feel very honored to be a part of this group of Twisters 🙂
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yes what’s with the twister thing??
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much love to you on your cancerversary – it’s been a tough uphill climb I know sometimes but you are strong and you made it!
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Dearest Twister,
Please don’t make this the last word on the subject. I think what Chari said captured it eloquently, so I won’t try to restate it.
Happy Canniversary to a wonderful person who RICHLY deserves to celebrate each and every day!
Much Love,
Ever your Twister,
Kate
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The ordinary things, I just love that. I’m so glad you get to do the ordinary things today. Congratulations.
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My cancerversary is a sad one. I lost my Mum to breast cancer five years ago. I’ve gotten used to missing her now (I think). But the odd part is that the anniversary of her death passes without much trauma for me, but when Christmas rolls around, that’s the time that’s hard for me, without her. She loved Christmas and always went all out, cooking, baking, decorating. For me, Christmas will always be my Mum’s cancerversay. I’m just really, really glad that not all diagnoses end that way.
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First of all congratulations on reaching that all important major milestone of 5 years clear 🙂
Like you I found that the cure was worse than the disease itself, having reached my 5 year clear also this year.
Like you I celebrated by doing the normal things many take for granted like going to work and running errands, something that for the best part of a year I was unable to do due to the effects of the treatments!
I also, used the time to reflect on those many friends who weren’t as blessed as me to have survived the breast cancer.
This years been a tough one for me with regards to how perfectly you put it “survivors guilt” I lost 2 friends to cancer this year and it’s made me question many things in my life, like what is my purpose why was I given another chance at life and their’s was taken away from them? I know my faith teachers us not to question or as “Why me?” but it’s something I have been unable to stop myself asking!
So, my solution is that I will dedicate as much of my time in helping support others through this and also giving back to the local volunteer charity Breast Friends who were a godsend to me – their 24/7 support was invaluable to not just myself but my family too…who even though they didn’t have the treatments had to go through it all with me on an emotional level, which is something that is almost as hard as what the cancer patient goes through as they feel so helpless and lost as to what to do to help you!
I now live my life to the fullest,and try not to think too much about the what ifs…
Thanks for sharing your experience & I hope that your good health continues as I pray for all the same!
xx Georgia
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you truly are an inspiration! Keep up the good work 🙂
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Marie, You are a true sister of Faith my friend, and a real Survivor. I’m so proud of your grate works through your own pain and suffering and your wonderful ability to share with others to help their healing. I am very sorry to hear about your friend Jen. As our faith teaches, life is changed, and our Sister Jen is now with our creator. She has been born into eternal life, and we will miss her here, but know we will see her again. The song “I can only imagine” comes to mind and brings tears to my eyes. Tears of sadness because we miss our sister Jen, I feel your pain Marie for the loss of your friend, and tears of Joy because she is in paradise. I Love you sista. Cathy
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